There once was a young girl named Muffin

There once was a young girl named Muffin

Who got up and just kicked the stuffin’

          From her boyfriend Seth

          And the girl he slept with

When she caught him getting a fluffin’.

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather,

To sip on some joe and to blather.

          They watch girls in shorts

          While arguing sports

And work themselves into a lather.

There once was a woman named Rudy

There once was a woman named Rudy

Who was prepared for her wifely duty.

          With plunger in hand,

          She unplugged the can

While preparing a meal plan more fruity.

There once was a woman named Ashleigh

There once was a woman named Ashleigh

Who colored her long blonde hair brashleigh.

          With wide streaks of blue

          And florescent pink too,

Her decision was made much too rashleigh.

There once was a woman named Marion

There once was a woman named Marion

Who worked at the school as a librarian.

          She’s read every text

          Where people got sexed

But had no adventures ovarian.

There once was a young girl named Dream

There once was a young girl named Dream

Who was known as a “Good Girl Extreme”.

          She remained a virgin

          Despite constant urgin’

Until she met Mr. Jim Beam.

There was a woman named Elaine

There was a woman named Elaine

Who liked to walk nude in the rain.

          “It’s like taking a bath

          On a cool garden path,

Without leaving a bathtub ring stain.”

There once was a fellow named Stephen

There once was a fellow named Stephen

Who rummaged through the laundry thiephen

          The soiled underpants

          Of his sisters and aunts,

Which they all had trouble beliephen.

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie

Got let go while she was a rookie.

          She thought it depraved

          To have herself shaved;

And no patrons would screw with a Wookie.

There once was a Chicago man

There once was a Chicago man
Who was widely known as “One Night Stan”.   
         He made love so poorly

          And finished so early,

That women who saw him just ran.

There once was a waitress named Sheila

There once was a waitress named Sheila

Who let all the customers feel a

          Boob or her ass,

          Pointing at the tip glass,

Hoping to land a big “wheela-deela”.

There once was a fellow named Gil

There once was a fellow named Gil

Who lived in a house on a hill,

          Waiting for his neighbors

          To finish their labors

And purchase the proceeds of his still. 

There once was a fellow named Logan

There once was a fellow named Logan;

“12-inch manhood” was his slogan.

          Since his dick was a foot

          Each morning he put

In a size 13 EEE brogan.

There once was a fellow named Grant

There once was a fellow named Grant

Whose penis stuck out at a slant.

          A girl’d lay perdendicular

          To get his dick into her,

Which is something that few women want

There once was a fellow named Dylan

There once was a fellow named Dylan

Who dressed as a comic book villain,

          With a black mask and cape

          Made of satin and crepe,

With a “ray gun” for simulated killin’.