There once was a gal named Marie

There once was a gal named Marie

Whose number of husbands was three.

         She said, “Each expects

         To get daily sex;

Just not all at once, mercy me!”

There once was a woman named Nina,

There once was a woman named Nina,

A virtuoso on the concertina,

         Who said, “With it ‘tween my knees,

         I give it a squeeze,

And  harmonize though my vageena.”

There once was a woman named Robyn

There once was a woman named Robyn

Whose fun box was constantly throbbin’.

         She said, “My girlie nubbin

         Could sure use some rubbin’

And a nice long wet tongue for some daubin’.”

There once was a fellow named Plover

There once was a fellow named Plover

A stand-up comic down in Dover

         At the end of his act

         Was always the same crack,

“Make sure you tip your waitress over.”

There once was a woman named Brooke

There once was a woman named Brooke

Who did everything my the book.

            You never could score

            Until date number four,

And she’ll never, ever swallow that gook.

The naked cab driver, Louise

The naked cab driver, Louise,

Said, “This job is sure not a breeze!

          That inter-seat glass

          Keeps their hands off my ass.

But, I’ve no place to carry my keys.”

There once was a fellow named Quaid

There once was a fellow named Quaid    

Who tried every night to get laid.

         He tried margaritas

         To lure his Lolitas

To his alcohol infused brigade.

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary

Who owned her own apothecary.

         She’s got pills to curb hunger,

         Or to make you feel younger.

And a rub to make it like a cherry.

There was a Sister Abigail

There was a Sister Abigail

Who prayed with the young men in jail.

         She felt the proudest

         Of the men who prayed loudest,

So she gave them a peek at her tail.

There once was a fellow named Stu

There once was a fellow named Stu
Who said, “I just stepped in some snoo.”
“What’s snoo?” asked his wife
(The regret of her life)
He replied, “Not much. What’s new with you?”

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton
With their wheezin’ and caughin’ and snortin’
With their comments absurd.
I thin every last word
Shows their cranial circuts are shortin’.

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme
By channeling the Rev. Al Green.
The the cats ar Fox News
Started singing the blues
Because there’s no soul in their mein.

Once said by a woman named Amy.

Once said by a woman named Amy.
“My bf thinks my pussy smells gamey.
If I do not douche
And get rid of the sluice,
He’ll have a veterinarian spay me.”

There was a woman named Suzanne

There was a woman named Suzanne
Who, sadly, looked just like a man.
With a beard and a weiner,
A gruff misdemeanor,
And tits just like eggs in a pan.

There once was a girl in Gomorrah

There once was a girl in Gomorrah
Was quite a sexual explorrah.
But when someone tried to Sodom
Her delicate bodom,
She rose up and declaired, “No morrah.”