Monday, January 26, 2015

There once was a canner named Cannon

There once was a canner named Cannon
Who spent every September cannin’
            He put up more preserves
            Than an army deserves
According to the “Yes I Can” canon.

Monday, January 5, 2015

There once was a fellow named Plummer

There once was a fellow named Plummer
Who desperately wanted a Hummer.
            Not a big SUV,
            But a BJ U C,
'Cause he had not had one since Summer. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

There once was a fellow named Lowe

There once was a fellow named Lowe
Who moved unbelievably slow
            He said, “Why should I worry
            Or be in a hurry,
When I rarely have somewhere to go?”

Monday, December 29, 2014

Before starring in a stage production,

Before starring in a stage production,
Rose felt she needed liposuction.
            But the nurse nodded off,
            And did not shut it off
Until a 98% reduction.
 

Friday, December 26, 2014

There once was a fellow named Wayne

There once was a fellow named Wayne
Who traveled in his personal plane;
            A Mile-High Club member
            With his ex-wife Kimber
And her sisters, Judy and Jane.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
              “I’m tired of snow
              And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.
And explained to them about his wishes.
              The head elf, named Steve
              Just said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9
Were elves in a wild conga line,
              ‘Cause Steve had replaced
              Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the red suit was so not couturesy,
The elf wardrobe master named Percy,
              Gave him shorts and flip-flops
              Assorted tank tops
And a red Atlanta Falcons jersey.

Pre-move, Santa had not had a notia
That he’d soon be dealing with OSHA.
              And with immigration.
              He beat the citation
With a threat to move to Nova Scotia.

He swapped out his egg nog for Yoo-Hoo.
That chocolate drink made him goo-goo.
              But he didn’t care
              He just sat in his chair
Engrossed in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found
Their diet has made them quite round,
              Instead of mistletoe
              They pigged out on kudzu
And were too fat to get off the ground.

He learned that production might stall
Since, his wife had not sorted at all
              The letters from boys
              And girls about toys.
She spends every day at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,
We won’t have enough for each tree.
              But I’ve dealt with a friend
              Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid a  new Wii.”

After spending the night on eBay,
They recalled – no reindeer, no sleigh!
              But with some elf luck
              A bright red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped in by Chevrolet.

Then finally, Santa ventured forth
In his elf-dusted  flying transporth.
              Then they heard his voice call,
              “Merry Christmas, y’all!
Tomorrow, we’re moving back North.”

All of us at the International Center for Limerick Studies wish you a Peaceful Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. 


 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,
“It was simply awful, I confess.
            I knew it’d be scary
            Because I was so hairy.
But I left weighing 7 pounds less.”

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

There once was a fellow named Taylor

There once was a fellow named Taylor
Who wished that he could be a sailor.
            It didn’t seem fair
            That the old mal-de-mer
Should make him a nautical failure.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

There once was a fellow named Hyrum

There once was a fellow named Hyrum
Who lived in an insane asylum.
            He was stuck there because
            He thought that he was
A member of the sunflower phylum.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

There once was a fellow named Spelling

There once was a fellow named Spelling
Who made his first commission selling.
            He said,” When I get paid,
            I going to get laid.
Assuming I find someone willing.”

Sunday, December 14, 2014

There once was a rock group called Yes

There once was a rock group called Yes
Who took to the stage to confess,
            “The meaning of our lyrics
            May give mental hysterics
But, even we don’t have a guess.”

Thursday, December 11, 2014

There once was a nan from Jamaica

There once was a nan from Jamaica
A ganga-smoking record breaka.
            In the course of one week
            This dread-lock├ęd freak
Smoked the production of a whole acca.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Once said by a fellow named Will.

Once said by a fellow named Will.
“If I want to bungee, I will.”
            Until one fateful leap
            In a place not so deep
Made his family cash in his will.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

There once was a woman named Ida

There once was a woman named Ida
Who loved having a man insida.
            But, just for a while
            ‘Til she said with a smile,
“Sorry pal, but I must override ya.”

Saturday, November 22, 2014

There once was a fellow named Dingess;

There once was a fellow named Dingess;
A proponent of cunnilingus.
            He’s an expert, they say,
            Of the technique de francais,
So there’s simply no need for his thingus.