Saturday, August 31, 2013

There once was a woman named Steagles

There once was a woman named Steagles
Who every day did 65 kegels*
          And while focused down there
          She styled her pubic hair
In the manner of “A Flock of Seagulls**.

*Exercises designed to tighten the vaginal muscles.  Google it.
**A 80s British rock band.  Google it.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

There once was a girl named Michelle

There once was a girl named Michelle
Whose abdomen started to swell.
          “I am not with child,”
          She said as she smiled,
“It’s that I live by Taco Bell.”

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

There once was a woman named Freddie

There once was a woman named Freddie
Who always made sure she was ready.
          In her purse she had blush,
Birth control and toothbrush;
With an elegant, wrinkle-proof teddy.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

There once was a gal named Selena;

There once was a gal named Selena;
A not-very-hot-blooded Latina.
          It was early to bed,
          All alone where she read
“Genetic Traits of Semolina”.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

There was a woman named Regina

There was a woman named Regina,
A virtuoso on the concertina
          Her fingering skill
          Came not from a drill,
But from manipulating her vagina.

Friday, August 23, 2013

There once was a fellow named Justin

There once was a fellow named Justin
With spontaneous penile combustion.               
          He received a synthetic
          Cast iron prosthetic
Which he oiled daily to prevent rustin’.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

There once was a woman named Geri

There once was a woman named Geri
Whose body was nearly un-hairy.
          Her baldness was complete
          ‘Cept the soles of her feet,
Which made shopping for shoes very scary.

Monday, August 19, 2013

There once was a young boy named Elton

There once was a young boy named Elton
Who was skinny and tall like a skel’ton.
          To hold up his pants
          While at a school dance,
He had suspenders and a belt on.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

There was a young girl named Rosanna

There was a young girl named Rosanna
Who wore a bright yellow bandana,
          A yellow T-shirt
          And ankle-length skirt,
‘Cause she thought that she was a banana.

Friday, August 16, 2013

There once was a fellow named Bucky

There once was a fellow named Bucky
Who lived a life extremely lucky.
          Since his sexual organ
          Dispensed Captain Morgan
And aged bourbon from Kentucky.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

There once was a fellow named Harris

There once was a fellow named Harris
Who was very hard to embarrass.
          ‘Til he was pantsed at school
          Wearing a thong of tulle
And an ass-tattoo of Alex Karras.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

There once was a woman named Joy

There once was a woman named Joy
Who was given a vibrating toy.
          It came with a note
          Where just one line was wrote,
“Just insert this in Joy to enjoy.”

Monday, August 12, 2013

There once was a young boy named Buffett

There once was a young boy named Buffett
Who once told his Mother to “Stuff it!”
         She didn’t get mad,
         Just incredibly sad
As she left him in the woods to rough it. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

There once was a man from Daytona

There once was a man from Daytona
Who was offered an ice cold Corona.
         He said, “Now, see here.”
         I only drink beer.
This is why I left Arizona.”

Saturday, August 10, 2013

There once was a fellow named Donovan

There once was a fellow named Donovan
Who wore one black shoe and one cordovan.
         He said, “Go and stare.
         I have a matching pair
Back home in my room in Afghanistan.

Friday, August 9, 2013

There once was a fellow named Marvin

There once was a fellow named Marvin
Who sat in his back yard a-carvin’ 
         A huge pile of sticks
         Into tiny toothpicks
To make worm hors d’oeuvres.  He was starvin’.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray,
“The man who just won’t go away.”
         His stories are boring
         Each one on adoring
From afar the virginal Doris Day.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A young baseball player named Doug

A young  baseball player named Doug
Took a performance-inhibiting drug.
         He passed out in right field
         And some snooping revealed
Tequila in his Gatorade jug.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

There once was a young girl named Frieda

There once was a young girl named Frieda
Who was her school’s only cheerlieda.’   
         The team was so bad
         And the fans were so mad,
That the poor girl became a cheer-plieda.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

There once was a fellow named Mac

There once was a fellow named Mac.
Of comedy he quite a knack.
          He wrote dirty jokes
          About the nicest of folks,
‘Cause the mean ones get mad and attack.

Friday, August 2, 2013

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond,
Of whom the female spies were all fond, quite fond.
          For country and Queen
          He’d end up between
A brunette, a redhead and blonde, ash blonde.