There once was a fellow named Matt

There once was a fellow named Matt,
A swinging and happening cat.
He don’t need no Mercedes,
To get with the ladies.
This is one dude who knows where it’s at.

Happy Birhday, Matt!

There once was a woman named Peggy

There once was a woman named Peggy
Who was known to be extraordinarily leggy.
With flaming red hair
And sass out to there,
She made Nicole Kidman look dreggy.

Happy Birthday, Peggy

There once was a fellow named Stan

There once was a fellow named Stan
Who takes all his problems in hand.
He brings home some porn
And watches ‘til morn.
You might call him a self-laid man.

There once was a woman named Sarah

There once was a woman named Sarah
Who lived under constant hystera.
Her manner was manic.
Her most common phrase? “Panic!
I need to buy new underweara.”

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

A tanning salon clerk in Washington

A tanning salon clerk in Washington
Said, “I tan with just a g-string on.
So, where my red skin ends
Is where your fun begins.
Yeah, you could think of me as a sure thing, Son.”

A small-breasted woman named Joan

A small-breasted woman named Joan
Found she couldn’t afford silicone.
So instead of that crap
She used bubble wrap.
Now her boyfriend won’t leave them alone.

When she found she was pregnant, young Sue

When she found she was pregnant, young Sue
Really didn’t know just what to do.
She went to her dad
Who got really mad
And said, “You know, you can get knocked down, too.”

There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
“I’m tired of snow
And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.
And explained to them about his wishes.
The head elf, named Steve
Said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife just smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9
Were elves in a wild conga line,
‘Cause Steve had replaced
Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the hot red suit was so not couturesy,
The elf wardrobe master, Percy,
Gave Santa shorts and flip-flops
Assorted tank tops
And a replica Matt Ryan* jersey.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found
That their diet has made them quite round,
Instead of mistletoe
They pigged out on kudzu
And are too fat to get off the ground.

Santa learned that production had stalled
Since, Mrs. Claus had not sorted at all
The letters from boys
And girls about toys,
‘Cause she was spending her days at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,
We won’t have enough under each tree.
But I’ve dealt with a friend
Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid in the world a new Wii.”

After an overnight session on eBay,
They remembered – no reindeer, no sleigh.
But with some elf luck
Steve found a red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped by Chevrolet.

Then at last, Santa Claus ventured forth
In his elf-dusted flying transport.
Then we heard his voice call,
“Merry Christmas, y’all!
Next year, we’re moving back North.”

*Hunky quarterback for the Atlanta Falcoms

Merry Christmas from the Center

Helena, the Dutchess of Yorkshire

Helena, the Dutchess of Yorkshire
Has rules about sex most severe.
She’ll only screw face-to-face
With her husband, Race,
But, the servants enter in the rear.

There once was a woman named Liz

There once was a woman named Liz
A real entrepreneurial whiz
Even when she was small
She made quite a haul
Charging boy classmates to watch her go piz.

There once was a fellow named Gary

There once was a fellow named Gary
Who does not look at all like Drew Carey.
But in the right light,
You know, he just might;
Which we all think is a little bit scary.

Happy Birthday, Gary!

A jai-alai star in Minnesota

A jai-alai star in Minnesota
Had moved up North from Sarasota.
“I relish the cold
Like a Viking of old
But I wish I had brought my pelota.”

One more week. Go NFL.

This pretty young wife down in Dallas

This pretty young wife down in Dallas
Feels trapped in her man’s “Cowboy palace”.
For, she misses her home,
And her kin up in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

There once was a gal named Mercedes

There once was a gal named Mercedes,
One of those high society ladies,
She appears to be prudish,
While in fact, she is lewdish.
She moons truck drivers out on I-80.

My sexual urge I've forsaked

“My sexual urge I’ve forsaked,”
Said Sue, but we know she’s half-baked.
When she walks down the street
She looks wholesome and sweet
But under her clothes she is naked.

There was a woman up in Southhampton

There was a woman up in Southhampton
Who, on “special” days, could not use a tampon.
She said that her flow
Was so strong, don’t you know,
That she just sat at home with a clamp on.

There once was a band at the Fillmore

There once was a band at the Fillmore
Who stashed some groupies by the back door.
They each got a blow
During the drum solo
And screwed doggy style during the encore.

At the diner, I'm always called "Hon",

At the diner, I’m always called “Hon”.
It makes me feel warm like the sun.
But when I asked why,
They said I’m a bad guy.
It’s short for Attilla the Hun.

There was a young man from Miami

There was a young man from Miami
Who fashioned a boat from a chami.
It sank right away
But our boy was okay.
In the dolphin tank at the Aquariuami.

It's beginning to look a lot like football.

We once knew a gal named Delores

We once knew a gal named Delores
Who never thought ‘bout her clitoris,
Until we got a load
Of that Seinfeld episode,
Now she tries her best to ignore us.

A catastrophe occurred at the buffet

A catastrophe occurred at the buffet
To our regular patron Renee.
Somewhere between
The gravy and beans
She exploded when her stretch pants gave way

In astronomy class, Dr. Amos

In astronomy class, Dr. Amos
Asked, “Do you thing there is life on Uranus?”
Said a lass in the front row,
“Yes, I surely do think so.
Something’s itching and burning most heinous

When Eddie spent the weekend with Dar

When Eddie spent the weekend with Dar,
A girl he just met at a bar,
His drinking buddies asked,
“Did you get any ass?”
He said, “I don’t think I got in that far.”

There once was a fellow named Richtor

There was a young fellow named Richtor
Whose girlfriend just shook when he dicked her.
He found that a screw
Measured 7.2
But, she increased to 9 when he licked her

This elderly man in Carolina

This elderly man in Carolina
Makes prank phone calls from his reclina.
He’s a raver, a ranter,
A breather, and a panter.
(And you thought the last word was vagina.)

Go NFL. Beat WWE.

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis

Sweet Lulu LaRue of St. Louis
Was in love with old Doolittle Dewey.
Like a ram with a ewe,
Was old Doo with young Lu.
So, do Doo Dewey do LuLu? Well, do he?

Cinderella, while at the Royal Dance

Cinderella, while at the Royal Dance,
Gave a blowjob to the Charming Prince.
With his manhood unfurled,
He searched for the girl
Who matched the teeth and the lip prints.

The girls all desire the charms

The girls all desire the charms
Of the man with three hands and three arms.
He’s got one for each breast;
One east and one west
And a third working down on the farm.

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland

A well-meaning fellow in Oakland
Met a girl who said, “I am broke, friend.”
She asked him to raid a
7-11 ’frigerata,
And let him get arrested, heartbroken.

Tune in. "Somebody has to win"

Got NFL Network?

Suzanne takes you down to the river

Suzanne takes you down to the river
To a place fairly close to her liver.
As the boats go by
She will give you a try
Like FedEx, she can really deliver.

Robert Johnson, the ultimate blues man

Robert Johnson, the ultimate blues man
Played guitar like nobody else can.
For the gift, I am told
He sold his own soul,
So, I’m going to hell just to jam.

In the locker room down at the lodge

In the locker room down at the lodge
We were shocked at the stockings on Hodge.
“What’s up with those?
Why are you wearing hose?”
“’Cause my wife found them out in my Dodge.”

There is a young woman named Karen

There is a young woman named Karen
At whom the boys are constantly starin'.
Is it her beauty,
Her above average booty?
Whatever it is, they're not sharin".

Happy birthday, Karen

A working girl in Tampa Bay

A working girl in Tampa Bay
Charges $100 per lay
If that price makes you balk
And you just want to talk,
Just one buck an ear’s what you pay.

Got football?

There is a young woman in Boulder

There is a young woman in Boulder
Whose box is no big, you unfold ‘er
To satisfy Carmen
You must put your arm in.
Yep. All the way up to your shoulder.

At the park, there's a young girl named Penny

At the park, there’s a young girl named Penny
On the swing set with her best friend, Jenny.
Said Jen, “Those boys there
Can see your underwear.”
Said Pen, “Ho, Ho. I’m not wearing any.”

Said a mom to her girl in Philadelphia

Said a mom to her girl in Philadelphia
“Don’t put your love on a shelf, Mia..
“Soar like an eagle,
Be proud and regal.
Not a whore like your sister, Cordellia.

A holiday tradition like no other.

Football!

There once was a gal named Alana

There once was a gal named Alana
Who was not known to be a complainer.
Except about work,
Tattoo-hating jerks,
And rock-critic-Godsmack-profaners.

Happy Birthday, Alana,

Rock chick number one!

There once was a young girl named Rose

There once was a young girl named Rose
Who claimed to have no sexual throes.
As she walked down the street
She seemed proper and sweet
But she was naked underneath her clothes.

A philospher from outside of Cannes

A philosopher from outside of Cannes
Once pondered the purpose of man
And of women, too.
Are they just here to screw?
I fuck’em, therefore I am.

My brother down there in Jacksonville

My brother down there in Jacksonville
Likes to drive his girlfriend up this one hill
In his bright red Jaguar
Though it’s not a boudoir
She will still go down all the way up hill.

Go football - Week 11

Michigan at Ohio State - 2008

Of all the women down at Ohio State
There are none that I would make a bed mate.
The ones that I know
Don’t take care down below,
And let their panties just disintegrate.

Most of the women at Michigan
Have too many itches in their britches, man.
To get their pants off
Makes me want to cough
And just makes me hungry for fish again.

A matronly gal from Toledo

A matronly gal from Toledo
Unfortunately lost her libido.
She would yawn during sex,
Scratch her stomach and stretch,
And say, “Wake me up when you’re completo.”

Anna Maria Moretti

Anna Maria Moretti
Sliced up her cheating man, Eddie.
When he was dead
She pickled his head
And ground up the rest for spaghetti.

There was a dogwalker named Fay

There was a dogwalker named Fay
Who was having a terrible day.
“It just drives me nuts
To stare at dog’s butts
And pick up their droppings all day.”

There's a story of my good friend Liz

There’s a story of my good friend Liz
Who don’t know where anything is.
She puts in her mouth
Things that belong in the south
Ignoring the place where she piz.

My old friend Bill loves Buffalo

My old friend Bill loves Buffalo
Where it often gets 20 below.
He keeps his hands warm enough
In his wife’s fur-lined muff.
Though, her ass does get cold, don’t you know?

A libidinous woman from Houston

A libidinous woman from Houston
Said, “I’m gonna tell you the truth, son.
You can’t beat the sexin’
You get from a Texan,
Even though they all leave them ol’ boots on.”

Football: Proof that God loves us.

Professional porn actress Daisy

Professional porn actress Daisy
Gave this speech at Career Day, “See,
I give him a suck.
He gives me a fuck.
Then he pulls his cock out and he sprays me.”

On the seashore, a sweet Georgia peach

On the seashore, a sweet Georgia peach
Was arrested for public indec. . .
“I was dressed up just fine
Until I saw your sign
That said, ‘No thongs on the beach.’”

Star Trek was my favorite show

Star Trek was my favorite show.
I would watch it wherever I’d go.
Then I heard George Takei
Was actually gay,
I’m sorry, it’s just too low a blow.

As she walked on the nude beach, our Marge

As she walked on the nude beach, our Marge
Met a man who thought he was in charge.
She said, “Hold it, Mister.
First I must get a picture,
So that I can have it enlarged.”

A charming young bachelor from Dallas

A charming young bachelor from Dallas
Was confronted by gun-toting Alice.
“I’ve checked out my trap
And you’ve gave me the clap,
So from now on you’re going to be ball-less.”

A guy I know in Arizona

A guy I know in Arizona
Will mever have sex with a moana.
You can scream, you can shout,
You can throw things about,
But, don't break the cardinal rule. No balogna!

The crazy little women of Kansas City

The crazy little women of Kansas City
Are chief among gals who are pretty.
I’m gonna go there
And get me one quite fair.
If I don’t, it’ll be such a pity.

There once was a girl named Marie

There once was a girl named Marie
Who shampooed her hair with her pee.
"I want curly hair
Like the ones that grow there,
But, the smell makes cats follow me."

There was a young fellow named Bart

There was a young fellow named Bart
Who mastered the bombastic fart.
It's said that one blast
Knocks a man on his ass.
Says Bart, "It's a finely honed art."

Annabeth Margaret Fieson

Annabeth Margaret Fieson
Looked forward to Baseball season.
“I love all the players,
All but one are good layers.
He’s called the shortstop for a reason.”

Consider contortionist Wendy

Consider contortionist Wendy
Who was considerably agile and bendy
Her favorite bit
Is to lick her own clit
And stick a toe in her rear endy.

Consider the poor narcoleptic

Consider the poor narcoleptic
Whose condition is quite contraceptic.
In the middle of screwin'
The poor guy would swoon
Which left his young wife apoplectic.

A fellow who grew up in Pittsfurgh

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Grand Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

An East Coaster who moved to Seattle

An East Coaster who moved to Seattle
Said, “My diet is a constant battle.
“Every day is see hawkers
Of hot dogs and tac-ers
I’m afraid that I’ll soon start to waddle.”

NFL week nine

There once was a woman named Kat

There once was a woman named Kat
Who wore a most interesting hat
She wove it from hair
That she clipped from down there.
Now what the hell do you think of that?

There once was a fellow named Dracula

There once was a fellow named Dracula –
A vampire, in the vernacula,
Who said, “To live only at night,
I suppose is all right,
But immortality is quite unspectacula.”

Happy Halloween!

Consider the modern camcorder

Consider the modern camcorder.
What was our sex life like before her?
Just Polaroid shots
Of a boob or a crotch,
Now our porno is made to our order.

Since her husband died in 2004

Since her husband died in 2004
Louise can’t go to bingo anymore
She said, “I do fine
‘Til they call ‘O-69’
Then I twitch and fall down on the floor.”

At the nude beach, he showed lots of class

At the nude beach, he showed lots of class
While surrounded by shapely young ass.
While drinking his beer,
He studied each rear,
But all that he raised was his glass.

This bachelor down in Tennessee

This bachelor down in Tennessee
Plies his women with Lynchburg whisky.
He says, “Two shots gets them tight, and
“Two more and they might’en
“Get a little more looser and frisky.”

This woman living in San Francisco

This woman living in San Francisco
Like to keep track of the men that she . . . you know.
Number 14 was great
As was 78
But 49 . . . er . . . he was so-so.

When he saw an old hooker exposin'

When he saw an old hooker exposin'
Her bare ass on the docks, the young bos'un
Said, "Your pussy is bare,
Do you shave it down there?
Or did it all wear away by erosion?"

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Four

My car radio does not rock and juke.
That it’s set where it’s set, is no fluke.
For every morning, you see
I’m with Bob Picozzi
And I ride home each night with the Duke.

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Three

I noticed about Turico and VanPelt,
One sounds husky, while the other sounds svelte.
But I most enjoy a
Word from Miss Tafoya
Whose dulcet tones just make me melt.

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Two

Sports radio host Colin Cowherd
With callers, always has the last word.
His learned opinion
Has complete dominion
Over everything everyone’s ever heard.

Salute to ESPN Radio

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning.
You should listen, but follow this warning.
Golic only is smart
About the athletic art,
And Greeny’s manliness deserves a scorning.

There was a young girl in Atlanta

There was a young girl in Atlanta
Who’ll say anything that she’ll wanta.
It’s falkin’ this and falkin’ that;
Where the falk is my hat.
For sure, she’s getting nothing from Santa.

Although he was never alive

Although he was never alive,
The author of Blaze seemed to thrive.
The fans like his things
That were rougher than King's--
His Bachman's sterner overt jive.

When I finished reading The Dark Tower

When I finished reading The Dark Tower
King's epic left me somewhat sour.
When I got to the end
The tale went 'round the bend...
When I started reading The Dark Tower...

I recommend Stephen King's Cell

I recommend Stephen King's Cell
A tale of the world gone to hell.
Who thought a Blackberry
Could be so damn scary?
Me? I'm going back to Ma Bell.

The Stand -- a gift from my wife

The Stand -- a gift from my wife --
Was King's tome of apocalyptical strife.
I read it with rapture,
Every day 20 chapters.
It was the most wonderful year of my life.

I didn't find Stephen King's Carrie

I didn't find Stephen King's Carrie
To really be all that much scary.
I remember my prom
It was quite a bomb,
Although not quite so pyrotechnary.

An elderly fellow in Cleveland

An elderly fellow in Cleveland
Wears a button-down shirt with some sleeve bands.
When he tied his brown tie
He thought he would die.
His hands throbbed like you would not believe, man.

A forgetful young man in Chicago

A forgetful young man in Chicago
Was on the stage playing Iago.
But he was not aware
That waist down he was bare
Which the audience saw as bravado.

Mongomery and Jennifer Boone

Montgomery and Jennifer Boone
Sent their children to camp every June.
And with the kids gone,
They screw on the lawn
Every night by the light of the moon.

Word got around the sororities quick

Word got around the sororities quick
About the new frat boy with the 13-inch dick.
But each girl got distressed
When they got him undressed
And found it one-quarter inch thick.

At the Senior Prom, Evelyn Beecher

At the Senior Prom, Evelyn Beecher
Got caught screwing under the bleacher.
She was giving her ass
To a boy from Math class.
Unfortunately, she was the teacher.

After delivering 9 children, Mary

After delivering 9 children, Mary
Was told this by her husband, Larry,
"You may not be virginal
"In your canal vaginal,'
"But, I'm betting you ass is a cherry."

This girl I know in New Orleans

This girl I know in New Orleans
Looks pretty good in those jeans.
She says, "S'aint no doubt,
"I look better without
"em." I think you know just what she means.

There is a young girl in New England

There is a young girl in New England
Whomeets guys in the bars with her girlfriend.
But no man gets a claim
With a foreign last name.
For these girls are patriots to the end.

NFL week 5

Sprority Queen Sandy Loring

Sorority Queen Sandy Loring
About frats gave her sisters this warning,
"They'll get you too drunk,
"Throw you up on their bunk,
"And screw you all night until morning.

Dr. Harrison, the plastic surgeon

Dr. Harrison, the plastic surgeon,
For his wife was losing his urgin’
With a surgical shunt
He shored up her cunt
And made her a technical virgin.

Said the rapper, "In spite of my riches,"

Said the rapper, "In spite of my riches,
"I'm still having trouble with bitches.
"At night they look fine
"When I'm loaded on wine
"But every morning, I wake up with witches."

The cirizens of good Baltimore

The citizens of good Baltimore
Have Edgar Allen Poe to adore.
The Rue Morgue. The Raven.
The Tell Tale Heart is my faverin.
Forget that great author? Nevermore

Go Ravens. Beat the Steelers.

A young college girl up in Devner

A young college girl up in Denver
Went out on a weekend-long bender.
She woke naked and drunk
On a mechanical bronc
Oh! She did not know how long she'd been there.

"I'm a big margarita," said Kim

"I'm a big margarita," said Kim
As she poured tequila into her quim.
She squeezed fresh lime juice
All over her coosh,
And even put salt on the rim.

From a hard day of work, our Pa

From a hard day of work, our Pa
Came home very horny for Ma.
But she had the curse
And what's even worse,
She also had hemorrhoids and lockjaw.

Consider the poor narcoleptic

Consider the poor narcoleptic
Whose condition was quite contraceptic.
In the middle of screwin'
The poor guy would swoon,
Leaving his wife apoplectic.

While walking one night by the sea

While walking one night by the sea
Margaret needed to pee.
She squatted there on the beach
Sadly within reach
Of a lobster and her children three.

This hooker down in San Diego

This hooker down in San Diego
Is so hot. You could call her “enfuego”.
Baut the best part, you see
Is she gives it for free.
Not a charger? Why didn’t you say so?

This woman in Indianapolis

This woman in Indianapolis
Likes to ride through the countryside braless.
To watch her on her colt
Is not much of a jolt
Because the poor girl is ta-ta-less.

Week three for you and me.

Consider our poor buddy Bruce

Consider our poor buddy Bruce
Who wanted to have sex with a moose.
While Bruce was insider her
A bull moose tried to ride her
And gave our old friend quite a goose.

There once was a woman named May

There once was a woman named May
Who hitched across the U S A.
To chip in for gas,
She gave up her ass
And got 410 miles per lay.

In spite of his short little dong

In spite of his short little dong
Every woman in town dated Wong.
They get satisfaction
From the remarkable action
Of his nine and three-quarter inch tongue.

A toast to by old buddy Boris

A toast to my old buddy Bpris
Who lost house and car through divoris.
One night when he came,
He shouted out "Jane"
Forgetting his wife's name was Doris.

An enterprising young hooker named Kay

Am enterprising young hooker named Kay
Was preparing for her retirement day.
"I take a buck
"From every fuck
"And put it in a 401-Kl"

This pretty young widow in Dallas

This pretty young widow in Dallas
Feels she trapped in her ex's "Cowboy Palace"
For, she misses her home
And her family in Nome
And the beautiful aurora borealis.

Go Eagles!

I know a young girl in Detroit

I know a young girl in Detroit
Who is much to world wise to exploit.
Don't think after dinner
You'll be lyin' there in her.
At dodging your passes, she's adroit.

Week two - Hooray Football!

Mortitian's assistant Yvonne

Mortitian's assistant Yvonne
Was pondering about the beyond.
"If I give head
"To a man that is dead.
"Will he still come if he's gone."

An entrepreneur in Seattle

An entrepreneur in Seattle
Planned to sell shit in a bottle.
"When I see what this ilk
"Pays for coffee and milk
"I know I'll succeed. Hell, I oughta."

Someone asked Astronaut Grace

Someone asked Astronaut Grace
About enjoying sex in space.
"All you need is a strap
"Or a velcro wrap
"To dock your box unto his face."

After delivering 9 children, Mary

After delivering 9 children, Mary
Was told this by her husband, Barry.
"You may not be virginal
"In your canal vaginal,
"But I'm betting your ass is a cherry.

An enterprising cashier named Rose

An enterprising cashier named Rose
Screwed her boss every day after close.
She said, "His little dick
"Doesn't quite do the trick,
"But his very large bank account does."

There is this woman who lives in Green Bay

There is this woman who lives in Green Bay
Who likes to make love in a keen way.
She likes to pack ‘er
Air mattress with crackers
‘Cause the crunching makes a much more obscene lay.

Welcome back, Monday Night Football

A transvestite living in Cincinnati

A transvestite living in Cincinnati
Said, “I really not trying to be catty,
“I’ve been guy and been gal,
“I guess I’ve seen it all,
“And the guy-part is always so ratty.”

Salute to NFL week 1

There once was a woman named Cheryl

There once was a woman named Cheryl
Who was banned from the group Christmas Carols.
They said, "You are flat."
She said, "Look at that!"
Disrobing to show them both barrels.

Happy Birthday, Cheryl

The girls all are hot for the charms

The girls are all hot for the charms
Of the guy with three hands and three arms.
There's one for each breast;
One east and one west
And another one down on their farms.

This fellow who lives in New York

This fellow who lives in New York
Is thought to be a giant dork.
He hands out headsets
On passenger jets.
And claims that it’s challenging work.

Welcome back, National Football League

On the phone, Jenny complained to Grace

On the phone, Jenny complained to Grace,
"Jimmy sent a bouquet to my place,
"Now he'll come over hopin'
"That my legs are wide open."
Said Grace, "Why don't you just buy a vase?"

That slimy old prick, Sid Cooker

That slimy old prick, Sid Cooker
Turned his sweet daughter into a hooker.
He sent her to class
On how to peddle her ass
And then, to a street corner he took her.
The next morning, the sweet little kid
Gave 301 dollars to Sid.
He said, "Not badly done,
"But who gave you the one?"
Wide eyed, she said, "Daddy, they all did.

Consider the spermatazoa

Consider the spermatazoa
Who has such a long way to goa,
Up through the urethra
Swimming hard just to reach the
Front porch of the tubes of Falopa.

I prefer Letterman over Leno

I prefer letterman over Leno,
Though each one is a funny fellow.
O'Brien is fine
Kimmel I don't mind
But Daly has just got to go.

A right-handed pitcher named Reaver

A right-handed pitcher named Reaver
While in season ignored his wife's beaver.
So she called the bullpen
And talked to the men
And asked them to send in a reliever.

There was an old fellow named Gus

There was an old fellow named Gus
Who never wore pants on the bus.
He said, "I ride home from church
"And pray for a lurch
"That might knock a young girl upon us.

A novice young hooker named Gayle

A novice young hooker named Gayle
Left a promising job in retail.
She gave out two fucks,
But just charged 20 bucks.
She was having a two-for-one sale.

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 3

There'll be a young boy named Rokk Krinn
Who'll be the leader when they begin.
All metals must yield
To his magnetic field,
But plastic he takes on the chin.

LLL

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 2

Then there'll be Imra Ardeen
A beautiful mind-reading teen.
When you see her walk by
Don't even think you can try.
She'll slap you for thinking obscene.

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes

This year DC Comics is celebrating the 50th anniversary of the first appearance of the Legion of Super Heroes. The Legion, whose adventures were set in the 30th century, was a team of super-powered teenagers from across the galaxy who banded together to battle threats to a generally utopian future. While other teams and characters have come and gone, the Legion has persevered through more than a few incarnations. Over the years, membership has probably exceeded 50 characters, but this week, we would like to honor the three founding characters, who have been my close personal friends for almost their entire 50 year life.

There will be a lad named Garth Ranzz
Who shoots lightning bolts out of his hanzz.
It was sad when he died,
But he later was revived,
Not by magic, but by editorial planzz.

The wife of my good friend Rooney

The wife of my good friend Rooney
Ran away to marry a Moonie.
He said, "I don't care
"I've got her underwear."
Which he wears on his head like a loony.

There once was a woman named Linda

There once was a woman named Linda
Who never used Equal or Splenda.
She said that she read
That stuff damages your head,
But sugar only pads your rear enda.

Happy Birthday, Linda

There once was a guy named Mike B.

There once was a guy named Mike B.
Who was tattooed everywhere you could see.
He said, "They're all women
"Wearing just what God give 'em.
"Now, I'll always have girls around me."

Happy Birthday, Mike

There once was a girl from North Umber

There once was a girl from North Umber
Who for sex, preferred a cucumber.
"You don't have to beat it
"When you're done you can eat it,
"And at night it won't disturb your slumber."

A giving young girl named Louise

A giving young girl named Louise
Spent most of her time on her knees.
Short, fat or tall
She'd suck off them all.
All you needed to do was say, "Please".

An elderly lady named Dottie

An elderly lady named Dottie
Spent way too much time on the potty.
When she found she was stuck
She could only say, "Fuck.
"Now I'll die here alone and forgotty."

Here's to the great Michael Phelps

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps.
It must take some mettle
To win eight gold medals,
And that .01 second sure helps.

Congratulations Michael Phelps and the US Swim Team!

There once was a woman named Brandie

There once was a woman named Brandie
Whose husband was not very handy.
So she kept in a drawer
Vibrators galore
In case she was still feeling randy.

Happy birthday, Brandie!

Margaret Elizabeth Jones

Margaret Elizabeth Jones
Loved music right down to her bones.
Motown made her dance
And think of romance,
But she only would screw to the Stones.

Pizza deliverer Tony

Pizza deliverer Tony
Said, "I don't really make that much money.
"But if a girl cannot pay
"I ask for a lay
"Or a gobble on my pepperoni."

In the hills, a horny young Mister

In the hills, a horny young Mister
Spent the afternoon screwing his sister.
His dad came along
And said, "Stop, that is wrong!
"Slow down or you'll give her a blister."

Contortionist Cynthia Jo

Contortionist Cynthia Jo
Had a travelling X-rated show.
Men made long car trips
To watch her lick her lips.
You know, the ones she has down there below.

There once was a young girl named Jamie

There once was a young girl named Jamie
Who said, "I need sombody to lay me
"Down in the grass,
"Keep his hands off my ass,
"Rub my feet with sweet oil and then pay me."

Happy Birthday, Jamie

A dignified gal from St. Ives

A dignified gal from St. Ives
Said she doesn't screw ruffians from dives.
She'll have an affair
In the penthouse upstairs.
And she never comes. She arrives.

Restaurant critic Herbert

Restaurant critic Herbert
Wrote a review that was both mean and curt
The chef said, "Eat shit.
Herb replied, "I just did.
"What do you recommend for dessert?"

Sweet Sue in the maternity ward

Sweet Sue in the maternity ward
Was learning that childbirth was hard.
"If I'd known that a fuck
"Could bring such bad luck,
"I'd have closed up my hole with a board."

The frustrated widow Mae Copp

The frustrated widow Mae Copp
Lost her job at the Olde Candle Shoppe.
Her boss got upset
'Cause the candles were wet
And sticky and gooey on top.

A busy young woman from China

A busy young woman from China
Had never once seen her vagina.
She wasn't real fat.
It's nothing like that
She could never find time to reclina.

Said the world-weary hooker named Jill

Said the world-weary hooker named Jill
When offered a five dollar bill,
"Son, five dollars gits
"A squeeze of my tits
"And a glance at my ass, if you're still."

An attractive young girl from Tacoma

An attractive young girl from Tacoma
Was cursed with an unpleasant aroma.
She'd inserted a gerkin
So far up her merkin
That to remove it might give her a coma.

The Notorious Limerick - A History - Part One

The limerick is simultaneously one of the best loved or most reviled poetic genres in both American and British literature. On one side of the fence, Carolyn Wells writes in her 1925 book, The Book of American Limericks, “A complete book of American limericks would be . . . not at all desirable. Aside from the fact that a large proportion of the known limericks are unfit for publication, a still greater majority are utterly worthless.”

To rebut this opinion, we refer to that most prolific or all writers, Anonymous, who wrote:

The limerick packs laughs astronomical
In a space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The origins of the limerick lie in the early British folk traditions. Both long and short folk tales were often set to rhyme to be sung or recited. The rhyming made memorization easier, for very little of this form of entertainment was ever written down. There were epic tales of battles and adventures to transport listeners far from their common existence, and ribald poems and songs to help their find humor in that same dreary business of staying alive.

Think about what is discussed at today’s fabled “water cooler” in our modern office environment. Tales of vacations, sports victories, adventures on the golf course, and of course, dirty jokes. Our ancestors were no different than us when looking for entertainment.

Of course, much of both British and American folk literature has survived. But the material to be recorded for history was chosen by the educated (those who could read and write) and later by those with the printing presses. And these people were not at all interested in preserving the ribald and bawdy tales of the common folk.

So it came to be that when limericks enjoyed their first burst of popularity, they were presented as nursery rhymes for children.

To be continued.

There once was a fellow named Steve

There once was a fellow named Steve
Whose dick you just would not believe.
He said, “What the heck;”
Wrapped it twice round his neck;
And left the rest hang out his sleeve.

There once was a young girl named Erica

There once was a young girl named Erica
Who had a strong love for America
And Jesus and horses
And Elvis of courses
And Tom Petty and the Heartbreakericas.

A woman asked her husband, Lyle,

A woman asked her husband, Lyle,
"Why don't we screw doggy style?"
So he licked his own balls,
Took a dump in the hall,
And sniffed at her crotch for a while.

There was a male hooker named Vance

There was a male hooker named Vance
Who had quite a beast in his pants.
He said, "I know I can thrill you,
"But I might also kill you.
"So I'll ask you to pay in advance."

This site is under construction

This site is under construction.
It's a very daunting production.
Come back in a while
And we'll make you smile.
It will be our primary function.