Sunday, August 31, 2008

I prefer Letterman over Leno

I prefer letterman over Leno,
Though each one is a funny fellow.
O'Brien is fine
Kimmel I don't mind
But Daly has just got to go.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

A right-handed pitcher named Reaver

A right-handed pitcher named Reaver
While in season ignored his wife's beaver.
So she called the bullpen
And talked to the men
And asked them to send in a reliever.

Friday, August 29, 2008

There was an old fellow named Gus

There was an old fellow named Gus
Who never wore pants on the bus.
He said, "I ride home from church
"And pray for a lurch
"That might knock a young girl upon us.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A novice young hooker named Gayle

A novice young hooker named Gayle
Left a promising job in retail.
She gave out two fucks,
But just charged 20 bucks.
She was having a two-for-one sale.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 3

There'll be a young boy named Rokk Krinn
Who'll be the leader when they begin.
All metals must yield
To his magnetic field,
But plastic he takes on the chin.

LLL

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 2

Then there'll be Imra Ardeen
A beautiful mind-reading teen.
When you see her walk by
Don't even think you can try.
She'll slap you for thinking obscene.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes

This year DC Comics is celebrating the 50th anniversary of the first appearance of the Legion of Super Heroes. The Legion, whose adventures were set in the 30th century, was a team of super-powered teenagers from across the galaxy who banded together to battle threats to a generally utopian future. While other teams and characters have come and gone, the Legion has persevered through more than a few incarnations. Over the years, membership has probably exceeded 50 characters, but this week, we would like to honor the three founding characters, who have been my close personal friends for almost their entire 50 year life.

There will be a lad named Garth Ranzz
Who shoots lightning bolts out of his hanzz.
It was sad when he died,
But he later was revived,
Not by magic, but by editorial planzz.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The wife of my good friend Rooney

The wife of my good friend Rooney
Ran away to marry a Moonie.
He said, "I don't care
"I've got her underwear."
Which he wears on his head like a loony.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

There once was a woman named Linda

There once was a woman named Linda
Who never used Equal or Splenda.
She said that she read
That stuff damages your head,
But sugar only pads your rear enda.

Happy Birthday, Linda

Friday, August 22, 2008

There once was a guy named Mike B.

There once was a guy named Mike B.
Who was tattooed everywhere you could see.
He said, "They're all women
"Wearing just what God give 'em.
"Now, I'll always have girls around me."

Happy Birthday, Mike

Thursday, August 21, 2008

There once was a girl from North Umber

There once was a girl from North Umber
Who for sex, preferred a cucumber.
"You don't have to beat it
"When you're done you can eat it,
"And at night it won't disturb your slumber."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A giving young girl named Louise

A giving young girl named Louise
Spent most of her time on her knees.
Short, fat or tall
She'd suck off them all.
All you needed to do was say, "Please".

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

An elderly lady named Dottie

An elderly lady named Dottie
Spent way too much time on the potty.
When she found she was stuck
She could only say, "Fuck.
"Now I'll die here alone and forgotty."

Monday, August 18, 2008

Here's to the great Michael Phelps

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps.
It must take some mettle
To win eight gold medals,
And that .01 second sure helps.

Congratulations Michael Phelps and the US Swim Team!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

There once was a woman named Brandie

There once was a woman named Brandie
Whose husband was not very handy.
So she kept in a drawer
Vibrators galore
In case she was still feeling randy.

Happy birthday, Brandie!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Margaret Elizabeth Jones

Margaret Elizabeth Jones
Loved music right down to her bones.
Motown made her dance
And think of romance,
But she only would screw to the Stones.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Pizza deliverer Tony

Pizza deliverer Tony
Said, "I don't really make that much money.
"But if a girl cannot pay
"I ask for a lay
"Or a gobble on my pepperoni."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

In the hills, a horny young Mister

In the hills, a horny young Mister
Spent the afternoon screwing his sister.
His dad came along
And said, "Stop, that is wrong!
"Slow down or you'll give her a blister."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Contortionist Cynthia Jo

Contortionist Cynthia Jo
Had a travelling X-rated show.
Men made long car trips
To watch her lick her lips.
You know, the ones she has down there below.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

There once was a young girl named Jamie

There once was a young girl named Jamie
Who said, "I need sombody to lay me
"Down in the grass,
"Keep his hands off my ass,
"Rub my feet with sweet oil and then pay me."

Happy Birthday, Jamie

Monday, August 11, 2008

A dignified gal from St. Ives

A dignified gal from St. Ives
Said she doesn't screw ruffians from dives.
She'll have an affair
In the penthouse upstairs.
And she never comes. She arrives.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Restaurant critic Herbert

Restaurant critic Herbert
Wrote a review that was both mean and curt
The chef said, "Eat shit.
Herb replied, "I just did.
"What do you recommend for dessert?"

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Sweet Sue in the maternity ward

Sweet Sue in the maternity ward
Was learning that childbirth was hard.
"If I'd known that a fuck
"Could bring such bad luck,
"I'd have closed up my hole with a board."

Friday, August 8, 2008

The frustrated widow Mae Copp

The frustrated widow Mae Copp
Lost her job at the Olde Candle Shoppe.
Her boss got upset
'Cause the candles were wet
And sticky and gooey on top.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

A busy young woman from China

A busy young woman from China
Had never once seen her vagina.
She wasn't real fat.
It's nothing like that
She could never find time to reclina.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Said the world-weary hooker named Jill

Said the world-weary hooker named Jill
When offered a five dollar bill,
"Son, five dollars gits
"A squeeze of my tits
"And a glance at my ass, if you're still."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

An attractive young girl from Tacoma

An attractive young girl from Tacoma
Was cursed with an unpleasant aroma.
She'd inserted a gerkin
So far up her merkin
That to remove it might give her a coma.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Notorious Limerick - A History - Part One

The limerick is simultaneously one of the best loved or most reviled poetic genres in both American and British literature. On one side of the fence, Carolyn Wells writes in her 1925 book, The Book of American Limericks, “A complete book of American limericks would be . . . not at all desirable. Aside from the fact that a large proportion of the known limericks are unfit for publication, a still greater majority are utterly worthless.”

To rebut this opinion, we refer to that most prolific or all writers, Anonymous, who wrote:

The limerick packs laughs astronomical
In a space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The origins of the limerick lie in the early British folk traditions. Both long and short folk tales were often set to rhyme to be sung or recited. The rhyming made memorization easier, for very little of this form of entertainment was ever written down. There were epic tales of battles and adventures to transport listeners far from their common existence, and ribald poems and songs to help their find humor in that same dreary business of staying alive.

Think about what is discussed at today’s fabled “water cooler” in our modern office environment. Tales of vacations, sports victories, adventures on the golf course, and of course, dirty jokes. Our ancestors were no different than us when looking for entertainment.

Of course, much of both British and American folk literature has survived. But the material to be recorded for history was chosen by the educated (those who could read and write) and later by those with the printing presses. And these people were not at all interested in preserving the ribald and bawdy tales of the common folk.

So it came to be that when limericks enjoyed their first burst of popularity, they were presented as nursery rhymes for children.

To be continued.

There once was a fellow named Steve

There once was a fellow named Steve
Whose dick you just would not believe.
He said, “What the heck;”
Wrapped it twice round his neck;
And left the rest hang out his sleeve.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

There once was a young girl named Erica

There once was a young girl named Erica
Who had a strong love for America
And Jesus and horses
And Elvis of courses
And Tom Petty and the Heartbreakericas.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

A woman asked her husband, Lyle,

A woman asked her husband, Lyle,
"Why don't we screw doggy style?"
So he licked his own balls,
Took a dump in the hall,
And sniffed at her crotch for a while.

Friday, August 1, 2008

There was a male hooker named Vance

There was a male hooker named Vance
Who had quite a beast in his pants.
He said, "I know I can thrill you,
"But I might also kill you.
"So I'll ask you to pay in advance."