There once was a fellow named Dracula

There once was a fellow named Dracula –
A vampire, in the vernacula,
Who said, “To live only at night,
I suppose is all right,
But immortality is quite unspectacula.”

Happy Halloween!

Consider the modern camcorder

Consider the modern camcorder.
What was our sex life like before her?
Just Polaroid shots
Of a boob or a crotch,
Now our porno is made to our order.

Since her husband died in 2004

Since her husband died in 2004
Louise can’t go to bingo anymore
She said, “I do fine
‘Til they call ‘O-69’
Then I twitch and fall down on the floor.”

At the nude beach, he showed lots of class

At the nude beach, he showed lots of class
While surrounded by shapely young ass.
While drinking his beer,
He studied each rear,
But all that he raised was his glass.

This bachelor down in Tennessee

This bachelor down in Tennessee
Plies his women with Lynchburg whisky.
He says, “Two shots gets them tight, and
“Two more and they might’en
“Get a little more looser and frisky.”

This woman living in San Francisco

This woman living in San Francisco
Like to keep track of the men that she . . . you know.
Number 14 was great
As was 78
But 49 . . . er . . . he was so-so.

When he saw an old hooker exposin'

When he saw an old hooker exposin'
Her bare ass on the docks, the young bos'un
Said, "Your pussy is bare,
Do you shave it down there?
Or did it all wear away by erosion?"

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Four

My car radio does not rock and juke.
That it’s set where it’s set, is no fluke.
For every morning, you see
I’m with Bob Picozzi
And I ride home each night with the Duke.

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Three

I noticed about Turico and VanPelt,
One sounds husky, while the other sounds svelte.
But I most enjoy a
Word from Miss Tafoya
Whose dulcet tones just make me melt.

Salute to ESPN Radio - Part Two

Sports radio host Colin Cowherd
With callers, always has the last word.
His learned opinion
Has complete dominion
Over everything everyone’s ever heard.

Salute to ESPN Radio

I like Mike and Mike in the Morning.
You should listen, but follow this warning.
Golic only is smart
About the athletic art,
And Greeny’s manliness deserves a scorning.

There was a young girl in Atlanta

There was a young girl in Atlanta
Who’ll say anything that she’ll wanta.
It’s falkin’ this and falkin’ that;
Where the falk is my hat.
For sure, she’s getting nothing from Santa.

Although he was never alive

Although he was never alive,
The author of Blaze seemed to thrive.
The fans like his things
That were rougher than King's--
His Bachman's sterner overt jive.

When I finished reading The Dark Tower

When I finished reading The Dark Tower
King's epic left me somewhat sour.
When I got to the end
The tale went 'round the bend...
When I started reading The Dark Tower...

I recommend Stephen King's Cell

I recommend Stephen King's Cell
A tale of the world gone to hell.
Who thought a Blackberry
Could be so damn scary?
Me? I'm going back to Ma Bell.

The Stand -- a gift from my wife

The Stand -- a gift from my wife --
Was King's tome of apocalyptical strife.
I read it with rapture,
Every day 20 chapters.
It was the most wonderful year of my life.

I didn't find Stephen King's Carrie

I didn't find Stephen King's Carrie
To really be all that much scary.
I remember my prom
It was quite a bomb,
Although not quite so pyrotechnary.

An elderly fellow in Cleveland

An elderly fellow in Cleveland
Wears a button-down shirt with some sleeve bands.
When he tied his brown tie
He thought he would die.
His hands throbbed like you would not believe, man.

A forgetful young man in Chicago

A forgetful young man in Chicago
Was on the stage playing Iago.
But he was not aware
That waist down he was bare
Which the audience saw as bravado.

Mongomery and Jennifer Boone

Montgomery and Jennifer Boone
Sent their children to camp every June.
And with the kids gone,
They screw on the lawn
Every night by the light of the moon.

Word got around the sororities quick

Word got around the sororities quick
About the new frat boy with the 13-inch dick.
But each girl got distressed
When they got him undressed
And found it one-quarter inch thick.

At the Senior Prom, Evelyn Beecher

At the Senior Prom, Evelyn Beecher
Got caught screwing under the bleacher.
She was giving her ass
To a boy from Math class.
Unfortunately, she was the teacher.

After delivering 9 children, Mary

After delivering 9 children, Mary
Was told this by her husband, Larry,
"You may not be virginal
"In your canal vaginal,'
"But, I'm betting you ass is a cherry."

This girl I know in New Orleans

This girl I know in New Orleans
Looks pretty good in those jeans.
She says, "S'aint no doubt,
"I look better without
"em." I think you know just what she means.

There is a young girl in New England

There is a young girl in New England
Whomeets guys in the bars with her girlfriend.
But no man gets a claim
With a foreign last name.
For these girls are patriots to the end.

NFL week 5

Sprority Queen Sandy Loring

Sorority Queen Sandy Loring
About frats gave her sisters this warning,
"They'll get you too drunk,
"Throw you up on their bunk,
"And screw you all night until morning.

Dr. Harrison, the plastic surgeon

Dr. Harrison, the plastic surgeon,
For his wife was losing his urgin’
With a surgical shunt
He shored up her cunt
And made her a technical virgin.