The nursing home aide, Marie Claire,

The nursing home aide, Marie Claire,
Found herself in the gynecologist’s chair.
Because something smarts
Down in her “lady parts”.
Where they found someone’s dentures down there.

Jean and June, twin coeds from Texas

Jean and June, twin coeds from Texas ,
Told their boyfriends, “If you want to sex us,
All be want, don’t you know,
Is a giant red bow
On top of a new silver Lexus.

There once was a reindeer named Dasher

There once was a reindeer named Dasher
Who consulted a New York haberdasher.
He said, ‘Make me fashionable,
Not normal or rational.
‘Cause I see myself much more panacher.”

There once was a reindeer named Dancer
Who vacationed near the Tropic of Cancer.
She lounged by the pool
Looking sexy and cool
Searching for a buck to romance her.

There once was a reindeer named Prancer
Who wanted to be a break-dander.
The antlers made it rough
So he had them cut off,
Hoping a bald head would be the answer.

There once was a reindeer named Vixen
Whose beauty was very transfixin’
She turned up her nose
At all of her beaux
Whom she led on just to eighty-six ‘em.

There once was a reindeer named Comet
Who asked, “Where’s the island of Guam at?
My stomach’s upset
So I need to get
A balm made of Guam palm to calm it.”

There once was a reindeer named Cupid
Who did something incredibly stupid,
She drank too much grog,
Mulled wine and egg nog,
And got a DUI near Guadelupe

There once was a reindeer named Donder
Who in a past life was a condor.
That might explain why
He soars through the sky,
But the laying of eggs is a wonder.

There once was a reindeer named Blitzen
Who loves New Orleans where she sits in
With a Dixieland band
Playing piano four-hand
While tour groups watch her, kibitzin’

There once was a reindeer named Rudolph
Who is an expert at black-and-blue golf.
In spite of its name,
This reindeer game
Is tame. It’s not quite that rough.

Merry Christmas.


Mac

Backstage at the Country Music show

Backstage at the Country Music show
She looked for the nan playing banjo.
She loves when he lingers
With his fast-moving fingers
For her own personal organ solo.

Tiger Woods is the butt of some jokes,

Tiger Woods is the butt of some jokes,
But I think it is all a big hoax.
Why would any girl
Give any guy a twirl
Whose goal is to use the fewest strokes?

Suzanne doesn’t care to do oral;

Suzanne doesn’t care to do oral;
She’s been brought up to think its immoral.
But you better believe it,
She loves to receive it;
Which initiates many a quarrel.

When Bob went to the holiday dance,

When Bob went to the holiday dance,
He was sure that he would get romance,
He’d get many a kiss
With a plan that can’t miss.
‘Cause he’d tied mistletoe to his pants.

When asked if she’d been good this year,

When asked if she’d been good this year,
Ellen told Santa Claus, “Well, my dear,
I’ve fucked many men
And time and again,
They tell me I’m q;uite good, so it’s clear.”

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain;
All that she wants for Christmas is a train.
So while Santa’s away
Flying ‘round in his sleigh,
The elves all line up . . . Do I have to explain?

There once was a fellow named Knox

There once was a fellow named Knox
Who spent all his time playing X-Box.
His girlfriend, Renee,
Said, “Put that away,
Or you’ll never get your hands on my box.”

New Moon will win the box office race

New Moon will win the box office race
With its hunky young vampires apace.
Every theatrical showing
Will start hormones flowing.
There won’t be a dry seat in the place.

UM vs OSU revisited

Of all the women down at Ohio State
There are none that I would make a bed mate.
The ones that I know
Don’t take care down below,
And let their panties just disintegrate.

All of the women at Michigan
Have too many itches in their britches, man.
To get their pants off
Makes me want to cough
And just makes me hungry for fish again.

The porn actress, Ginny McComb,

The porn actress, Ginny McComb,
Was applying some face wrinkle foam.
Her husband walked in
And frowning said, “Gin,
I hate when you bring your work home.”

During some less than effective screwing,

During some less than effective screwing,
Betty said, “Do you know what your doing?”
“I’m sorry,” said Harm,
“But I am from the farm.
It might help if you could start mooing.”

Marie and her landlord made a pact,

Marie and her landlord made a pact,
Since money was something she lacked,
The rent would be free
Including utilities,
If she fulfilled her oral contract.

The gals at work ment to the strip show

The gals at work ment to the strip show
Where the big, beegy studs let it all go,
Where a 20 buck tip,
Got one girl a flip,
And sent the hens out looking to crow.

There’s a stripper named Patty Ann Mears

There’s a stripper named Patty Ann Mears
Who drove her poor mother to tears.
Now, Mom’s not a prude,
It’s OK if Pat’s nude,
But she hates her ankles behind her ears.

All the women adore One-Eyed Peter.

All the women adore One-Eyed Peter.
He’ll turn a good wife to a cheater.
And it is also said
That a kiss of this head
Tastes like marshmallow cream, only sweeter.

Marie is so incredibly thin,

Marie is so incredibly thin,
If you want to take her for a spin,
You night need a lever
To open her beaver
Or you just might not get your dick in.

There was a first-time nudist named Rick

There was a first-time nudist named Rick
Who got tossed from the resort really quick,
When he asked poor Joan
To take Coppertone
And liberally apply it to his dick.

Nathan got the whole wrong idea

Nathan got the whole wrong idea
From the text he received from Maria,
“MST BLO OFF AR D8”.
He replied, “GR8”.
Not realizing she actuallymeant, “C YA”.

There once was a fellow named Tucker,

There once was a fellow named Tucker,
An long-haul, over-the-road trucker.
And he also knows how
To trim his mom's eyebrow.
Yep, he sure is a big mother-plucker.

The beach lifeguard swept in like a hawk

The beach lifeguard swept in like a hawk
To stop Julie’s clothing-free walk.
“You can’t cite free speech
For being nude on the beach,
Unless you can make your pussy talk.”

In pleasing women, Joe was the king.

In pleasing women, Joe was the king.
His secret? Just one little thing.
“This may be a shock,
But, don’t lick her box
After feasting on buffalo wings.”

The new shampoo girl named Bloo Skye

The new shampoo girl named Bloo Skye
Has deiven the salon’s sales sky high,
Since the word got around
To guys all over town
That she gives a blow job with every blow dry.

After visiting a nudist resort,

After visiting a nudist resort,
June had only this to report.
“I’d like to confirm
Breasts look best firm,
And that ‘All men are equal’ falls short.”

There was a old fellow named Dade

There was a old fellow named Dade
Who’s libido was starting to fade.
‘Tween the pumps and the pills,
The ointments and jells,
He needs a U-Haul to get laid.

She brought her mynah to the pet shop

She brought her mynah to the pet shop
“This bird only says, ‘Cunt’, “Make it stop.”
“I don’t want to be fussy,
“If you change it to ‘Pussy’
That would be an acceptable swap.”

For 250 great years

For 250 great years
Guiness has brewed magnificent beers.
So let’s raise a glass,
Every laddie and lass,
And with one world-wide voice, shout out, “Cheers!”

Here's to the newlyweds, Michael and Brandie

Here's to the newlyweds, Michael and Brandie.
They match up like ice cream and candy.
To have a good life
As husband and wife,
Try to not be so reprimandy.

Congratulations, Brandie and Mike!

There once was a waitress named Sally

There once was a waitress named Sally
Who liked to screw men in the alley.
She'd pocket their jack
And wend them out back,
Then slip out the front to the valley.

There once was a woman named Autumn

There once was a woman named Autumn
Who enhanced both her breasts and her bottom.
It’s not just for pleasure,
It’s an economic measure.
She’s not bought any drinks since she got ‘em.

There once was a guy named Gay Steven

There once was a guy named Gay Steven
Who picked up a woman on evin’.
See, he’s only gay
Every other day.
Yep, he’s odd only when it is even.

Can the Lions go 16 and 0?

Can the Lions go 16 and 0?
Dear God, I surely hope so.
No wins in ‘08
Was just so ungreat
I almost moved to Kokomo.

Go lions. Beat the Saints.

There once was a woman named Marge

There once was a woman named Marge
Whose ass was incredible large.
She needs more than a trunk
To carry that junk;
A semi or maybe a barge.

Here’s to the folks running karaoke

Here’s to the folks running karaoke
They’re the best, and that is no jokey.
They put up with drunks,
Would be rappers and punks
And singers quite spastic and strokey.

I’ll warn you about going out with Tabby

I’ll warn you about going out with Tabby
It’s a lot like a trip with a cabbie.
It you get inside
She’ll give you a ride,
But she smells bad and she is way too gabby.

To analyze her sexual condition,

To analyze her sexual condition,
They asked for her favorite position.
She said, “Him in the bed,
Standing on his head,
And me making a snack in the kitchen,”

He got tossed from the big crossword bee

He got tossed from the big crossword bee
For using a profanity.
The right answer, of course,
For “social intercourse”
Was T – A – L – K – I – N – G.

Before Pam left for the Junior High dance,

Before Pam left for the Junior High dance,
Her Mom said, “Keep that boy out of your pants.”
She replied, “I told Kenny
That I’m not wearing any,
So he knows he does not have a chance.”

Everybody thought Chef Tony was mental,

Everybody thought Chef Tony was mental,
Or his “Free Dinner” ads were accidental.
Because he offered this deal;
A free 7-course meal
With a small $50 per plate rental.

There once was a woman named Nina

There once was a woman named Nina
Who kept all her money betweena
Her two ample thighs
Which, to no one’s surprise,
Made buying a candy bar obscena.

For years, that glamour doll, Barbie,

For years, that glamour doll, Barbie,
Has been dressed for a trip to the Derby.
But the ecomony’s bad,
She’d be better clad
For working the drive-thru at Arby.

They can’t shut down that nude restaurant, “Rubes”

They can’t shut down that nude restaurant, “Rubes”
Where the waitresses show off their boobs.
Rube found a loophole.
He can serve Denver Sole,
If the girls wear hairnets on their pubes.

Ventriquist Annabelle King

Ventriquist Annabelle King
Can make her twat whistle and sing,
But her favorite trick
Is a voice gruff and thick
Saying “Watch where you’re pointing that thing."

Jan’s success in the realtor vocation

Jan’s success in the realtor vocation
Was largely due to her fornication.
She uses her tail
To cement every sale.
It’s location, location. location.

Lorraine started acting bizarrely

Lorraine started acting bizarrely;
Got tattooed and purchased a Harley.
Her rumbling bike
Is most foreplay-like
Which doesn’t bother her husband Charlie

My buddy knew he’d get up to bat

My buddy knew he’d get up to bat
When his blind date said, during their chat;
“Later, if you’re not busy
Can you help trim my pussy?”
Not knowing that she owned a cat.

After work, old Montgomery Munche

After work, old Montgomery Munche
Was surprised by his wife’s sucker punch.
She yelled, “Something’s amiss.
I can tell from your kiss. . .
Unless you had sushi for lunch.”

An Oregon fellow named Hoover

An Oregon fellow named Hoover
Patented a sexual maneuver.
He can, it is said,
Make a girl lose her head
And her shrieks can be heard in Vancouver.

There once was a fellow named Ross

There once was a fellow named Ross
Whose throat was cut, right straight across.
Seems that’s what they do
For attempting to screw
The wife of a Mafia boss.

I’ve heard in Tijuana, Mexico

I’ve heard in Tijuana, Mexico
They’ve closed down the old donkey show.
Those six shows a day
Was just too much, they say
For the donkey. Not Pamela Jo.

When the girls get together to chatter

When the girls get together to chatter
They often discuss how size does matter.
All other things equal,
They offer a sequel
To the man whose billfold is fatter.

There once was a woman named Joan

There once was a woman named Joan
Whose husband brought prostitutes home.
Each got 50 bucks
To give him a fuck,
And Joan got to be left alone.

I found when I first got my glasses;

I found when I first got my glasses;
I was being ignored by the lasses.
But, now when I say, “Hi,”
And they walk on by,
I get a better view of their asses.

There once was a fellow named Hanson

There once was a fellow named Hanson
Whose wealth took a major expansion.
His fortune was made
In the pharmacy trade;
Selling Viagra at the Playboy Mansion.

There once was a fellow named Rude

There once was a fellow named Rude
Whose wife never was “in the mood.”
He asked, “Why don’t you soften
And give sex more often?”
She said, “I would if you were any good.”

UFO sightings have gone apace

UFO sightings have gone apace
We see them all over the place.
With all those lights strobing
And the orifice probing
Earth must be the Las Vegas of space.

There once was a woman named Suzie

There once was a woman named Suzie
Who certainly was not a floozy.
Men lined up down the street
Just to massage her feet.
But she turned them all back. She’s so choosy.

Happy birthday, Kathy, a.k.a. Suzie Q

When my widowed mom stays out all night

When my widowed mom stays out all night
To think of her screwing is a fright.
But it was quite a shock
To see her suck a cock
On her very own internet site.

Our baseball team is finally winning

Our baseball team is finally winning
For the first time since its beginning.
The couch hired some women
To kiss balls in the bullpen
And stroke bats in the dugout every inning.

“I don’t carry a purse", said Marlene,

“I don’t carry a purse," said Marlene,
“It makes me feel free, like a queen.
I tape my IDs
To the side of my knees,
And keep change in the slot inbetween.”

Marie was a frustrated bride

Marie was a frustrated bride
So she called her best friend and she cried,
“He so damned fussy
He won’t lick my pussy,
Much less put anything else of his inside.”

When we recall the summer of '69

When we recall the summer of ‘69
With Woodstock, drugs and peace signs,
It tends to explain
Why time and again
We meet 40 year old men named Sunshine.

The good grades given Allison Cutty

The good grades given Allison Cutty
Were not surprising to anybody.
By sitting up in the front
And exposing her cunt,
She found that she did not need to study.

The tattoo shop is Ellen's big love

The tattoo shop is Ellen’s big love.
She wears ink like most of us wear a glove.
The one you should see
Is the one by her knee
That simply says, “Heaven’s Above”.

The best scientific advancement

The best scientific advancement
Is that pill that promotes male enhancement
To think a placebo
Could jump start libido
Without providing a much larger lancement.

The recession's hit the world of vice

The recession’s hit the world of vice
The Nevada brothels have slashed the price
Of a suck and a fuck
To only one buck.
So all the assets are fully utilized.

When asked why she's marrying Paul

When asked why she’s marrying Paul
Given that his dick is so small,
Sue said, “When we do it
I get to sleep through it,
And that extra nap sure is a cure-all.”

I'm back from a bout with the flu

I’m back from a bout with the flu.
The non-porcine variety, thank you.
‘Tween the achin’ and coughin’
I had picked out a coffin,
So, it’s great to be back with all of you.

There once was a fellow from Dearborn

There once was a fellow from Dearborn
Who spent all his time watching net porn
Despite what’s on his screen
The only real pussy he’s seen
Was his mom’s on the day he was born.

Sue told the bartender, for a drink

Sue told the bartender, for a drink
She’d give him a blow job by the sink.
He said. “Suck my dick first;
If you still have a thirst;
Drinks are on the house, whatd’ya think?”

Louisa is regarded as a slut

Louisa is regarded as a slut,
Just because she enjoys sex in her butt,
And down her throat
And with a goat
And the whole night crew at Pizza Hut.

Josephine thought it was quite flirty

Josephine thought it was quite flirty
To attract men with language quite dirty.
Her girlfriends said, “No.”
But I told her, “Jo,
I think ‘Fuck me in the ass’ is quite purty.”

No post today

Watching the NFL Draft. Go Lions.

At work, Bob complained about his streak

At work, Bob complained about his streak,
Stating, “I haven’t had sex for a week.”
Josette played along
And said, “Gee, what’s wrong?
Did your inflatable girl spring a leak?”

Katy, a gal from Madrid

Katy, a gal from Madrid
Said, while 69ing old Sid.
“If you don’t make me click,
I will bite off your dick.”
Sadly, Sid didn’t but Katydid.

The Postal Service is honoring Homer

The Postal Service is honoring Homer;
Not the Greek, the Fox network gomer.
The Simpsons on stamps
Might give some people cramps;
Maybe next year for the Illiad’s poemer.

The national mystery is at last over

The national mystery is at last over.
The Obamas have selected their “Rover”.
If he house-breaks their pet
There might be hope yet
That the Prez can get Congress to roll over.

The old farmer aspied his son, Pard

The old farmer aspied his son, Pard
Beating off in the back of the yard.
He said, “Boy, by my life
I done got you a wife!”
Pard said, “But, her little arm gets too tard.”

That "ShamWow" guy Vince had to pay

That “ShamWow” guy Vince had to pay
For a fight with a hooker, they say
He wanted sex twice
For only one price.
She said, “We can’t do this all day.”

At the gynecologist's office, said Lee

At the gynecologist's office, said Lee,
“Doc, it itches down there where I pee.”
He said, “This is not nice,
I see scabies and lice,
And something else looking back at me.”

Sunny will attempt a world record

Sunny will attempt a world record
For by how many men she can be peckered.
1,000 is her goal
Less than 400 per hole,
Not at once! She will not be triple-deckered.

So Letterman finally got maried

So Letterman finally got married
To make a standard family for young Harry.
The house band was there
With a matrimonial aire
But Alan as a bridesmaid? How scary.

The President flexed his political muscle

The President flexed his political muscle
And GM caved in without a tussle.
He said, “Fire this guy.”
GM said, “Aye, Aye.”
And hired his brother-in-law, Russell.

Geneticist Rosemary Delph

Geneticist Rosemary Delph
Performed an experiment way off-the-shelf.
She took genes from a housecat;
Grafted them where she sat;
Hoping her pussy would lick itself.

Young Wilfred was accused of some filth.

Young Wilfred was accused of some filth.
“Did you fuck our neighbor’s wife, Wilf?”
He said, “Yes, I did,
I am a truthful kid.
And there’s no use in lying over drilled MILF.”

Anna said, "Hooking is a great life

Anna said, “Hooking is a great life
I get paid for sex without strife.
I undress him and fuck him,
Redress him and chuck him,
Then send him on home to his wife.”

Mary Ann loves to sing karaoke

Mary Ann loves to sing karaoke
In a bar that is dark and is smokey.
She pretends she is Britney,
Mariah and Whitney,
But she sounds like a frog; kinda croakey.

Jane sat at the end of the bar

Jane sat at the end of the bar
And surveyed the pickings so far.
Two gays and three fatties,
And not one sugar daddy,
So she diddled herself in the car.

To keep his family in meat and in flour

To keep his family in meat and in flour
Al climbed to the top of a tower.
With bullhorn in hand
He yelled ‘cross the land,
“I’ll lick pussy for 10 bucks an hour.”

Blog ending due to lawsuit

I am forced to stop posting as of this date, due to a lawsuit from Flo Avril, the owner of the Progressive Grill, defamation of character.

I'm in love with the Progressive girl, Flo

I’m in love with the Progressive girl, Flo.
I think of her everywhere I go.
If I could just find her store
I’d throw myself on the floor,
And not leave ‘til she gave me a tango.

My wife, as a cook, is quite bad

My wife, as a cook, is quite bad.
Her meals are the worst I’ve ever had.
She watches telechefs all day
Like DeLaurentis and Flay
But just for the restaurant ads.

All youngsters play "Doctor", my friend

All youngsters play “Doctor”, my friend.
It’s a harmless pastime to them
But sharp little Bobby
Took too far his hobby
Because he plays “OB/GYN”.

A retired streetwalker named Yvonne

A retired streetwalker named Yvonne
Had 7 young boys running ‘round.
They’re all good little lads
Who remind her of their dads
Which is why she named them all “John”.

A 60-year-old gal named Alice

A 60-year-old gal named Alice
Gave birth to triplets in Dallas.
The catalyst she blames
Is found in their names –
Levitra, Viagara, and Cialis.

There once was a woman named Annie

There once was a woman named Annie
Who was blessed with a prodigious fanny.
Men drove in from Dover
To watch her bend over.
She’s so round and firm, it’s uncanny.

Happy birthday, Annie

When Jennifer turned 45

When Jennifer turned 45
Her sexual drive came alive.
Anything with a shaft
She inserts fore and aft
In a maneuver she calls the “skin-dive”.

In Camelot, during King Arthur's fame

In Camelot, during King Arthur’s fame
Lancelot used the moat to wash his frame.
Guinevere took a chance
And jumped up on his lance,
For Lancelot was not just his name.

Classic Limerick -- There once was a man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it."

At spring break, this fellow named Pete

At spring break, this fellow named Pete
Accomplished a remarkable feat.
He squeezed seven girls from a bar
In the front of his car
And later got ate in the back seat.

There once was a fellow named Curt

There once was a fellow named Curt
A practitioner of the photo upskirt
Unsuspecting lasses
Reveal their young asses
To this digitally enabled pervert.

She was bound from her head to her foot

She was bound from her head to her foot
With ropes of leather, nylon and jute.
Bent over a chair
With her ass in the air.
There appears to be something afoot.

On the morn after St. Patrick's day

On the morn after St. Patrick’s day
I just wish the pounding would go away.
And to make matters worse,
I’ve woke up with a nurse,
Who hopes to get pounded again today.

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade

In Ireland, there's no St. Patrick parade,
I saw folks in church where they prayed.
Not like over here
Where we just pour green beer
Down the hatches of young girls to get laid.

I offered a toast to the groom

I offered a toast to the groom,
“I know you’re the luckiest man in this room,
‘Couse I’ve been inside
Your young blushing bride,
As have most of your friends, I assume.”

So today is Friday the Thirteenth -- Revisited

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my room
With Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth.

There's been this war on my TV

There’s been this war on my TV
Between The Daily Show and CNBC.
Seems when Cramer says his sooth
It is far from the truth,
And Stewart’s renamed his show “Bad Money”.

When prostitutes go on vacation

When prostitutes go on vacation,
They pick quite a mundane destination.
They just watch some TV
With an ice bag where they pee,
And with Pretty Woman in heavy rotation.

Here's to the modern coffee shop

Here’s to the modern coffee shop
Where both slackers and hard-chargers stop
These disparate groups mix
For their caffeine fix
At 3 to 4 dollars a pop.

To make our ecomony strong

To make our ecomomy strong
We must move veteran leaders along,
With their moral lackage
They think the stimulus package
Is a congressional page in a thong.

To build up her sex-business, Cherry

To build up her sex-business, Cherry,
Took action out of the ordinary.
She dressed as a boy
And called herself Roy
And hung out by the Catholic seminary.

The veteran first-baseman, Doug

The veteran first-baseman, Doug,
Was wearing a path is the rug
Worried that Cialis
Would show up in his piss,
Since it’s a performance-enhancing drug.

The high cost of being a good-looker

The high cost of being a good-looker
Is squeezing Angellina, the hooker.
So she’s lowering the rates
For her corporate “dates”,
And takes American Express if they’ll book her.

There once was a fellow named Bennett

There once was a fellow named Bennett
Who wanted to run for the Senate.
But when it was known
His name used to be Joan
He broke a basic political tenet.

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher

Heed the tale of Sam Wurzelbacher,
Victim of a privacy ransaker.
Renamed “Joe the Plumber”,
This political newcomer
Was slammed as a McCain / Palin backer.

There are lots of nice things about Autumn

There are lots of nice things about Autumn,
But, unfortunately, I just forgot ‘em.
She is pretty and nice,
And,. . . uh . . . did I mention nice?
And if you like big feet, she’e got ‘em.

There once was a hooker named Lavender

There once was a hooker named Lavender
Who charged just 50 bucks to rear end her,
Or 10 for a suck,
25 for a fuck,
But at least 2 grand to befriend her.

Tired of do-it-herself bushwacks,

Tired of do-it-herself bushwacks,
Marie went in for a bikini wax.
The pain was severe
And when she looked in the mirror,
She asked for her labia back.

A fellow wjo lived in Green Bay

A fellow who lived in Green Bay
Was enjoying a mid-summer day.
First time in July, I’ve
Felt it reach 35
I might just put my parka away.”

I hate that "Shamwow" fellow, Vince

I hate that “Shamwow” fellow, Vince
The most irritating pitchman since
That troll Billy Mays
And I’ll scream out “No way”,
If he gets a “Girls Gone Wild” lap dance.

TV makes my sex life more steamy

TV makes my sex life more steamy
By allowing my wife to get extremey.
While she’s on top of me
She can watch “Grey’s Anatomy”
And pretend that she’s screwing “McDreamy”.

And then of course, there's Bridgette

And then of course, there’s Bridgette
Who certainly is not at all frigid.
Her considerable skill
(And that little blue pill)
Insures that the old troll stays rigid.

Whenever I spend time with Kendra

Whenever I spend time with Kendra
My mind just wants to surrendra.
She’s brought being non-smart
To the level of art,
And I don’t think that she’s a pretendra.

There once was a bimbo named Holly

There once was a bimbo named Holly
Who was always so irritatingly jolly.
But her smile is as real
As her boobs, so I feel,
She’s just like an inflatable dolly.

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny

Hugh Hefner has revived the Bunny
But I think that something is funny.
The math at my school
Can't provide a rule
For how often 82 goes into 20.

There once was a man who played keno

There once was a man who played Keno
In a casino at San Mendocino.
He hoped a big prize
Would open the thighs
Of Philipino president Corazon Aquino

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth

Here's to the immortal Babe Ruth
Baseball's greatest player, in truth.
No 'roids or hormones
Those runs were his own
Aided only by 185 proof.

The annual car show inspires

The annual car show inspires
My auto-erotic desires
But the poor bottom-line
Forced o prominent sign --
“Free car with the purchase of tires!”

There once was a fellow named Craig

There once was a fellow named Craig
Whose dick was as long as his leg.
But to his dismay
It just gets in the way,
‘Specially when he plays mumblety-peg.

There once was a fellow named Rudy

There once was a fellow named Rudy
Who my Dad would have referred to as “fruity”.
But just ‘cause he’s lean,
Well dressed and clean,
It doesn’t mean he take dicks in the pootie.

As we celebrate Valentine's Day

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day
I feel it’s important to say,
A VD present
Should be something pleasant.
Don’t give an STD away.

So today is Friday the Thriteenth

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my room
With Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth.

There once was a fellow named Bobby

There once was a fellow named Bobby
Who listed "Gay sex" as his hobby.
When he shops, he can't pass
Hew dildos for his ass,
Specially when they're veiny and knobby.

There once was a fellow named Oliver

There once was a fellow named Oliver
Who bragged he could make any gal quiver.
When he took off his pants
One girl said, “Fat chance,
You’re not coming near me with that sliver.”

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack

I was sitting in my ice fishing shack
When I heard a frightening "Crack!"
Thank God the Coast Guard
Rescued my fat lard
'Cause the sheriff wanted to throw us all back.

The recession's hit hard our downtown

The recession's hit hard our downtown.
I don't see many people around.
It makes me quite sad
To see things so bad.
Even the tumbleweed vendor's shut down

A sailor who needed a punt

A sailor who needed a punt
Searched high and low for the china.
He was new in town
So we wandered around
Hoping to meet up with some hussy.

Here's to the great Michael Phelps -- Revisited

Posted August 8th, 2008

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps.
It must take some mettle
To win eight gold medals,
And that .01 second sure helps.

Congratulations Michael Phelps and the US Swim Team!

Revised version

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose bong photo caused much hoots and yelps.
The Role-Model's Creed
Says, "The smoking of weed
Near camera-phones almost never helps."

Jimmy's wife arranged for his birthday

Jimmy’s wife arranged for his birthday
To fulfill his fantasy – a three-way
With her sister, Lee,
So she could agree
That Jimmy, indeed, was a bad lay.

A fellow who grew up in Pittsfurgh -- Revisited

A fellow who grew up in Pittsburgh
Now lives with the Grand Duchess of Hapsburg.
He said, “It’s an art.
To steal ‘er cold heart.
It’s like making love to an iceburg.

Congratulations, Steelers!

I swear that I'm being seduced

I swear that I’m being seduced
By that anchorgirl on Headline News.
She blinks in Morse code
A sensuous ode
Of the moisture level of her cooze.

I got dumped by Rosemary Spivic

I got dumped by Rosemary Spivic
For reasons she made quite specific.
Her pussy was large
Like a two-car garage,
But I was just driving a Civic.

There once was a young man named Talmadge

There once was a young man named Talmadge
Who yelled from the roof to alledge
That Maureen would be sorry
When she heard the story
About how he jumped over the edge.

There once was a woman named Mabel

There once was a woman named Mabel
Who daily went out to the stable.
Her favorite mount
Was referred to as “Count”
But his real name was Freddie McCable.

My neighbor, Beth, is quite a foodie

My neighbor, Beth, is quite a foodie
She loves Thai, Greek, even ratatouille
Tex-Mex, Japanese,
And Egyptian goat cheese,
Thank God she’s a prude, not a nudie.

A young orchard worker named Ryder

A young orchard worker named Ryder
Smashed his thumb in the press for the cider.
He called up his Mum
And asked her to come
So he could soak his poor digit inside her.

There once were twin girls named Olsen

There once were twin girls named Olsen
Who were precious, winsome and wholesome.
They turned by some trick
Into fright wigs on sticks
Surviving on cocaine and Molson.

Annie barged into the team's locker room

Annie barged into the team’s locker room
Saying, “Lower your Fruits of the Loom!”
She let them all ride her.
At one time, inside her,
Was the coach, the mascot and a broom.

There once was a fellow named Joe

There once was a fellow named Joe
Who’s not what you might call gung-ho.
He’s never worried,
Bothered or hurried
Long as his income matches his outgo.

Happy Birthday, Joe!

There once was a woman named Syd

There once was a woman named Syd
Who hit me for something I did.
She then whirled around
And knocked me to the ground
For something that I should have did.

There once was a fellow named Rick

There once was a fellow named Rick
Who sadly has a foot for a dick.
Women do like a shlong
That is 12-inches long
But with toes on the end? That’s just sick.

There was a farm girl from Monroe

There was a farm girl from Monroe
Who tried to get off in the cornrows.
But corncobs were too rough;
The goat’s not big enough;
And she can’t get the horse to go slow.

There once was a man called Obama

There once was a man named Obama --
A political phenomenoma.
His cry; "Yes We Can"
Rang out 'cross the land
Bright'ning our national panarama.

There once was a fellow named Elden

There once was a fellow named Elden
Who spent most of his time in a barrel.
Someone asked him, “Why?
Are you ‘The Barrel Guy’?”
He said, “No. That’s my other brother, Elden.”

Happy Birthday, Elden (aka Darryl)

A San Francisco native named Molly

A San Francisco native named Molly
Likes to expose herself on the trolley.
She flashes her boobs
To the tourists and rubes
And her ass to the gays from the valley.

In India, there's a fellow named Kelly

In India, there’s a fellow named Kelly
Who’s a nutritional Botticelli
He’s liquefied ham
Into some kind of jam -
Kelly’s New Delhi pork-belly jelly.

There once was a fellow named Forrest

There once was a fellow named Forrest;
A successful and flamboyant florist.
But he wasn’t gay,
Far from it, some say.
In fact, he was known as a whorist.

I don't like that Stephen Colbert

I don’t like that Stephen Colbert.
The most obnoxious guy anywhere.
He’s as dumb as a box
Of Republican rocks.
He’s a vacuum with magnificent hair.

I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart

I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart
‘Specially when he wears the blue shirt.
His keen fashion sense
Elevates the nonsense
Of the news to a fine Schubert concert.

There once was a gal from Los Angeles

There once was a gal from Los Angeles
Named Angela Angie D’Angelas.
She’s a fun-loving girl
Who’ll give you a whirl
After kneeling to recite the “Angelus”.

There once was a fellow named Hunter

There once was a fellow named Hunter
Who called for his wife to confront her.
He said, “I ain’t been laid
Since the Macy parade.
I demand it, but just if you want ta."

I have a deep hate for my Mother

I have a deep hate for my Mother
‘Cause she’s just brought home a third brother
Add a sister or two
In one bed for this crew.
I’m afraid one’ll move and I’ll smother.

On her wedding night, Penelope Prigger

On her wedding night, Penelope Prigger
Said, “I’m so glad that you’re not that much bigger,
I had sex once before,
When it’s huge, it’s a chore,
And, of course, that time was with a black man.”

A naive honeymooner named Shearer

A naïve honeymooner named Shearer
Was surprised as his new wife came nearer.
He said, “Golly gee,
You’ve a dick just like me.”
From the john she said, “That’s just the mirror.”

Here's to dearly departed Tom

Here’s to dearly departed Tom
Who liked to beat off in the john
But while choking his chicken
His heart gave up tickin’
And the hard part was telling his Mom.

A woman from Santa Domingo

A woman from Santa Domingo
Said, “I really do love cunnillingo,
If you want to dick me,
You first have to lick me.
And feel free to add some of your fingos.”

I noticed my odd neighbor, Earl

I noticed my odd neighbor, Earl
At his window with his manhood unfurled.
What he was doing was plain;
There's no need to explain.
My neighbor was fucking the world.

There once was a gal named Alexis

There once was a gal named Alexis,
Who for ten years has lived a life sexless.
Since a crafting mishap
Spilled super glue in her lap
Which welded her thighs at their nexus.

When asked about football, I retort

When asked about football, I retort,
“I don’t follow professional sports.”
And when you look at
My Detroit Lions hat
I point out they’re an amateur sort.

There once was a fellow named Horatio

There once was a fellow named Horatio
Whose wife would not give him fellatio.
He gets what he longs for
From the woman next door
For just a quite reasonable donatio.

There's a nymphomaniac named Rose

There’s a nymphomaniac named Rose
Whose pussy’s stretched out, you’d suppose.
She ruined an all-nighter
With a hot fire fighter,
When she asked him to let out more hose.

There once was a year called '08

There once was a year called '08.
For the most part, it wasn't so great.
My 401-K
Won't see light of day
Until my childrens' retirement date.