I asked my Dad, “Why do they say

I asked my Dad, “Why do they say
That 12/26 is Boxing Day?”
He took me to the mall
To experience the brawl
Of the return / exchange counter fray.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

The Center is closed today, so please enjoy an entry from the past. Se you on Boxing Day.

There once was a reindeer named Dasher
Who consulted a New York haberdasher.
He said, ‘Make me fashionable,
Not normal or rational.
‘Cause I see myself much more panacher.”

There once was a reindeer named Dancer
Who vacationed near the Tropic of Cancer.
She lounged be the pool
Looking sexy and cool
Searching for a buck to romance her.

There once was a reindeer named Prancer
Who wanted to be a break-dander.
The antlers made it rough
So he had them cut off,
Hoping a bald head would be the answer.

There once was a reindeer named Vixen
Whose beauty was very transfixin’
She turned up her nose
At all of her beaux
Whom she led on just to eighty-six ‘em.

There once was a reindeer named Comet
Who asked, “Where’s the island of Guam at?
My stomach’s upset
So I need to get
A balm made of Guam palm to calm it.”

There once was a reindeer named Cupid
Who did something incredibly stupid,
She drank too much grog,
Mulled wine and egg nog,
And got a DUI near Guadelupe

There once was a reindeer named Donder
Who in a past life was a condor.
That might explain why
He soars through the sky,
But the laying of eggs is a wonder.

There once was a reindeer named Blitzen
Who loves New Orleans where she sits in
With a Dixieland band
Playing piano four-hand
While tour groups watch her, kibitzin’

There once was a reindeer named Rudolph
Who is an expert at black-and-blue golf.
In spite of its name
This reindeer game
Is really not quite all that rough.

A jungle explorer named Haver

A jungle explorer named Haver
Found an area that just made him quaver.
The world’s densest bush
Stretched from navel to tush;
To screw her, he would have to shave her.

Jenny sat on the seashore and moped.

Jenny sat on the seashore and moped.
Her vacation had not gone as hoped.
The weather was great;
The hotel was first-rate.
But at the airport she had not been groped.

There once was a fellow named Dougherty

There once was a fellow named Dougherty
Who laid face-up on the pub floorerty.
To peek up the skirts
The the pretty young flirts
As they head to the ladies’ room doorerty.

Michigan / Ohio State

Of all the women down at Ohio State
There are none that I would make a bed mate.
The ones that I know
Don’t take care down below,
And let their panties just disintegrate.

All of the women at Michigan
Have too many itches in their britches, man.
To get their pants off
Makes me want to cough
And just makes me hungry for fish again.

There was a young man from Wilkes Barre

There was a young man from Wilkes Barre
On a date in this father’s new carre.
He reached for her tit
But she told him, “Quit!
On a first date, I don’t go that farre.”

There once was a woman named Tommie

There once was a woman named Tommie
Who learned the Chinese art of origami.
She made a vibrator
Out of sandpaper
And died of the resulting tsunami.

There once was a woman named Hailey

There once was a woman named Hailey
Who used her vibrator twice daily.
Some might suggest
Ths she was obsessed.
But, she didn’t want it to go staley.

Blog Action Day 2010 - Water -- Could you tell your son or your daughter,

Could you tell your son or your daughter,
“Remember, Kids, don’t drink the water”?
But that order stands
Across many lands.
Do something about it? We aughter.

Today is Blog Action Day 2010 – Water. Thousands of bloggers from around the globe are taking to the internet today to address the many threats to our world-wide water supply. Please visit my other blog, Trees and Trash ( www.treestrash.blogspot.com ) and the main site for Blog Action Day 2010 ( www.blogactionday.org ). Do something today to save some water.

There once was a young man named Kevin

There once was a young man named Kevin
Who wondered if there was sex in heaven.
Then a voice from above,
Said, “Of course, we make love,
If fact, you’ve got a date at eleven.”

There once was a gal named Colleen,

There once was a gal named Colleen,
Mistress of le danseuse obscene.
She like to be tied
With dildoes inside
While bound to a washing machine.

When Annie Smallbox met Bobby Hardwick

When Annie Smallbox met Bobby Hardwick
They both thought it would be an ideal pick.
But Annie was large
Like a two-car garage;
And Bobby was more like an ice pick.

There once was a girl from Wisconsin

There once was a girl from Wisconsin
Who went by the first name of Johnson.
She clained it’s not tough,
But her boyfriend, Muff,
Said it is a bit weird in the long run.

There once was a woman named Gloria

There once was a woman named Gloria
Who lived at the Walford Astoria.
Not as a paid lodger,
But with some old codger
Where she goes down like the Andrea Doria.

There once was a fellow named Garrison

There once was a fellow named Garrison
Whose Mother called him her hairy son.
With a face to be heard,
His passion for the word
Made NPR’s best show “that Prairie one”.

There once was a fellow from Durham

There once was a fellow from Durham
Whose girlfriend knew just how to stir him
To bring her the heights
Of sexual delights.
If he starts to slow down, she spurs him.

Rex Ryan, a coach most profound,

Rex Ryan, a coach most profound,
Apparently cannot make a soung
Without saying “Fuck!”
Using it with pluck
As an adjective, adverb and noun.

There was a woman named Lois Mae

There was a woman named Lois Mae
Who sadly is not with us today.
Wife, nurse and mother
Above any other,
To Heaven, she’ll show us the way,

Rest in Peace, Lois MacArthur, beloved Mother.

There once was a co-ed named Megan

There once was a co-ed named Megan
Who, on Thursday night, went out a keggin’.
She woke Sunday morn,
Naked as she was born
Except for one inside-out leggin’.

A fellow from central Indiana

A fellow from central Indiana
Had a cock that looked like a banana.
Sadly it curved down,
Was mushy and brown,
Since he spent that weekend in Havana.

There once was a fellow named Chuck

There once was a fellow named Chuck
Who was having a bad run of luck.
Losing his job and his girl
Had his balls in a whirl
And all he could say about it was, “Bleep” because he worked at the FCC.

There once was a woman from Long Island

There once was a woman from Long Island
Who didn’t like living on dry land.
She hung out at the docks
Offering to suck cocks
For passage to Norway or Thailand.

There once was a woman named Ruth

There once was a woman named Ruth
Who worked at the fair’s kissing booth.
It’s 1 dollar per kiss
From this comely miss,
And for 20, she’ll take out her tooth.

There once was a woman from Maryland

There once was a woman from Maryland
Who would not have sex with a hairy man.
His chest, back and ass
Must be smooth as glass
And even down there by his merry gland.

There once was a gal from Las Vegas

There once was a gal from Las Vegas
Who gyrated in those go-go cages.
So intent on her dance,
She peed in her pants –
A vision that will forever plague us.

There once was a fellow from Philly

There once was a fellow from Philly
Who was proud of his extra long willie.
To give girls a glance
He wore transparent pants
Which protected it if it got chilly.

Mei Ling hoped that she would get lucky

Mei Ling hoped that she would get lucky
When she moved from Beijing to Kentucky.
“I need a big stud
With rust in his brood,
Because Chinese man is no good at fuckee.”

My girl got a Wisconsin waxing,

My girl got a Wisconsin waxing,
Like a Brazilian, but not quite as taxing
To remove pubic hair
They pour cheese sauce down there,
Scraping it off with corn chips. How relaxing!

There once was a young man from Texas

There once was a young man from Texas
Who lost the battle of the sexes.
His dick was too small
For any woman at all.
And the gays hate his wardrobe of checkes.

A hooker tired of selling her ass

A hooker tired of selling her ass
Held a “Penis Enlarging Class”.
Where unfortunate fucks
Paid 75 bucks
For a $2 magnifying glass.

There once was a woman named Stella

There once was a woman named Stella
Who just wanted a regular fella.
One who would screw her
And not try to woo her
By singing show tunes a cappella,

There was a ranch hand from California.

There was a ranch hand from California.
Compared to most men, he was hornia.
He’d screw any hole
From a sheep to a foal,
Or a tree if it wasn’t all thornia.

There once was a woman named Chrissie

There once was a woman named Chrissie
Who thought her boy-friend was a sissy.
After she sucked his dick,
He’d touch-up her lipstick
Before he would give her a kissy.

On a corner stood saleswoman, Tammy,

On a corner stood saleswoman, Tammy,
Dressed in just her shoes and a cami,
Hoping to inspire
Some intense desire
To purchase her $10 chamois.

These once was a woman named Audrey

These once was a woman named Audrey
Who’s wardrobe is tacky and tawdry
With tube tops and shorts
And Ts will all sorts
Of vulgar slogans that he calls, “bawdry”.

There once was a woman named Vickie

There once was a woman named Vickie
Who rarely will pass up a quickie.
But before you can tool her
She’ll pull out her ruler.
Yeah, I’m afraid that she’s really that picky.

There once was a gal named Amanda

There once was a gal named Amanda
Who sat naked out on the veranda,
With hope that she might
Lure a man for the night,
But, sadly she looks like George Blanda.

There once was a gal named Christine

There once was a gal named Christine
Who was easy to look at but mean.
With lovely blonde hair
And an icy cold stare,
It’s like making love to a Marine.

There once was a young gal named Scooter,

There once was a young gal named Scooter,
To call her a sex addict would suit her.
She most likes to fuck
In the back of a truck
On the freeway, with the morning commuters.

It time for me to take a stance

It time for me to take a stance
Against those old guys who wear those short pants,
With knee socks and sandals
While one testicle dandles.
Where do they think thing they are? France?

All hail to the won’drous coffee beanl

All hail to the won’drous coffee beanl
Purveyor of life-giving caffeine.
Make it hot. Make it dark.
Nothing to dull the spark.
Serve it to me in a 8-suart tureen.

There once was a fellow named Weyman

There once was a fellow named Weyman
Who’s never had sex with a woman.
It’s not that he’s gay
Or that he’d rather pray.
It’s just that he is such a wee man.

There once was a gal named Sabrina

There once was a gal named Sabrina
Whose vagina had a greenish patina.
The dildo she’d been sold
Was not solid gold,
But some alloy from Hercegovina

There once was a fellow named Johnson

There once was a fellow named Johnson
Who had a magnificent johnson.
But a zipper miscue
Caused his own blood to spew,
Requiring products from Johnson & Johnson.

There once was a gal named Yolanda

There once was a gal named Yolanda
Who never once went to Uganda.
Or Paris. Or Rome.
Or any place far from home.
Because Bingo was all she was fonda.

Rest in Peace, Yolanda.

There was an old fellow named Thatcher

There was an old fellow named Thatcher
Who spent his day as a girl-watcher.
As a cutie walked by
He asked himself, “Why”
“What ever could I do if I catch her?”

I’ve invented the ultimate stroller

I’ve invented the ultimate stroller
For your 1-year-old rocker and roller.
It’s got woofers and tweeters
And what’s even sweeter.
It’s powered by off-the-grid solar.

There once was a girl named Joanna

There once was a girl named Joanna
Who has screwed every male in Savannah,
‘Cept those under ten,
A few clergymen,
And the current boy-friend of her “Nana”.

After sun-bathing nude at St. Pete’s

After sun-bathing nude at St. Pete’s
Marie looked as red as some beets.
Heading home she just cried
For that 2-day bus ride,
Standing up wearing loose-fitting sheets.

There was a French woman named Claire

There was a French woman named Claire
Who cared not for position du missionaire.
Le modelle de chien
Made her feel tres bien
But plais , tu nais entre le derrierre.

There once was a woman named Molly

There once was a woman named Molly
Who thought celibacy was a folly.
She’ll go missionary
With Tom, Dick or Harry,
Rudolph, Vladimir or Pasquale.

There once was a fellow from Phoenix

There once was a fellow from Phoenix
Who had an extraordinary penix
It was average size
But, what made it a prize
Was that it was shaped like a DNA helix.

There once was a woman named Ann

There once was a woman named Ann
Who wanted an all-over tan
But, sadly she dozed
In a wide open pose,
And blistered her little bald man.

There once was a man from El Paso

There once was a man from El Paso
Who everyone considered an asshole.
This misogynistic nut
Branded his wife’s butt
And chased her around with a lasso.

While exposing himself, some old bloke

While exposing himself, some old bloke
Gave an elderly widow a stroke.
Now, she didn’t die
But she was heard to cry,
“Stroking it won’t help it if it’s broke.”

There once was a fellow named Mario

There once was a fellow named Mario
Who was known to be quite the lothario.
When a girl showed up “late”
He made for the gate
Leaving the poor girl to say, “Where’d he go?”

The doctor told sweet young Louise

The doctor told sweet young Louise
Her cold sores were really herpes.
What made her feel worse
Was when he told the nurse,
“Another case of ‘Dick-in-mouth’ disease.”

There once was a man named Maurice

There once was a man named Maurice
Who covered his manhood with goose grease.
“Cause as everyman knows
When your little guy grows,
Nothing beats a grease-aided release.

There once was a woman named Carolyn

There once was a woman named Carolyn
Who will go out only with a narrow man.
Her box is so small –
Almost no hole at all –
That to screw a big man could be harrowin’.

In the bathroom, a drunk girl named C J

In the bathroom, a drunk girl named C J,
Gave someone she just met a a B J.
He said, “Not so fast,
I want it to last.”
She said, “I;m keeping in time with the D J.”

A girl made the team in South Bend

A girl made the team in South Bend
Recommended by her quarterback boyfriend.
“You better believe her,
She’s a great wide receiver
With some experience at tight end.

There once was a fellow named Grinder

There once was a fellow named Grinder
Whom the ladies all call a sidewinder.
But, they don’t understand
He’s a one-woman- man
And he’ll screw everyone ‘til he finds her.

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day
I have only one thing to say;
Mom, thanks for all you did
When I was a kid
Which has so screwed me up to this day.

Dan’s a pro at the country buffet

Dan’s a pro at the country buffet;
He really can put it away
He grabs some from each
Warming pan he can reach,
Except for the anchoviy soufflé.

There once was a fellow named Cullen

There once was a fellow named Cullen;
Perpetually moody and sullen.
His wife won’t approve
Of his favorite move
So his marital rights, she’s annullin’.

There once was a fellow named Lee

There once was a fellow named Lee
With a tongue as long as one can be.
It’s all over town
That when he goes down,
He can tickle either ovary.

There once was a fellow named Ben

There once was a fellow named Ben
Who last week ran nude through the glen.
Ben is so well hung
So gals old and young
Lined upIn case he runs again.

Sue sat in the food court alone

Sue sat in the food court alone
Slowly eating a B and R cone.
She looked so darn sad
It made me feel bad
So I went and got one of my own.

There once was a fellow named Joyce

There once was a fellow named Joyce
Who made a fine literary choice,
To craft a poem, you see,
About the wonders of a tree
Giving nature an eternal voice.

Trees by Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

For fore trees, go to http://www.treestrash.blogspot.com/

Happy Earth Day!

There once was a terrorist named Bernie

There once was a terrorist named Bernie
With a demeanor very taciturney.
He tied a M-80
To he torso (quite weighty)
To rid the radio waves of Journey,

There once was a young girl named Jenna

There once was a young girl named Jenna
Whose hair was the color of henna,.
Until a new shade of red
Was seen on her head,
Followed by black, blonde, chartreuse and magenna.

Happy birthday, Jenna!

There once was a fellow named Larry

There once was a fellow named Larry
With a burdensome secret to carry –
A recent surgery
“Add-a-dick-to-me”.
Yes, his first name used to be Mary.

There once was a fellow named Rudy

There once was a fellow named Rudy
Whose girlfriend was truly a beauty.
But she kept herself chaste
Not even embraced,
Which left our friend Rudy quite moody.

There once was a fellow named Charlie

There once was a fellow named Charlie
Who, at 7, could ride his own Harley.
At 10 he screwed daily
His best girlfriend Haillie,
A Campbell Soup VP for barley.

There once was a fellow named James

There once was a fellow named James
Who can’t recall his girlfriends’ names.
Except for Mary Claire
Who shaved her pubic hair,
And replaced it with hot tattooed flames.

There once was a gal named Regina

There once was a gal named Regina;
A Britisher living in China.
She's a limerickster’’s dream.
A subject supreme,
‘Cause her name rhymes with South Carolina.

There once was a fellow named Thomas

There once was a fellow named Thomas
Who made his dear Mother a promise
To not go with girls
With their lipstick and curls,
But didn’t say anything about llamas.

There once was a gal in the French Quarter

There once was a gal in the French Quarter
Who wanted a nice fellow to court her.
She showed off her tits
Which started a blitz
But non of them could really support her.

There once was a artist named Prince

There once was a artist named Prince
Whose songs made the old people wince.
But they gave him a role
In the big Super Bowl,
And he’s been mainstream ever since.

Everybody’s doing this P90X.

Everybody’s doing this P90X.
They claim that it’s better than sex.
I don’t want to be rude,
But if you are a dude,
I do not want to eyeball your pecs.

There once was a fellow named Jack

There once was a fellow named Jack
Who had the world’s largest nut-sack
The way he was built
Made him wear a kilt
And his last name doesn’t begin with a “Mac”.

There once was a woman named Wanda;

There once was a woman named Wanda;
Of enormous cocks she was fonda.
For goodness sake,
She once fucked a snake!
Of course, it was an anaconda.

I typed “nude celebrities” on Google

I typed “nude celebrities” on Google
Expecting a boob and butt gaggle.
But I got sent right
To this limerick site,
So I got no jiggle, just a giggle.

His girlfriend once asked Billy Corgan

His girlfriend once asked Billy Corgan*,
Which was his favorite organ.
He felt the Hammond B-3
Had the best nusicality,
But she meant hers of her sister, Morgan’s

*Leader of the Smashing Pumpkins**

**A great rock band of the Nineties

There once was a woman named Holly

There once was a woman named Holly
Who looked just like Salavadore Dali
Had designed her clothes,
From her hat to her hose,
About which her friends could only say, “Golly!”

There once was a fellow named Brewer

There once was a fellow named Brewer
Who maintains a Beverly Hills sewer.
He’s found folks will pay
For what celebs flush away.
He’s a waste-matter entrepreneur.

There once was a woman named Olga,

There once was a woman named Olga,
Whose talk was exceeding vulga.
“Fuck my ass,” she might say,
“Lick my pussy all day.”
Which is odd since she’s a non-indulga.

There once was a gal named Celesta

There once was a gal named Celesta
Who went to the club with a Winchester.
She went inside armed
Not to prevent being harmed
But to help find someone to molest her.

When faced with a ‘quake or tsunami

When faced with a ‘quake or tsunami
I would just curl up and cry, “Mommy”.
Thank God the Red Cross,
The Anti-Disaster Boss,
Rushes in without getting all qualmy.

Support disaster relief at www.redcross.org

There once was a woman from Boston

There once was a woman from Boston
With a pussy a man could get lost in.
She could handle me,
My step-brother, Lee,
With a Red Sox baseball bat also tossed in.

I’m looking for something eye-opening

I’m looking for something eye-opening
Something to fufill my hopening.
Some kind of food
To get her in the mood
And provide for me a thigh opening.

There once was a woman named Kelly

There once was a woman named Kelly
Who referred to her expanding belly,
Saying, “When on a lark,
Don’t screw in the dark,
Where you can’t tell if he’s rubbered his felly.”

There once was a fellow named Freddy

There once was a fellow named Freddy
Whose cock was always at the ready.
He doesn’t go out
When a storm is about
“Cause a strong wind makes him unsteady.

There once was a woman named Katie

There once was a woman named Katie
Who pondered life choices quite weighty.
‘When I get older
Will my sex life be bolder
So I can fuck when I’m eighty.

By the week after Valentine’s Day

By the week after Valentine’s Day
The flowers have been thrown away
The candy’s been rifled
For truffles and trifles
And she’ll not aoon wear that lingerie.

There once was a gal named Melissa

There once was a gal named Melissa
Who was cursed with a most foul emissia.
Her farts, it is said
Could awaken the dead
Or wipe out an entire militia.

Marie lost her Super Bowl bet

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Today’s highlight is the NFL Super Bowl

Today’s highlight is the NFL Super Bowl
And my Lions are deep in a bottomless hole.
But my next favorite team
Is the one in New Orleans,
So, “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez”*

*”let the good times roll.”

There once was a woman named Julie

There once was a woman named Julie
Who wouldn’t give it up for yours truly.
I begged and I pleaded
But she never cedeed.
Which made me all twitchy and drooly.

As we wave goodbye to dear Conan

As we wave goodbye to dear Conan
Let’s dispense with the weepin’ and moanin’.
His life’s not a wreck
With that fat severance check
Ahd the other network execs who are phonin’.

At the nude beach, our Grandma went “starkers”

At the nude beach, our Grandma went “starkers”
Ignoring all the peepers and gawkers.
Her girlfriends and she
Enjoyed being free
But their tits do get tangled in their walkers.

There onthe a woman named Beth

There onthe a woman named Beth
Whothe love life wath really a meth
‘Cauthe while getting thexed
The moment is wrecked
When Beth yellth out, “Yeth, Yeth, Yeth.”

Have you heard about our good friend, Kyle?

Have you heard about our good friend, Kyle?
Seems he can’t show his face for a while.
He was seen on the floor
Of a grocery store
In the feminine hygiene products aisle.

Jenny asked, “Can I transmit the flu

Jenny asked, “Can I transmit the flu
When I do what I get paid to do?
What I do for a living
Is the enthusiastic giving
Of an occasional blow job for two.”

There once was a girl named Nicole

There once was a girl named Nicole
Who was born without a heart or a soul.
She was evil and mean
Vulgar and obscene,
With a sweet voice like an oriole.

Happy belated birthday!

As the decade stumbled to a close

As the decade stumbled to a close
A historylesson we must compose.
But, to properly frame it,
We first have to name it.
Was it the “Zeros”, the “Oughts” or the “Ohs”.

There once was a woman named Martie

There once was a woman named Martie
Who passed out at the New Year’s Eve Party
What was the chance
Whe’d wake up without pants,
And with a pussy all stretched out and smarty?