After sun-bathing nude at St. Pete’s

After sun-bathing nude at St. Pete’s
Marie looked as red as some beets.
Heading home she just cried
For that 2-day bus ride,
Standing up wearing loose-fitting sheets.

There was a French woman named Claire

There was a French woman named Claire
Who cared not for position du missionaire.
Le modelle de chien
Made her feel tres bien
But plais , tu nais entre le derrierre.

There once was a woman named Molly

There once was a woman named Molly
Who thought celibacy was a folly.
She’ll go missionary
With Tom, Dick or Harry,
Rudolph, Vladimir or Pasquale.

There once was a fellow from Phoenix

There once was a fellow from Phoenix
Who had an extraordinary penix
It was average size
But, what made it a prize
Was that it was shaped like a DNA helix.

There once was a woman named Ann

There once was a woman named Ann
Who wanted an all-over tan
But, sadly she dozed
In a wide open pose,
And blistered her little bald man.

There once was a man from El Paso

There once was a man from El Paso
Who everyone considered an asshole.
This misogynistic nut
Branded his wife’s butt
And chased her around with a lasso.

While exposing himself, some old bloke

While exposing himself, some old bloke
Gave an elderly widow a stroke.
Now, she didn’t die
But she was heard to cry,
“Stroking it won’t help it if it’s broke.”

There once was a fellow named Mario

There once was a fellow named Mario
Who was known to be quite the lothario.
When a girl showed up “late”
He made for the gate
Leaving the poor girl to say, “Where’d he go?”

The doctor told sweet young Louise

The doctor told sweet young Louise
Her cold sores were really herpes.
What made her feel worse
Was when he told the nurse,
“Another case of ‘Dick-in-mouth’ disease.”

There once was a man named Maurice

There once was a man named Maurice
Who covered his manhood with goose grease.
“Cause as everyman knows
When your little guy grows,
Nothing beats a grease-aided release.

There once was a woman named Carolyn

There once was a woman named Carolyn
Who will go out only with a narrow man.
Her box is so small –
Almost no hole at all –
That to screw a big man could be harrowin’.

In the bathroom, a drunk girl named C J

In the bathroom, a drunk girl named C J,
Gave someone she just met a a B J.
He said, “Not so fast,
I want it to last.”
She said, “I;m keeping in time with the D J.”

A girl made the team in South Bend

A girl made the team in South Bend
Recommended by her quarterback boyfriend.
“You better believe her,
She’s a great wide receiver
With some experience at tight end.

There once was a fellow named Grinder

There once was a fellow named Grinder
Whom the ladies all call a sidewinder.
But, they don’t understand
He’s a one-woman- man
And he’ll screw everyone ‘til he finds her.

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day

As we all celebrate Mothers' Day
I have only one thing to say;
Mom, thanks for all you did
When I was a kid
Which has so screwed me up to this day.

Dan’s a pro at the country buffet

Dan’s a pro at the country buffet;
He really can put it away
He grabs some from each
Warming pan he can reach,
Except for the anchoviy soufflé.