Teddy lost his job at the laundry

Teddy lost his job at the laundry
For actions more than a little bit tawdry
Seems he tried to snare
Some soiled underwear
From each and from every young blondie.

Bob was searched on the run to Chicago

Bob was searched on the run to Chicago
From Texas with his secret cargo,
The cops went away mad
When they found that he had
50 Kilos of Mexican cilantro.

A male hooker named (really!) Thor

A male hooker named (really!) Thor
Said his job was becoming a bore.
“I can’t see their faces
When I’m licking the places
They didn’t know were places before.”

Limericks that are set in Red China

Limericks that are set in Red China
Or either North or South Carolina,
Invariably
Will end up, you see,
With the final word being “vagina”.

Geneticist Deborah Delph

Geneticist Deborah Delph
Said. “Soon, we’ll take genes off the shelf.
I could add to mine
Genes from a feline
For a pussy that would lick itself.”

There once was a fellow named Henley

There once was a fellow named Henley
Who folks thought was not very frenley.
His silence was proof
That he was aloof.
Whey did not realize he was zenley.

“Black Velvet” is a wonderful song

“Black Velvet” is a wonderful song
That the karaoke girls always get wrong.
It’s a bartenders’ curse,
And what makes it worse
Is when all the drunk girls sing along.

At his murder trial Benjamin Brophy

At his murder trial Benjamin Brophy
Was acquitted of killing wife Sophie.
Seems when he was a kid
No matter what he did,
He never got a Little League trophy.

At the park, Leslie Ann unfurls

At the park, Leslie Ann unfurls
Her breasts while she’s feeding her girls.
Then come the police,
Who tell her to cease
Since the girls she’s feeding are squirells.

America’s future is scary

America’s future is scary
When our kids can’t find the library.
The one’s around here
Think that Shakespeare
Is “kinda a white Tyler Perry”.

On a bench, in the park, near the grass

On a bench, in the park, near the grass,
Bernie sat watching every girl pass.
He said, “It’s better, you see,
Than watching TV,
Here at eye level for each shapely ass.”

It’s really not bad being blind

It’s really not bad being blind.
Most of it I really don’t mind.
I can still hear a book,
And smell what she cooks,
But I miss staring at her behind.

Spoletti, the veteran umpire

Spoletti, the veteran umpire,
Has been told many times to retire.
He calls balls and strikes
Anywhere that he likes.
And the fans want to set him on fire.

Restaurateur Marcella Myners

Restaurateur Marcella Myners
Hates dealing with her waitstaff minors;
Or those dammed suppliers
Who’re nothing but liars;
And, of course, those motherfucking diners.

Alana is the coupon queen

Alana is the coupon queen
To a point that is almost obscene.
A case of K-Y
For a buck? With (Oh my!)
A free personal pleasure machine?

Dougie, the king of Karaoke

Dougie, the king of Karaoke,
Had to spend a few days in the pokey.
It seems that it’s banned
Across our fair land
To let drunks sing, “Top of Old Smokey”.

Mark warned his apprentice bartender

Mark warned his apprentice bartender,
“When a drunk girl comes up, don’t befriend her.
You won’t get that far.
She’ll puke in your car.
And, at least, cab fare you will have to lend her.

A financially strapped young nurse

A financially strapped young nurse
Made home visits to augment her purse.
“I’ve changed diapers on tots,
But these older sots,”
She said, “are 100 times worse.”

When landscaping specialist, Race.

When landscaping specialist, Race.
Met a waxing technician named Grace,
He said, “We prepare
Both out front and down there,
An attractive and inviting place.”

At her yard sale, young Joanna Mack

At her yard sale, young Joanna Mack,
Found her neighbors were taken aback.
Because in their vicinity,
She sold her virginity
At $200 a crack.

At the cookout, my best friend DeBussy

At the cookout, my best friend DeBussy
Said, “No meat, please. I am a bit fussy.
Because, that I am
A vagitarian;
Which means that I only eat pussy.”

666 is the mark of the beast.

666 is the mark of the beast.
But it was also the cost of a feast
That I ate yesterday
Which put me in a way
That I thought that I needed a priest.

NB: This is limerick #666 that we have written.

There once was a woman named Nan

There once was a woman named Nan
Who had never had sex with a man.
A bull and a horse,
A great dane, of course,
Because of their attention span.