There once was an old man named Rex

There once was an old man named Rex
Who forgot all that he knew of sex.

      He remembered his junction

      Had some special function,

With methodologies far too complex. 

These was an old gal named Lenore

Who asked, “What is this hole down here for?

      I know that’s where I pee,

      But for the life of me

It seems there should be something more.”

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?

Did the Dems pull it out in the clutch?

Or is the GOP out of touch?

         And what were we shown

         On our TV and phone?

Do we all hate each other that much?

There once was a fellow named Harley

There once was a fellow named Harley

Who married a woman named Davidson.

         They had a great life

         As biker-dude and –wife

And named their first child, Fat Boy.

 

There once was a gal named Suzanne

There once was a gal named Suzanne

Who wanted to become a man.

         After her boobs were set free,

         And an Add-a-dick-to-me

She was set with a grand-new floor plan.

There once was a woman named Suzie

There once was a woman named Suzie

Whose voice was so husky and bluesey

         That when she started to talk

         Men forgot how to walk

And stagger about dazed and boozey.

There once was a woman named Pattie

There once was a woman named Pattie

Whose neighbors thought must be quite batty.

         She used a garden shear

         To cut off her hair

Whenever she thought it was too ratty.

There once was a woman named Rose

There once was a woman named Rose

Who buys her panties by the gross. 

      She leaves them behind her

      As a subtle reminder

Of who passed on that STD dose.

There once was a fellow named Neil

There once was a fellow named Neil

Who asked his girl, “How does it feel

      To have my manly pride

      So far deep inside?”

She laughed at him, saying, “Get real!.”

There once was a fellow named Davy

There once was a fellow named Davy

Who spent his whole life in the Navy.

         Like in the Joel song,

         A bar’s where he belongs

‘Cause he walks like the floor is all wavy.

There once was a woman name Monica

There once was a woman name Monica

Who learned how to play the harmonica.

         The tongue is the key

         To her virtuosity.

Just ask her girlfriend, Veronica.

There once was a girl named Nicole

There once was a girl named Nicole

Who was born without spirit or soul.

         So she doesn’t mind

         Getting fucked from behind.

In fact, she likes men in each hole.

 

There once was a woman named Jeri

There once was a woman named Jeri

Who dumped her computer date, Larry.

         She had to reject him

         For fing’ring her rectum.

‘Cause she wants to keep her ass cherry.

There once was a young girl named Pat

There once was a young girl named Pat

Who was teased by her classmates as “flat”.

         ‘Til a boy from wood shop

         Told them all to stop,

Because he told them he liked her like that.

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated

Americans were underrated.

      But bravery of those

      Who chose to oppose

Fear and terror cannot be debated. 

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

OMG! Football is back!

OMG!  Football is back!
Our Sundays are no longer black!

      So, the zebras are new.

      What’s the worst they can do?

Just please protect my quarterback.*

 

*Matthew Stafford – Detroit Lions

There once was a fellow named Mark

There once was a fellow named Mark

Who only made love in the dark.

         He's tattooed, you see,

         From his neck to his knee

With a tribute to that Star Trek guy, Quark.

There once was a woman named Carol

There once was a woman named Carol

Who did not know her husband was sterile.

         So, when she told her mate

That she thought she was “late”,

It put her poor marriage in peril.

There once was a woman named Sandra

There once was a woman named Sandra

A wiccan from Port Allesandra.

She sold herbs and potions,

         Aphrodesial lotions

All derived from genus pachysandra.

There once was a woman named Coffee

There once was a woman named Coffee

Who only ate bacon with toffee.

         One friend mocked her diet

‘Til she made him try it.

He ran away weepy and coughy.

There once was a woman named Vi

Who attracted the wrong kind of guy;

The under-bankrolled,

Recently paroled,

Sweet-talker with a roving eye.

There once was a woman named Vi

There once was a woman named Vi

Who attracted the wrong kind of guy;

The under-bankrolled,

Recently paroled,

Sweet-talker with a roving eye.

A medical student named Britt

A medical student named Britt
After Colon Health class had to quit.

         Seems she misplaced her glasses

         And failed all those classes

‘Cause without them she couldn’t read shit.

There once was a gal named Marie

There once was a gal named Marie

Whose number of husbands was three.

         She said, “Each expects

         To get daily sex;

Just not all at once, mercy me!”

There once was a woman named Nina,

There once was a woman named Nina,

A virtuoso on the concertina,

         Who said, “With it ‘tween my knees,

         I give it a squeeze,

And  harmonize though my vageena.”

There once was a woman named Robyn

There once was a woman named Robyn

Whose fun box was constantly throbbin’.

         She said, “My girlie nubbin

         Could sure use some rubbin’

And a nice long wet tongue for some daubin’.”

There once was a fellow named Plover

There once was a fellow named Plover

A stand-up comic down in Dover

         At the end of his act

         Was always the same crack,

“Make sure you tip your waitress over.”

There once was a woman named Brooke

There once was a woman named Brooke

Who did everything my the book.

            You never could score

            Until date number four,

And she’ll never, ever swallow that gook.

The naked cab driver, Louise

The naked cab driver, Louise,

Said, “This job is sure not a breeze!

          That inter-seat glass

          Keeps their hands off my ass.

But, I’ve no place to carry my keys.”

There once was a fellow named Quaid

There once was a fellow named Quaid    

Who tried every night to get laid.

         He tried margaritas

         To lure his Lolitas

To his alcohol infused brigade.

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary

Who owned her own apothecary.

         She’s got pills to curb hunger,

         Or to make you feel younger.

And a rub to make it like a cherry.

There was a Sister Abigail

There was a Sister Abigail

Who prayed with the young men in jail.

         She felt the proudest

         Of the men who prayed loudest,

So she gave them a peek at her tail.

There once was a fellow named Stu

There once was a fellow named Stu
Who said, “I just stepped in some snoo.”
“What’s snoo?” asked his wife
(The regret of her life)
He replied, “Not much. What’s new with you?”

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton

I hate the old guys at Tim Horton
With their wheezin’ and caughin’ and snortin’
With their comments absurd.
I thin every last word
Shows their cranial circuts are shortin’.

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme

At the Apollo, the Prez made the sceme
By channeling the Rev. Al Green.
The the cats ar Fox News
Started singing the blues
Because there’s no soul in their mein.

Once said by a woman named Amy.

Once said by a woman named Amy.
“My bf thinks my pussy smells gamey.
If I do not douche
And get rid of the sluice,
He’ll have a veterinarian spay me.”

There was a woman named Suzanne

There was a woman named Suzanne
Who, sadly, looked just like a man.
With a beard and a weiner,
A gruff misdemeanor,
And tits just like eggs in a pan.

There once was a girl in Gomorrah

There once was a girl in Gomorrah
Was quite a sexual explorrah.
But when someone tried to Sodom
Her delicate bodom,
She rose up and declaired, “No morrah.”

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;

So today is Friday the Thirteenth;
And all of you know what that meanth.
On a day of such doom
I’ll just stay in my roomWith Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazineth

There’s a gal who works down at McD’s

There’s a gal who works down at McD’s
Who gets down on her hands and knees
Underneath the front counter
Where managers would mout her
In front of the lastst trainees.

There once was a gal named Mariah

There once was a gal named Mariah
Who awoke with her pussy on fiah.
She told her man, Lee,
“You’ve got a S-T-D.
Please tell your brother, Josiah.”

Tribute to the Greene Brothers

There once was a fellow named Kelly
With a unique feature under his belly.
The head of his cock –
Twice as big as the stock –
Made it look somewhat like an umbrellay.

Kelly Greene, born in Chicago; bass guitar, percussion, vocals

Tribute to the Greene Brothers

There once was a fellow named Forrest
Who had quite a rep as a whorist.
No matter who cried it,
He never denied it;
Since it offset his job as a florist.

Forrest Greene, born in Memphis; guitar, vocals

Tribute to the Green Brothers

There once was a fellow named Hunter
Who told his girlfriend, “I must be blunt, dear.
If you like the heatin’
You get from being eaten,
You really should groom up your cunt hair.”

Hunter Greene, born in New Orleans. Guitar, keyboards, harmonica, vocals

There once was a fellow named Brent

There once was a fellow named Brent
Who was 3 months behind in his rent.
To prevent eviction
He offered a dick-tion
To which his landlady did not consebt.

There once was a woman named Rose

There once was a woman named Rose
Who never washed her underclothes.
She wore them one day
And then threw them away;
For what reason, nobody knows.