There once was a woman named Faith

There once was a woman named Faith

Who’s skin was a white as a wraith.

          She never went out

          When the sun was about

And used only bleach in her baith.

There once was a woman named Cher

There once was a woman named Cher

Who never trimmed her public hair.

          So under her frocks

          She was sporting dreadlocks,

Which kept men from going down there.

There once was a fellow named Holloway

There once was a fellow named Holloway

Who thought of women in a shallow way.

          Be she sweetheart or shrew,

          She’s just something to screw

With a personal goal or a gal-a-day.

There once was a woman from Licking

There once was a woman from Licking
Whose boyfriend said she’d get a licking

          If he ever found out

          She was out and about,

And, it wasn’t just him she was licking.

There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray

Who liked to watch girls walk away.

          He liked breasts just fine

          But the view from behind

Reminded him why he wasn’t gay.

I love education TV

I love education TV.

On my new favorite, TLC,

          A woman unfurled

          The largest breasts in the world

At size 102 triple Z.

There once was a fellow named Ben

There once was a fellow named Ben

Who has to pass gas now and then.

          But since he can’t smell,

          He never can tell

The distress he causes his fellow men.

There once was a young girl named Hayden

There once was a young girl named Hayden

Whose Mother kept her in a playpen.

          Since the girl’s seventeen,

          That seems somewhat mean

But Mom wants to keep her a maiden.

Lose-A-Letter Limerick - Alice

 There once was a young girl named Alice

Who was sent home from grade school with lice.

          They cut all her hair

          To find no bugs there,

Because her classmates told a lie.

There once was a woman from Spain

There once was a woman from Spain

Who walked on the plain in the rain.

          No umbrella.  No clothes.

          It’s her chance to expose

Her ass in the public domain.

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated

Americans were underrated.

          But bravery of those

          Who chose to oppose

Fear and terror cannot be debated.

 

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

Lose-A-Letter Limerick - George

 There once was a fellow named George

Who lived in a shack by a gorge

          He lived off the grid

          Like his ancestors did

Which made him a pal of Al Gore.

 

There once was a farm boy named Snyder

There once was a farm boy named Snyder

Who worked for his Aunt pressing cider.

          Until one day, the fool,

          Smashed his personal tool,

Daydreaming about being insider her.

I beg you! Bring back the Road Runner!

I beg you!  Bring back the Road Runner!

There is no cartoon that is funner!

          With old Wile I. Coyote.

          (Was he high on peyote?)

Make it an eternal rerunner!

There once was a fellow named Stryker

There once was a fellow named Stryker

Who slept with the wife of a biker.

          He was caught at the scene

          And never again seen,

‘Cept his balls, which were found by a hiker.

There once was a girl on the bayou

There once was a girl on the bayou

Who liked nothing more than to screw.

          She kept a vibrator

          Shaped just like a ‘gator,

Just in case there was no one to do.

There once was a woman named Steagles

There once was a woman named Steagles

Who every day did 65 kegels*

          And while focused down there

          She styled her pubic hair

In the manner of “A Flock of Seagulls**.

*Exercises designed to tighten the vaginal muscles.  Google it.

**A 80s British rock band.  Google it.

There once was a girl named Michelle

There once was a girl named Michelle

Whose abdomen started to swell.

          “I am not with child,”

          She said as she smiled,

“It’s that I live by Taco Bell.”

There once was a woman named Freddie

There once was a woman named Freddie

Who always made sure she was ready.

          In her purse she had blush,

Birth control and toothbrush;

With an elegant, wrinkle-proof teddy.

There once was a gal named Selena;

There once was a gal named Selena;

A not-very-hot-blooded Latina.

          It was early to bed,

          All alone where she read

“Genetic Traits of Semolina”.

There was a woman named Regina

There was a woman named Regina,

A virtuoso on the concertina

          Her fingering skill

          Came not from a drill,

But from manipulating her vagina.

There once was a fellow named Justin

There once was a fellow named Justin

With spontaneous penile combustion.               

          He received a synthetic

          Cast iron prosthetic

Which he oiled daily to prevent rustin’.

There once was a woman named Geri

There once was a woman named Geri

Whose body was nearly un-hairy.

          Her baldness was complete

          ‘Cept the soles of her feet,

Which made shopping for shoes very scary.

There once was a young boy named Elton

There once was a young boy named Elton

Who was skinny and tall like a skel’ton.

          To hold up his pants

          While at a school dance,

He had suspenders and a belt on.

There was a young girl named Rosanna

There was a young girl named Rosanna

Who wore a bright yellow bandana,

          A yellow T-shirt

          And ankle-length skirt,

‘Cause she thought that she was a banana.

There once was a fellow named Bucky

There once was a fellow named Bucky

Who lived a life extremely lucky.

          Since his sexual organ

          Dispensed Captain Morgan

And aged bourbon from Kentucky.

There once was a fellow named Harris

There once was a fellow named Harris

Who was very hard to embarrass.

          ‘Til he was pantsed at school

          Wearing a thong of tulle

And an ass-tattoo of Alex Karras.

There once was a woman named Joy

There once was a woman named Joy

Who was given a vibrating toy.

          It came with a note

          Where just one line was wrote,

“Just insert this in Joy to enjoy.”

There once was a young boy named Buffett

There once was a young boy named Buffett

Who once told his Mother to “Stuff it!”

         She didn’t get mad,

         Just incredibly sad

As she left him in the woods to rough it. 

There once was a man from Daytona

There once was a man from Daytona
Who was offered an ice cold Corona.
         He said, “Now, see here.”
         I only drink beer.
This is why I left Arizona.”

There once was a fellow named Donovan

There once was a fellow named Donovan

Who wore one black shoe and one cordovan.

         He said, “Go and stare.

         I have a matching pair

Back home in my room in Afghanistan.

There once was a fellow named Marvin

There once was a fellow named Marvin

Who sat in his back yard a-carvin’ 

         A huge pile of sticks

         Into tiny toothpicks

To make worm hors d’oeuvres.  He was starvin’.

There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray,

“The man who just won’t go away.”

         His stories are boring

         Each one on adoring

From afar the virginal Doris Day.

A young baseball player named Doug

A young  baseball player named Doug

Took a performance-inhibiting drug.

         He passed out in right field

         And some snooping revealed

Tequila in his Gatorade jug.

There once was a young girl named Frieda

There once was a young girl named Frieda

Who was her school’s only cheerlieda.’   

         The team was so bad

         And the fans were so mad,

That the poor girl became a cheer-plieda.

There once was a fellow named Mac

There once was a fellow named Mac.

Of comedy he quite a knack.

          He wrote dirty jokes

          About the nicest of folks,

‘Cause the mean ones get mad and attack.

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond

These once was an agent named Bond, James Bond,

Of whom the female spies were all fond, quite fond.

          For country and Queen

          He’d end up between

A brunette, a redhead and blonde, ash blonde.

There was a woman named Regina

There was a woman named Regina

Who worked as a cook in a dina.

          Where she stole unknown numbers

          Of fresh, ripe cucumbers

Nestled snugly inside her vagina.

There once was a fellow named Hector

There once was a fellow named Hector

Who worked as a funeral director.

          If a widow, by chance,

          Should make an advance,

They’d play “Horny Coffin Inspector”.

There once was a fellow named Miller

 There once was a fellow named Miller

Who was known as a major booze swiller.

          But he did change his ways

          And doesn’t drink much these days

Because he’s become quite a spiller.

 

There was a woman named Renee

There was a woman named Renee

Who posed nude near the Champs Elysees.

          She let her hair wave

          From where she didn’t shave,

Which scared all the artists away.

There once was a fellow named Horton

There once was a fellow named Horton

Who for a month was huffin’ and snortin’.

          When he fell on his head,

          The E.R. doc said,

“You’ve got to stop huffin’ and snortin.” 

A coffee shop patron named Hume

A coffee shop patron named Hume

Always sat back by the ladies’ room.

          He wasn’t a peeker,

          Just a minor thrill seeker

Of the scent of personal perfume.

There once was a young girl named Muffin

There once was a young girl named Muffin

Who got up and just kicked the stuffin’

          From her boyfriend Seth

          And the girl he slept with

When she caught him getting a fluffin’.

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather

At the coffee shop, the old guys gather,

To sip on some joe and to blather.

          They watch girls in shorts

          While arguing sports

And work themselves into a lather.

There once was a woman named Rudy

There once was a woman named Rudy

Who was prepared for her wifely duty.

          With plunger in hand,

          She unplugged the can

While preparing a meal plan more fruity.

There once was a woman named Ashleigh

There once was a woman named Ashleigh

Who colored her long blonde hair brashleigh.

          With wide streaks of blue

          And florescent pink too,

Her decision was made much too rashleigh.

There once was a woman named Marion

There once was a woman named Marion

Who worked at the school as a librarian.

          She’s read every text

          Where people got sexed

But had no adventures ovarian.

There once was a young girl named Dream

There once was a young girl named Dream

Who was known as a “Good Girl Extreme”.

          She remained a virgin

          Despite constant urgin’

Until she met Mr. Jim Beam.

There was a woman named Elaine

There was a woman named Elaine

Who liked to walk nude in the rain.

          “It’s like taking a bath

          On a cool garden path,

Without leaving a bathtub ring stain.”

There once was a fellow named Stephen

There once was a fellow named Stephen

Who rummaged through the laundry thiephen

          The soiled underpants

          Of his sisters and aunts,

Which they all had trouble beliephen.

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie

A would-be brothel girl named Cookie

Got let go while she was a rookie.

          She thought it depraved

          To have herself shaved;

And no patrons would screw with a Wookie.

There once was a Chicago man

There once was a Chicago man
Who was widely known as “One Night Stan”.   
         He made love so poorly

          And finished so early,

That women who saw him just ran.

There once was a waitress named Sheila

There once was a waitress named Sheila

Who let all the customers feel a

          Boob or her ass,

          Pointing at the tip glass,

Hoping to land a big “wheela-deela”.

There once was a fellow named Gil

There once was a fellow named Gil

Who lived in a house on a hill,

          Waiting for his neighbors

          To finish their labors

And purchase the proceeds of his still. 

There once was a fellow named Logan

There once was a fellow named Logan;

“12-inch manhood” was his slogan.

          Since his dick was a foot

          Each morning he put

In a size 13 EEE brogan.

There once was a fellow named Grant

There once was a fellow named Grant

Whose penis stuck out at a slant.

          A girl’d lay perdendicular

          To get his dick into her,

Which is something that few women want

There once was a fellow named Dylan

There once was a fellow named Dylan

Who dressed as a comic book villain,

          With a black mask and cape

          Made of satin and crepe,

With a “ray gun” for simulated killin’. 

There was a restaurateur named Paco.

There was a restaurateur named Paco.
The foodies thought his fare was “socko”.

          His patrons would drink

          Until they would think

They were eating an Oxygen Taco.

There once was a fellow named Darfur

There once was a fellow named Darfur

Who wanted to be like King Arthur.

          He constructed a sword

          Of paint and cardboard

But materials for armor was dearther.

There once was a fellow named Peter

There once was a fellow named Peter

Whose dick was as long as a meter.

          He carried steel plates

          To act as counterweights

If, while aroused, he started to teeter.

There once was a fellow from Dayton

There once was a fellow from Dayton

Who constructed an adult playpen.

          Hot tubs and trapezes

          And pads for the kneeses

To cause any penis to straighten.

There once was a woman named Gladys

There once was a woman named Gladys

Who looked forward to Friday night grab ass.

          At 77

          Her version of Heaven

Was the feel of a male’s hard unclad ass.

There once was a woman named Esther

There once was a woman named Esther

Who the neighborhood kids loved to pester.

          The children were so bad,

          That they made her so mad,

That she’d offer the one-finger gesture

There was a man called Bondurant

There was a man called Bondurant

Who wanted his own restaurant.

          But his menu unique

Closed it down in a week.

No one wanted a baloney croissant.

There once was a fellow named Loring

There once was a fellow named Loring

Who bragged of his sexual scoring.

          But the people who knew him

          Would simply pooh-pooh him,

‘Cause they knew he spent his nights snoring.

There once was a fellow named Reust

There once was a fellow named Reust

Who cat on the fence post to roost’

          Just like a big bird

          Which seemed so absurd

Because there was no egg produced.

There was a young girl named Adela

There was a young girl named Adela

Who enjoyed sex with her umbrella.

          With it deep in her snatch,

          She released the catch

Which ruined her for any fella.

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas

Who searched for the ultimate phallus;

          Big enough to matter

          But not one to shatter

Her delicate pelvic love chalice.

The TV show, “leave It To Beaver”

The TV show, “Leave It To Beaver”,

Featured a silly kid, not a beaver.

          In the 60s, you know,

          No television show

Would actually show a real beaver.

There once was a fellow named Lee

There once was a fellow named Lee

Who Said, “I am glad I’m a he.

          I’d hate it for sure,

          If I were a her;

‘Cause I’d have to date people like me.” 

There once was a fellow named Dwayne

There once was a fellow named Dwayne

Who always ate his pancakes plain.

He never used syrup

Because it would stir up

Memories of his boyhood in Maine.

After moving to Windsor, Al said

After moving to Windsor, Al said,

“I have trouble every night in bed.”

          Try as I please

          I can’t catch any Zs

‘Cause in Canada, they call it Zed.”

The “Smuggling Mom” has been cleared

The “Smuggling Mom” has been cleared.

Her criminal record is desmeared.

          At last, that old line,

          “I swear it’s not mine,”

Was held up by a judge, and not jeered.

There once was a woman named Sasha

There once was a woman named Sasha

Who was desperately trying to squash a

          Rumor that she

          Lets men watch her pee

So she can buy a dishwasha.

There once was a fellow named Buddy

There once was a fellow named Buddy,

The original fuddy-duddy.

         Could such a dull man

         With no fun in his plan

Really have a huge penis, now, could he?

There once was a fellow named Helmut

There once was a fellow named Helmut
Who while walking his dog wore a helmet
         With full body padding

         Covered by Kelvar™ cladding,

Because his hound is such a hell mutt.

There once was a fellow named Steven

There once was a fellow named Steven

Who knew that his balls were uneven.

         One hung too low,

         It could bounce on his toe.

And the other?  Too small for perceivin’.

They asked a young woman named Ellie

They asked a young woman named Ellie

How she lost 40 pounds from her belly.

      She only ete semen

      Provided by seamen

From a merchant ship out of New Delhi.

In the colonies, Pamela Tower

In the colonies, Pamela Tower,

Lets patriots watch her in the shower.

         This carnal exposition

         Is a family tradition.

He Great-Gran came across on the Mayflower.