There once was a woman named Carrie

There once was a woman named Carrie

Who was proud that her b ody was hairy.

         She feared being raped

         So no razor ever scraped,

Since who would screw something that scary.

There once was a woman named Laura

There once was a woman named Laura,

A modern sexual explora.

         The men she had laid

         Could form a parade

That stretched from New York to Andorra.

There once was a woman from Crete

There once was a woman from Crete

Who wondered about her burning seat,

         Is it trichinosis*

Or trichomoniasis**           

Since both come from eating tainted meat?

 

* Trichinosis is a parasitic disease caused by eating raw or undercooked pork or wild game infected with the larvae of a species of roundworm Trichinella spiralis, commonly called the trichina worm.

 ** Trichomoniasis is a common cause of vaginitis. It is a sexually transmitted disease, and is caused by the single-celled protozoan parasite Trichomonas vaginalis producing mechanical stress on host cells and then ingesting cell fragments after cell death.

There once was a fellow named Otto

There once was a fellow named Otto

Who, every day, ate a tomato.

         He hated the taste

         But did not want to waste

All the plants that he grew by his grotto.

There once was a fellow named Dick

There once was a fellow named Dick

Who trained to be a private dick.

         The fighting was fun,

         As was shooting his gun,

Which made up for his miniscule dick.

There once was a cyclist named Lance

There once was a cyclist named Lance

Who awoke to discover his pants

      Had burst into flames

      Because of his claims

As the cleanest guy in all of France.

 

There once was a poet named Simon

There once was a poet named Simon

Who didn’t at all care for rhymin’

         He eshews moon and June,

         Balloon and buffoon,

‘Cause as a child he was called “Pieman”.

There once was a woman named Kay

There once was a woman named Kay

Whose motto was “Live for Today.”

         “If I spent my time chillin’,

         I wouldn’t need penicillin,

But I feel it’s a small price to pay.”

While Ernie collects unemployment,

While Ernie collects unemployment,

He plays video games for enjoyment.

      While not looking for jobs

      He shot CGI mobs,

‘Til his Dad signed him up for deployment.

 

There once was a fellow named Raffel

There once was a fellow named Raffel

Who loved fried chicken on his waffle

         Which his wife detested

         So she had him arrested,

Since in their hometown it was unlawful.

These once was a girl named Melissa

These once was a girl named Melissa

Who was known as a wonderful kissa.

         And if you said, “Please,”

         She’s get down on her knees

And plant a wet one on your pissa.

There once was a woman named Madelyn

There once was a woman named Madelyn

Who, as foreplay, preferred paddlin’.

         But, when her buns were red

         She wouldn’t lay on the bed.

She’d mount her man like a cowgirl straddlin’.

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul

Who, without pants, stroller through the mall.

         One girl told her friend

         “I like his rear end,

But it looks like his dick is too small.”

There once was a fellow named Neil

There once was a fellow named Neil

Who felt old age is no big deal.

         “I smoke and I drink,”

         He said with a wink.

“I’m as young as the women I feel.”