There once was a woman named Sue

There once was a woman named Sue

Who liked nothing more than to screw.

She’s do it for free,

(Plus gratuity).

You just have to wait in the queue.

 

If I were King of San Marino

If I were King of San Marino*,

I would outlaw the damned cappacino.

         Only coffee what’s hot

         And dark hits the spot

For me ever since I was a nino.

*noun:   the smallest republic in the world; the oldest independent country in Europe (achieved independence in 301); located in the Apennines and completely surrounded by Italy

noun:   the capital and only city of San Marino.

There once was a fellow named Hubie

There once was a fellow named Hubie

Whose head was shaped a little cubey.

         It was worse for his sister

         Whose boyfriend dismissed her

From the right angles found on each boobie.

 

There once was a hooker named Sunny

There once was a hooker named Sunny

Who would do anything for some money.

         Five bucks for a suck;

         Five more for a fuck;

And unspeakable deeds for a twenny.

 

There once was a man from Niagara

There once was a man from Niagara

Who was having no luck with Viagara.

That is, until the day

He found out he is gay,

And he switched to the pink pill, Guyagara.

There once was a woman named Coffee

There once was a woman named Coffee

Who conly ate bacon with toffee.

         One friend mocked her diet

‘Til she made him try it.

He ran away weepy and coughy.

At a museum in Massachusetts,

At a museum in Massachusetts,

Bernard dusted the nude statuettes.

         He’s no employee.

         He does it for free.

Just to fondle their fine silhouettes. 

There once was a farm boy named Barnes

There once was a farm boy named Barnes

Who hated to work in the barns.

         So he went to school to enlist

         As a nuclear physicist

And spend his time studying barns*. 

*Barn - noun:   (physics) a unit of nuclear cross section; the effective circular area that one particle presents to another as a target for an encounter – Dictionary.com

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul

Who strolled, without pants, through the mall.

         A young gal told her friend,

         “I like his rear end,

But, sadly, his dick is too small.”

There once was a fellow named Robb

There once was a fellow named Robb

Who liked to have sex at his jobb,

         Until, in mid stroke,

         He suffered a stroke;

When his little head made his big head throbb.

There once was a fellow named Oates

There once was a fellow named Oates

Who maintained elaborate notes

         On every woman he’d screwed,

         Listing technique and mood,

Including their orgasmic quotes. 

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary

Who wed a man named Jerry Perry,

         She had children three,

         Simultaneously,

Named Barry and Carrie and Norton.

There once was a fellow from Findlay

There once was a fellow from Findlay

Who never goes out when its windlay.

         If he walks down the street,

         He gets blown off his feet,

'Cause at 98 pounds, he’s too spindlay.

They claim Budweiser dilutes its beer.

They claim Budweiser dilutes its beer.

So that’s why the tastes disappear.

         If you think corn and rice

         Makes your beer extra nice,

Extra water is nothing to fear.