There once was a fellow named Al

There once was a fellow named Al

Who acted like everyone’s pal.

         But at home on most nights

         He performed satanic rites

Cursing all of the Lutheran Chorale.

There once was a fellow named Scott

There once was a fellow named Scott

Who thought he was hot (he was not).

         It really annoyed him

         That girls would avoid him

Like it’s some vast feminine plot.

There once was a fellow from Limrick

There once was a fellow from Limrick

Who hated the verse form called “limerick”.

         He enjoyed the jokes

         Like most normal folks,

But he felt it sounded like ‘rimlick”.

In olde London, the Lady McNear

In olde London, the Lady McNear

Told her footman, “I must make this clear.

         My delicate pearl

         Is reserved for the Earl.

The servants all come in the rear.”

Monte, an NFL kicker

Monte, an NFL kicker

Plied a girl in the bar with some liquor.

         Despite what he thunk,

         Jennie Lynn, even druck,

Will only let quarterbacks dick her.

 

There once was a fellow from Philly

There once was a fellow from Philly

Who thought sex with girls was just silly.

         But thoughts of older women

         Would set his head swimmin’.

Oh, Agnes!  Oh, Mabel!  Oh, Millie!

There once was a sailor named Diedrah

There once was a sailor named Diedrah

Who spent 20 years on the seadrah

         ‘Til she got a discharge

         For hanging ass from a barge.

Since she desperately needed to peedrah.

There once was a woman named Drew

There once was a woman named Drew

Sho rarely could find time to screw.

         But she might fit you in

         While out on a spin

In the back of the train at the zoo.

There once was a woman named Cameron

There once was a woman named Cameron

Who lived for the incessant hammerin’

         That her boyfriend would deliver

         Somewhere down by her liver

For which she was constantly clomorin’.

There once was a fellow named Brady

There once was a fellow named Brady

Who wanted to become a lady.

         So he had boobs installed,

         Got dedicked and beballed,

But only looked good where it’s shady.

There once was a woman named Joy

There once was a woman named Joy

Who adopted a college-aged boy.

         A ROTC cadet

         For a sexual pet

With a ability to redeploy.

There once was a woman named Lucy

There once was a woman named Lucy

Who could only be described as juicy.

         She’d get much more than wet,

         Like a fire hose jet.

It’s something you just have to see.

There once was a fellow named Mark

There once was a fellow named Mark

Who would only undress in the dark.

         He was tattooed, you see,

         From his neck to his knee

With the image of that Star Trek guy, Quark. 

There once was a fellow named Weathers

There once was a fellow named Weathers.

Wherever he went, he wore leathers.

         But, he was not a biker

         Or a wilderness hiker.

The glide of the hide gave him pleasures.

There once was a woman named Carly

There once was a woman named Carly

Who was buried atop of her Harley.

         No, not on her bike,

         Just some guy she liked.

Which bothered her poor husband, Charlie.

There once was a woman named Annie

There once was a woman named Annie,

An incredibly libidinous Granny,

         Who strolled through the park

         Every night after dark,

Exposing her tits and her fanny.

There once was a gal maned Marie

There once was a gal maned Marie

Who’s on her cell phone constantly.

         He even likes to text

         While she’s being sexed,

“OMG! OMG! OMG!”

There once was a woman named Cherry

There once was a woman named Cherry

Whose demeanor and name were contrary.

         In knee socks and lip gloss

         She had come across

More than the Staten Island Ferry.

There once was a fellow named George

There once was a fellow named George

Who lost both his hands in a forge.

         His wife helps him dress

         And clean up his mess,

But she won’t make his semen disgorge. 

When Anne, a big fan of the Cubs

When Anne, a big fan of the Cubs,

Goes to Wrigley Field she rubs

         All the bats in the dugout

         Until she gets drug out

To the bull pen to warm up the scrubs.

 

Hey! Hey! Opening Day!