There once was a fellow named Darfur

There once was a fellow named Darfur

Who wanted to be like King Arthur.

          He constructed a sword

          Of paint and cardboard

But materials for armor was dearther.

There once was a fellow named Peter

There once was a fellow named Peter

Whose dick was as long as a meter.

          He carried steel plates

          To act as counterweights

If, while aroused, he started to teeter.

There once was a fellow from Dayton

There once was a fellow from Dayton

Who constructed an adult playpen.

          Hot tubs and trapezes

          And pads for the kneeses

To cause any penis to straighten.

There once was a woman named Gladys

There once was a woman named Gladys

Who looked forward to Friday night grab ass.

          At 77

          Her version of Heaven

Was the feel of a male’s hard unclad ass.

There once was a woman named Esther

There once was a woman named Esther

Who the neighborhood kids loved to pester.

          The children were so bad,

          That they made her so mad,

That she’d offer the one-finger gesture

There was a man called Bondurant

There was a man called Bondurant

Who wanted his own restaurant.

          But his menu unique

Closed it down in a week.

No one wanted a baloney croissant.

There once was a fellow named Loring

There once was a fellow named Loring

Who bragged of his sexual scoring.

          But the people who knew him

          Would simply pooh-pooh him,

‘Cause they knew he spent his nights snoring.

There once was a fellow named Reust

There once was a fellow named Reust

Who cat on the fence post to roost’

          Just like a big bird

          Which seemed so absurd

Because there was no egg produced.

There was a young girl named Adela

There was a young girl named Adela

Who enjoyed sex with her umbrella.

          With it deep in her snatch,

          She released the catch

Which ruined her for any fella.

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas

Who searched for the ultimate phallus;

          Big enough to matter

          But not one to shatter

Her delicate pelvic love chalice.

The TV show, “leave It To Beaver”

The TV show, “Leave It To Beaver”,

Featured a silly kid, not a beaver.

          In the 60s, you know,

          No television show

Would actually show a real beaver.

There once was a fellow named Lee

There once was a fellow named Lee

Who Said, “I am glad I’m a he.

          I’d hate it for sure,

          If I were a her;

‘Cause I’d have to date people like me.” 

There once was a fellow named Dwayne

There once was a fellow named Dwayne

Who always ate his pancakes plain.

He never used syrup

Because it would stir up

Memories of his boyhood in Maine.

After moving to Windsor, Al said

After moving to Windsor, Al said,

“I have trouble every night in bed.”

          Try as I please

          I can’t catch any Zs

‘Cause in Canada, they call it Zed.”