There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray
Who fell in love with a girl everyday.
            It started with talking.
            By noon, it was stalking.
Before bed, the cops take him away.

There once was a fellow named Jeremy --

There once was a fellow named Jeremy --
A hard-chargin’ cowboy from Laramie.
            He said, “I’ve roamed this land
            With my gland in my hand
Lookin’ for some girl to de-cherry me.”

There once was a woman named Kate

There once was a woman named Kate.
Who swore she would not fornicate.
            That is, if it’s defined
            As inter-vagined.
She feels it’s alright to fellate.

There once was a young man named Steven

There once was a young man named Steven
Who told his girlfriend he was leavin’
            She wants to have some kids
            Which his belief forbids --
The Church of Steven Not Conceivin’.

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain
All that she wants for Christmas is a train.
            So while Santa’s away
            Flying ‘round in his sleigh,
The elves . . . Do I have to explain?

There once was a young nurse named Steph

There once was a young nurse named Steph
Who was charged with controlling the staph.
            All folks she detected
            Got themselves dininfected
From their hands to their personal stuph.

A U. S. born woman named Bonnie

A U. S. born woman named Bonnie
Had dark features like the Romani.
            At the GOP debate
            A lamb gyro she ate
Which got her labeled an Irani.

There once was a gal named Felicia

There once was a gal named Felicia
Who said, “I simply do not apprecia
            Men that I do not know
            Who will call me a ‘ho’
Never knowing that I am delicia.”

There once was a fellow named Mitch

There once was a fellow named Mitch
Who tripped and fell into a ditch.
            He did not hit his head,
            Somewhere lower instead.
Now he speaks with a much higher pitch.

In Denver, a hippie named Simon

In Denver, a hippie named Simon,
Who oddly enough was a pieman,
            Was known for his pot pies
            Which to no one’s surprise,
Were cannabis leaves in a pie tin.

There once was a fellow named Eddie

There once was a fellow named Eddie
Who only ate uncooked spagheddie.
            It helps his erection
            Maintain its perfection
And weeps him always at the reddie.

There once was a woman named Steph

There once was a woman named Steph,
A vulgar, demanding head chef.
            When she lost her whole staff
            She recognized her gaffe
And from then on, she hired he deaf.

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas
Who had quite a thing for the phallus.
            In painting and sculpture
            Nothing gave her such rapture
Like her dildo shaped like Wlliam Wallace*.

*see Braveheart

A young missionary named Anne

A young missionary named Anne
Went to spread the word in Japan.
            She taught that position
            By frequent coition
With man after man after man.

There once was a giant named Newton

There once was a giant named Newton
Who looked like a medieval Teuton.
            No one called him Fig
            ‘Cause he was so darn big
And was not one for peaceful solutions.

There is an accountant named Winters

There is an accountant named Winters
Who managed a department of summers.
            Despite a recent fall
            His step has a spring
Because it will soon be deer season.

There once was a woman named Maeve

There once was a woman named Maeve
Who had never bothered to shave.
            Nobody ever knew
            ‘Cept a spelunker who
Explored her most personal cave.

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*
We should try to remember the way
            The Pilgrims carbo-loaded
            ‘Til they nearly exploded
Before the first trading post Black Friday.

*Thanksgiving

There once was a young duck named Louis

There once was a young duck named Louis
Who with brothers Houis and Douis
     Along withUnka Don
     Never had their pants on
Which everyone thought was quite scrouis.

There once was a woman named Bethany

There once was a woman named Bethany
Who said, “I have jutht made a meth of me.
            The thmoking, the thcrewing. . .
            Jutht what wath I doing?
If thomeone could jutht thhibboleth* for me!”

Shibboleth:  Noun,  a saying of a religious sect for political group.

There once was a young man named Kirk

There once was a young man named Kirk
Prostitution was his life work.
            He brightened the lives
            Of sad suburban wives
Doing things that their husbands would shirk.

There was a carpenter maned Hoover

There was a carpenter named Hoover
Who needed a bedroom maneuver.
            While installing a floor
            He thought, “This she’ll go for.
All I need do is tongue and groove her.”

There once was a woman named Norma

There once was a woman named Norma
Who once was a burlesque performa.
            Following each show,
            She’d dress head to toe.
For modesty?  No, to keep warma.

Innocents have been murdered again

Innocents have been murdered again
With a strike from a viperous den.
            But the City of Lights
            Will live on through these nighrs.
Nous sommes Parisiennes!

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly
Who sells flavored contraceptive jelly.
            Applied between the thighs
            With the taste of French fries,
It’s designed to expand the male belly.

There once was a gal name Isobel

There once was a gal name Isobel
Who always drank coffee with caramel,
            Chocolate and pumpkin spice,
            Skim milk squeezed from rice
In a 64-oz. crucible.

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,
Refuses to dine of the taco.
            Seems its shape and the size
            Belongs ‘tween his wife’s prize
And reminds him too much like Joe Flacco.*

*Baltimore Ravens quarterback who many fins thing is a pussy. 

There once was a young man named Brandon

There once was a young man named Brandon
Who was caught by his Mom with his hand in –
            Not the old cookie jar’
            Something much worse by far –
Miss Cookie’s panties with abandon.

There once was a fellow named Stafford

There once was a fellow named Stafford
Who planned on buying a giraffe herd.
            He would not explain how
            Too near a baby cow,
‘Cause he was concerned what a calf heard.

In a pub, a young lassie named Grace

In a pub, a young lassie named Grace
Sat and drank at a furious pace.
            Just before closing time
            On her stool she did climb
Shouting, “I can lick any man in the place.

There once was a woman named Francis –

There once was a woman named Francis –
That’s Frances F. Francis from Kansas.
            “Fran-Fran” is not a name
            That brings you much fame
Or invites to extravaganzas.

There once was a fellow named Kyle

There once was a fellow named Kyle
Who campaigned against the use of kale.
            With his brothers-in-arms
            He boycotted the farms
‘Cause the stuff made his poop black as kole.

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul;
A most devout hater of fall.
            He truly believes
            That the falling of leaves
Gives his front yard an unearthly pall.

Our pal, Will Congreve said it best,

Our pal, Will Congreve said it best,
“Music can soothe the savage breast.”
            For when the breast is tamed,
            The passion is enflamed,
And she’ll offer access to the rest. 

There once was a fellow named Petty

There once was a fellow named Petty
Who said that it seemed such a pity     
            That folks of all hue
            Who only watched TV news
Can be molded like just so much putty.

There once was a widow named Dusty

There once was a widow named Dusty.
At lovemaking, she was a bit rusty.
     But she said with a wink,
     “Don’t you even think
That I am not incredibly lusty.”

 

There once was a man named Colbert

There once was a man named Colbert;
Pretending to be full of hot ert.
            When he placed his true self
            On the CBS shelf
He showed there was nothing in thert.

The Supermoon has come and went;

The Supermoon has come and went;
Another fear-causing event.
            I did see a moon,
            That did make me swoon.
Just not the one everyone meant.

There once was a fellow named Jonas

There once was a fellow named Jonas
Who was notorious for his slowness.
            For what it is worth,
            The nurses at his birth
All received a time-and-a-half bonus.

Pity the poor female T. Rex

Pity the poor female T. Rex
Who gets no enjoyment from sex.
            The male’s tiny arms
            Don’t extend to her charms
So her clitical spot he neglects.

There once was a woman named Phyllis

There once was a woman named Phyllis
Who refused to sever the umbilius
            From her son or her daughter
            Which, of course, has brought her
A mob of Moms said to be jealous.

There once was a young girl named Belle

There once was a young girl named Belle
Who thought she was going to hell
            ‘Cause she watched the young boys
            Playing with their own toys
Amazed at how big they would swell.

9/11 demonstrated

9/11 demonstrated
Americans were underrated.
            But the bravery of those
            Who chose to oppose
Fear and terror cannot be debated.

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

There was a young woman named June

There was a young woman named June
Who had a voice much like a loon.
            But with her ample chest,
            Behind, and the rest,
She’s still a star.  Thanks, Auto-Tune.

There is this new veggie named kale

There is this new veggie named kale
That’s touted in every email.
            Just chop it and stew it,
           Or dice it and --- Screw it!
It tastes like dog shit that’s gone stale.

There once was a fellow named Addisson

There once was a fellow named Addisson
Whose trustworthiness level was nada, son;
            When he swore to his wife
            On his own worthless life
That his aunt was named Ashley Madison.

There was a young woman named Mandy

There was a young woman named Mandy
Who had a strong fondness for brandy.
            If you would give her some,
            She might give you some.
If not, you still might get a handy.

There was a cat lady named Jude

There was a cat lady named Jude
Who mistakenly brought home a dude.
            Seems she was assuming
            That he did cat grooming
From his ad, “Will Lick Pussy for Food”.

A dashing young fellow named Porter

A dashing young  fellow named Porter
Took his girlfriend camping by the border.
            But his girl – what a drag –
            Brought her own sleeping bag.
So he took the desserts and s’mored her.

There once was a woman named Inger

There once was a woman named Inger
Who fancied herself a pop singer.
            But her “live” voice was canned
            And instead of a hand,
The audiences gave her a finger.

There once was a woman named Dora

There once was a woman named Dora
Who said, “Yes, I am an explora.
            With binoculars trained
            At the house down the lane,
The frat boys’ Sodom and Gomorrah.”

There once was a nudist named Susan

There once was a nudist named Susan
Who laid by the pool just a-snoozin’.
            While she dreamt, in the air,
            She raised her derriere
Which left her companions bemusin’

There once was a fellow named Tony

There once was a fellow named Tony
Who went bankrupt due to alimony.
            It was wife number six
            Who put him in the fix
By not serving their kids just bologna.

There once was a fellow name Gregos

There once was a fellow name Gregos
Who constructed a wife out of Legos.*
            She could not cook or clean,
            Or use words too obscene.
And, of course, she could never get pregos.

*Lego is a registered trademark of Lego, Inc.  Duh!

There once was a young boy named Thomas

There once was a young boy named Thomas
Who made his poor Mother a promice.
            He told her demurely,
            “I won’t act impurely
If you’ll stop buying hand soap with pumice.”

There once was a woman named Beth

There once was a woman named Beth
Who had trouble pronouncing “eth”.
            She embarked on a journey
            To be an attorney
At Thimonthon, Thimpthon and Keth.

There once was a fellow named Earl

There once was a fellow named Earl
Who had only once kissed a girl.
            While he was a-dreaming,
            She ran outside screaming
And moved to the end of the worl’.

There once was a fellow named Pailor

There once was a fellow named Pailor
Who had worked as a telephone poller.          
            This job he did lose
           When he took off his shoes
And scraped warts with a vegetable peeler.

There once was a woman named Judy

There once was a woman named Judy
Who cannot be thought of as prudey.
            She performs daily chores,
            Both in- or outdoors,
(Except for her Crocs*), as a nudie.

*registered trademark of those guys who make Crocs.

A prostitution opponent named Denice

A prostitution opponent named Denice;
Was arrested by the local police.
            She’d chased off a john
            Before his denouement,
And was charged with disturbing the piece.

A holistic healer named Donna

 A holistic healer named Donna
Practiced her trade in Tijuana
            Where she cured every ill
            Without potion or pill,
Just a large Baggie* of marijuana.

*Baggie is a registered trademark of the . . . Big Baggie Incorporated . . . probably.