A young missionary named Anne

A young missionary named Anne
Went to spread the word in Japan.
            She taught that position
            By frequent coition
With man after man after man.

There once was a giant named Newton

There once was a giant named Newton
Who looked like a medieval Teuton.
            No one called him Fig
            ‘Cause he was so darn big
And was not one for peaceful solutions.

There is an accountant named Winters

There is an accountant named Winters
Who managed a department of summers.
            Despite a recent fall
            His step has a spring
Because it will soon be deer season.

There once was a woman named Maeve

There once was a woman named Maeve
Who had never bothered to shave.
            Nobody ever knew
            ‘Cept a spelunker who
Explored her most personal cave.

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*
We should try to remember the way
            The Pilgrims carbo-loaded
            ‘Til they nearly exploded
Before the first trading post Black Friday.

*Thanksgiving

There once was a young duck named Louis

There once was a young duck named Louis
Who with brothers Houis and Douis
     Along withUnka Don
     Never had their pants on
Which everyone thought was quite scrouis.

There once was a woman named Bethany

There once was a woman named Bethany
Who said, “I have jutht made a meth of me.
            The thmoking, the thcrewing. . .
            Jutht what wath I doing?
If thomeone could jutht thhibboleth* for me!”

Shibboleth:  Noun,  a saying of a religious sect for political group.

There once was a young man named Kirk

There once was a young man named Kirk
Prostitution was his life work.
            He brightened the lives
            Of sad suburban wives
Doing things that their husbands would shirk.

There was a carpenter maned Hoover

There was a carpenter named Hoover
Who needed a bedroom maneuver.
            While installing a floor
            He thought, “This she’ll go for.
All I need do is tongue and groove her.”

There once was a woman named Norma

There once was a woman named Norma
Who once was a burlesque performa.
            Following each show,
            She’d dress head to toe.
For modesty?  No, to keep warma.

Innocents have been murdered again

Innocents have been murdered again
With a strike from a viperous den.
            But the City of Lights
            Will live on through these nighrs.
Nous sommes Parisiennes!

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly
Who sells flavored contraceptive jelly.
            Applied between the thighs
            With the taste of French fries,
It’s designed to expand the male belly.

There once was a gal name Isobel

There once was a gal name Isobel
Who always drank coffee with caramel,
            Chocolate and pumpkin spice,
            Skim milk squeezed from rice
In a 64-oz. crucible.

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,
Refuses to dine of the taco.
            Seems its shape and the size
            Belongs ‘tween his wife’s prize
And reminds him too much like Joe Flacco.*

*Baltimore Ravens quarterback who many fins thing is a pussy. 

There once was a young man named Brandon

There once was a young man named Brandon
Who was caught by his Mom with his hand in –
            Not the old cookie jar’
            Something much worse by far –
Miss Cookie’s panties with abandon.

There once was a fellow named Stafford

There once was a fellow named Stafford
Who planned on buying a giraffe herd.
            He would not explain how
            Too near a baby cow,
‘Cause he was concerned what a calf heard.