There once was a fellow named Ray

There once was a fellow named Ray
Who fell in love with a girl everyday.
            It started with talking.
            By noon, it was stalking.
Before bed, the cops take him away.

There once was a fellow named Jeremy --

There once was a fellow named Jeremy --
A hard-chargin’ cowboy from Laramie.
            He said, “I’ve roamed this land
            With my gland in my hand
Lookin’ for some girl to de-cherry me.”

There once was a woman named Kate

There once was a woman named Kate.
Who swore she would not fornicate.
            That is, if it’s defined
            As inter-vagined.
She feels it’s alright to fellate.

There once was a young man named Steven

There once was a young man named Steven
Who told his girlfriend he was leavin’
            She wants to have some kids
            Which his belief forbids --
The Church of Steven Not Conceivin’.

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain

Every year, Mrs. Claus makes it plain
All that she wants for Christmas is a train.
            So while Santa’s away
            Flying ‘round in his sleigh,
The elves . . . Do I have to explain?

There once was a young nurse named Steph

There once was a young nurse named Steph
Who was charged with controlling the staph.
            All folks she detected
            Got themselves dininfected
From their hands to their personal stuph.

A U. S. born woman named Bonnie

A U. S. born woman named Bonnie
Had dark features like the Romani.
            At the GOP debate
            A lamb gyro she ate
Which got her labeled an Irani.

There once was a gal named Felicia

There once was a gal named Felicia
Who said, “I simply do not apprecia
            Men that I do not know
            Who will call me a ‘ho’
Never knowing that I am delicia.”

There once was a fellow named Mitch

There once was a fellow named Mitch
Who tripped and fell into a ditch.
            He did not hit his head,
            Somewhere lower instead.
Now he speaks with a much higher pitch.

In Denver, a hippie named Simon

In Denver, a hippie named Simon,
Who oddly enough was a pieman,
            Was known for his pot pies
            Which to no one’s surprise,
Were cannabis leaves in a pie tin.

There once was a fellow named Eddie

There once was a fellow named Eddie
Who only ate uncooked spagheddie.
            It helps his erection
            Maintain its perfection
And weeps him always at the reddie.

There once was a woman named Steph

There once was a woman named Steph,
A vulgar, demanding head chef.
            When she lost her whole staff
            She recognized her gaffe
And from then on, she hired he deaf.

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas
Who had quite a thing for the phallus.
            In painting and sculpture
            Nothing gave her such rapture
Like her dildo shaped like Wlliam Wallace*.

*see Braveheart