There once was a gal named Diane

There once was a gal named Lou Anne
Who felt that she needed no man.
“I need no support
And most men come up short, 
They can’t do what my vibrator can.”

There once was a Thanksgiving Day

There once was a Thanksgiving Day
When all the bad news went away;
When nobody died
Was lonely or cried;
But instead, felt like children at play.

There was a marathoner named Mike

There was a marathoner named Mike
Who eschewed the car and the bike.
He said, “I don’t care.
If I cannot run there,
There is nothing there I might like.

There once was a fellow named Pride

There once was a fellow named Pride
Who once fell asleep while inside
His wife’s love canal
With no rationale
‘Cept it was such a relaxing ride. 

There once a gal named Lenore

There once was a gal named Lenore
Who stood and demanded the floor.
She said, “I don’t care
If you snicker or stare.”
But, I’m not wearing heels any more.”

There was a musician from Cuba

There was a musician from Cuba
Who sailed to Key West in his tuba.
The Coast Guard saved the day
Until they heard him play.
Then they took the poor guy to Aruba.

There once was a fellow named Sumblr

There once was a fellow named Sumblr
Who posted nude selfies on Tumblr.
To his sad surprise
He was lacking in size.
It made him feel rueful and humblr.

Trump said, “Why are you all so fussy?

Trump said, “Why are you all so fussy?
So I said I would grab a girl’s pussy?
What I meant was her cat.
If you don’t believe that,
You’ll just have to vote for the hussy.”

There once was a woman named Kaitlyn

There once was a woman named Kaitlyn
Whose dad was a prominent statesman.
But since Kait was gay,
It caused Dad to say,
“I’d get many more votes if you’d date men.”

The female quadruplets named Amandus

The female quadruplets named Amandus
Said, “What a cruel last name to hand us!”
But Mother is to blame
For our shared first name
Making us the Amandas Amandus.

There once was a fellow named Clint

There once was a fellow named Clint
Whose male member sported a splint.
His friends laughed and asked why
But poor Clint was too shy
To even give the slightest hint.

There once was a woman named Laurie

There once was a woman named Laurie

Who lived on the 45^th story

            Without drapery to hide

            What went on inside.

Somewhat sexy, but not at all gory. 

At the fire sat a girl named Amber

At the fire sat a girl named Amber

Who studied each remaining ember.

She wanted to capture

Her feelings of rapture

With crayons of orange and umber.

Tribute to nurses - There once was a nurse they called Chuck

There once was a nurse they called Chuck

Who bet his patients half-a-buck

            That they couldn’t stand

            While holding his hand.

He always lost.  Such was his luck.

Tribute to nurses - There once was a nurse they called Amy

There once was a nurse they called Any

Who said, “I don’t let doctors play me.

            Those initials, ‘M. D.’

            Never mean much to me.

Pleasing patients.  That's why they pay me.”

Tribute to nurses - There once was a nurse they called Betty

There once was a nurse they called Betty

Who always stood there at the ready

            To provide a kind touch

            Which meant so very much

To patients whose health was unsteady.

There once was a fellow named Fred

There once was a fellow named Fred

Who never let it go to his head.

            The fortune, the fame,

            The oft-misspelled name,

Or the women lined up at his  . . . 

There once was a woman named Sadie

There once was a woman named Sadie;

An official “crazy cat lady”.

            To pay for the litter

            She offered on Twitter

Pictures of her pussy.  Now shady!

There once was a young nurse named Rhonda

There once was a young nurse named Rhonda

Of whom the male patients were fonda.

            Since she wore her scrubs tight

            She made a welcome sight

Which made the old fellas responda.

There once was a fellow named Ethan

There once was a fellow named Ethan

Who wished he was Elizabethan.

            Round his neck, a starched ruff;

            A codpiece o’er his stuff;

And woven wool hose underneath ‘em.

There once was a young man named Colin

There once was a young man named Colin

Who was told by a hooker, “No stallin.!”

            He said, “I didn’t know

            You’d be so big below,

And I am so afraid I will fall in.”

There once was a woman named Kayla

There once was a woman named Kayla

Who thought that the Clapton song, “Layla”,

            Was written about her

            (But she was in a blur)

When he took her down to Venezuela.

There once was s youngster named Hackett

There once was s youngster named Hackett

Who was boss of the seventh-grade racket.

            He sold wedgie protection;

            Was a Playboy connection,

Stole your lunch to make you buy back it.

There once was a fellow named Max

There once was a fellow named Max

Who liked to slap folks on their backs.

            Everyone was his friend;

            On that we could depend.

Except for the Arabs and Blacks.

There once was a woman named Cherry

There once was a woman named Cherry

Who married a fellow named Berry.

            Their union brought forth fruit,

            Three children, all so cute,

Named Clementine, Peaches and Peary.

There once was a fellow named Wise

There once was a fellow named Wise

Who lived for the eating of pies.

            He loved the black berry,

            Coconut and cherry.

Yes, the ones he found between their thighs

There once was a fellow named Pride

Who had a seizure while inside

            His wife’s love canal.

           It was just petit mal,

But she told him she enjoyed the ride.

There once was a fellow named Hector

There once was a fellow named Hector;

A New York skyscraper erector.

            We think he’s insane

            To work high in that crane

With a hard hat as his only protector

There once was a patient named Ben

There once was a patient named Ben
Who broke his hips chasing a hen.
            His condition got worse
            When a turn for the nurse
Made him fracture his pelvis again.

There was a Jamaican named Kofi

There was a Jamaican named Kofi
Who complained about being too coughy.
            He saw a physician
            Who took the opinion
That he should drink more or less coffee.

There once was a woman named Lee

There once was a woman named Lee
Who lived in a house in a tree.
            She often took a chance
            And sat without pants
To give birders* something new to see.

*bird watchers

There once was a fellow named Peter

There once was a fellow named Peter
Whose seminal fluid was sweeter
            Than strawberries and cream.
            But yet, not a girl’s dream
Since the volume was over a liter.

There once was a fellow named Ivan

There once was a fellow named Ivan
Who spent every moment conivin’.
            And the worst that he did
            Was to put his own kid
In the trunk to sneak into the drive-in.

There once was a fellow named Bradley

There once was a fellow named Bradley
Whose ex-girlfriends remembered sadly.
            She said, “He was so cute
            And had money to boot.
It was just that he made love so badly."

There once was a woman named Fellows

There once was a woman named Fellows
Who fed her man sugared marshmallows.
            So at night in his sleep
            She heard only a Peep™
Instead of those thunderous bellows.

Peep is a registered trademark of Yellow Chickie International

There once was a woman named Fay

There once was a woman named Fay
Who woke every day in dismay.
            She had low self esteem
            At such an extreme,
For breakfast she ate Normal K™

There once was a sailor named Chad

There once was a sailor named Chad;
Cursed with seasickness, poor lad.
            He deserted his ship
            For a unsanctioned trip
To the seacoast-less nation of Chad.

There once was a woman named Chris

There once was a woman named Chris
Who said, “I think that I can do this.”
            And try as she might,
            She saw she was right.
An event that brought her great bliss.

There once was a woman named Agnes

There once was a woman named Agnes
Who pondered the concept of bagness.
            “To live in a sack
            With no front or back,”
She said, “Would cause universal zigzagness.”

A British woman named Regina

A British woman named Regina
Planned to travel to North Carolina
     Or Herzegovina                
     To be called Regina;
Not a name sounding much like “vagina”.

There once was a fellow named Drake

There once was a fellow named Drake
Who went for a walk by the lake,
     Until he , curse the luck,
     Was attacked by a duck
Who, for Pete’s sake, thought Drake was a drake.

At the fair, the chief judge of the fudge

At the fair, the chief judge of the fudge
Gave the widow Simonson a nudge.
            With his pants like a tent,
            She knew what he meant.
Even for first place, she would not budge.

Von Miller just sat and was pensive.

Von Miller just sat and was pensive.
Thinking, “Why must I be so defensive.
            I think it may be
            Because they pay me,
And I have just become quite expensive.”

Congratulations to Von Miller, Super Bowl 50 Most Valuable Player

There was a trumpeter named Roberto

There was a trumpeter named Roberto
Who always ate beans cooked in Certo™.
            With his horn in his ass
            He released his gas
To produce a stirring concerto.

*Certo™ is the stuff cooks to make jellies and jams.

The big blizzard caused D. C. to close

The big blizzard caused D. C. to close
So the wheels of government froze.
            But without concession
            Female pols were in session,
Braving snow while in fashionable clothes.

There once was a young boy named Lucas

There once was a young boy named Lucas
Who said, “The big kids try to juke us.
            But we have desire,
            An unquenchable fire.
To beat us, they’ll just have to nuke us.”

Whit a writ, June went to the fraternity

Whit a writ, June went to the fraternity
In a dress that confirmed her maternity,
            Demanding DNA
            From each guy there that day
To help narrow down the paternity.

There is a GOPer named Sarah

There is a GOPer named Sarah.
When the discourse gets heated, she’s therah.
            Now, she’s on the stump
            In support of the Trump,
Which answers the Democrat’s prayerah.

Another "Lose-A-Letter" limerick

There once was a fellow named Hugh
Who desperately wanted a hug
            From a girl in his class
            A discriminating lass
Who just ran away yelling, “Ug.”

There once was a woman named Seph

There once was a woman named Seph --  
A very demanding head chef.
            She’d scream herself hoarse
            With language so coarse,
He only could hire the deaf.

There once was a fellow named Neal

There once was a fellow named Neal
Who thought oral sex was ideal.
            Just as a receiver
            Since licking of beaver
Simply gave io him no appeal.

There was a woman named Renee

There was a woman named Renee
Who used the treadmill every day.
            Just as soon as she rose
            She laid out the day’s clothes.
On the rails like it was a valet.

There once was a old man named Herman

There once was a old man named Herman.
His friends referred to him as Germ Man
            Since he coughed and he sneezed
            Anywhere that he pleased.
So was covered with miniscule vermin.

A Powerball player named Riddit

A Powerball player named Riddit
Discovered that he indeed “hit it”
            And fell flat on his back
            Dead of a heart attack
Without telling us where he had hid it.

There once was a father named Donne

There once was a father named Donne
Who, once a year, picked up his son
            To take for a ride,
            Full of fatherly pride,
To get his income taxes done.

There once was a young man named Booker

There once was a young man named Booker
Whose mother took him to a hooker.
            She helped him undress her,
            Laid a grand on the dresser,
Then waited in the hall while he took her.

There once was a gangster named Boyle

There once was a gangster named Boyle
Who made the blood of the cops boil.
            He set up as a pimp
            In a high flying blimp,
High above the American soil.

There once was a fellow named Singer

There once was a fellow named Singer
Who lived like a post-modern swinger.
            His neighbors objected
            So Singer erected
A 40-foot tall middle finger.

There once was a fellow named Jason

There once was a fellow named Jason
Who bathed every day in a basin.
            He washed just his face
            And that one other place
Which he soaked ‘til it looked like a raisin.

There once was a waitress named Dawn

There once was a waitress named Dawn
Who worked with almost nothing on.
            She got much better tips
            By showing off her nips,
And $20 got a peek ‘neath her thon’.

As we ponder on 12/31

As we ponder on 12/31
Fretting about the things left undone,
            It should be understood
            That all “New Years” are good
When planning a course on 1/1.