There was an old fellow named Gus

There was an old fellow named Gus
Who never wore pants on the bus.
He said, "I ride home from church
"And pray for a lurch
"That might knock a young girl upon us.

A novice young hooker named Gayle

A novice young hooker named Gayle
Left a promising job in retail.
She gave out two fucks,
But just charged 20 bucks.
She was having a two-for-one sale.

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 3

There'll be a young boy named Rokk Krinn
Who'll be the leader when they begin.
All metals must yield
To his magnetic field,
But plastic he takes on the chin.

LLL

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes - Part 2

Then there'll be Imra Ardeen
A beautiful mind-reading teen.
When you see her walk by
Don't even think you can try.
She'll slap you for thinking obscene.

Tribute to the Legion of Super Heroes

This year DC Comics is celebrating the 50th anniversary of the first appearance of the Legion of Super Heroes. The Legion, whose adventures were set in the 30th century, was a team of super-powered teenagers from across the galaxy who banded together to battle threats to a generally utopian future. While other teams and characters have come and gone, the Legion has persevered through more than a few incarnations. Over the years, membership has probably exceeded 50 characters, but this week, we would like to honor the three founding characters, who have been my close personal friends for almost their entire 50 year life.

There will be a lad named Garth Ranzz
Who shoots lightning bolts out of his hanzz.
It was sad when he died,
But he later was revived,
Not by magic, but by editorial planzz.

The wife of my good friend Rooney

The wife of my good friend Rooney
Ran away to marry a Moonie.
He said, "I don't care
"I've got her underwear."
Which he wears on his head like a loony.

There once was a woman named Linda

There once was a woman named Linda
Who never used Equal or Splenda.
She said that she read
That stuff damages your head,
But sugar only pads your rear enda.

Happy Birthday, Linda

There once was a guy named Mike B.

There once was a guy named Mike B.
Who was tattooed everywhere you could see.
He said, "They're all women
"Wearing just what God give 'em.
"Now, I'll always have girls around me."

Happy Birthday, Mike

There once was a girl from North Umber

There once was a girl from North Umber
Who for sex, preferred a cucumber.
"You don't have to beat it
"When you're done you can eat it,
"And at night it won't disturb your slumber."

A giving young girl named Louise

A giving young girl named Louise
Spent most of her time on her knees.
Short, fat or tall
She'd suck off them all.
All you needed to do was say, "Please".

An elderly lady named Dottie

An elderly lady named Dottie
Spent way too much time on the potty.
When she found she was stuck
She could only say, "Fuck.
"Now I'll die here alone and forgotty."

Here's to the great Michael Phelps

Here's to the great Michael Phelps
Whose achievement caused much cheers and yelps.
It must take some mettle
To win eight gold medals,
And that .01 second sure helps.

Congratulations Michael Phelps and the US Swim Team!

There once was a woman named Brandie

There once was a woman named Brandie
Whose husband was not very handy.
So she kept in a drawer
Vibrators galore
In case she was still feeling randy.

Happy birthday, Brandie!

Margaret Elizabeth Jones

Margaret Elizabeth Jones
Loved music right down to her bones.
Motown made her dance
And think of romance,
But she only would screw to the Stones.

Pizza deliverer Tony

Pizza deliverer Tony
Said, "I don't really make that much money.
"But if a girl cannot pay
"I ask for a lay
"Or a gobble on my pepperoni."