There once was a man from Niagara

There once was a man from Niagara

Who was having no luck with Viagara.

That is, until the day

He found out he is gay,

And he switched to the pink pill, Guyagara.

There once was a woman named Coffee

There once was a woman named Coffee

Who conly ate bacon with toffee.

         One friend mocked her diet

‘Til she made him try it.

He ran away weepy and coughy.

At a museum in Massachusetts,

At a museum in Massachusetts,

Bernard dusted the nude statuettes.

         He’s no employee.

         He does it for free.

Just to fondle their fine silhouettes. 

There once was a farm boy named Barnes

There once was a farm boy named Barnes

Who hated to work in the barns.

         So he went to school to enlist

         As a nuclear physicist

And spend his time studying barns*. 

*Barn - noun:   (physics) a unit of nuclear cross section; the effective circular area that one particle presents to another as a target for an encounter – Dictionary.com

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul

Who strolled, without pants, through the mall.

         A young gal told her friend,

         “I like his rear end,

But, sadly, his dick is too small.”

There once was a fellow named Robb

There once was a fellow named Robb

Who liked to have sex at his jobb,

         Until, in mid stroke,

         He suffered a stroke;

When his little head made his big head throbb.

There once was a fellow named Oates

There once was a fellow named Oates

Who maintained elaborate notes

         On every woman he’d screwed,

         Listing technique and mood,

Including their orgasmic quotes. 

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary

Who wed a man named Jerry Perry,

         She had children three,

         Simultaneously,

Named Barry and Carrie and Norton.

There once was a fellow from Findlay

There once was a fellow from Findlay

Who never goes out when its windlay.

         If he walks down the street,

         He gets blown off his feet,

'Cause at 98 pounds, he’s too spindlay.

They claim Budweiser dilutes its beer.

They claim Budweiser dilutes its beer.

So that’s why the tastes disappear.

         If you think corn and rice

         Makes your beer extra nice,

Extra water is nothing to fear. 

There once was a gal named Victoria

There once was a gal named Victoria

Who lived at the Waldorf-Astoria,

         But not as a guest;

         She helped men who were stressed,

Like a free-lance therapist / whoria.

A tobacconist down in Havana

A tobacconist down in Havana

Made the finest cigara cubana.

         Rolled by his two hands

         ‘Tween the mammary glands

Of Maria, a local putana.

There were sisters named Tina and Faye

There were sisters named Tina and Faye

Who were crazy cat ladies, they say.

         The girls in their free time

         Would each hold a feline

And play with their pussies all day.

There once was a woman named Carrie

There once was a woman named Carrie

Who was proud that her b ody was hairy.

         She feared being raped

         So no razor ever scraped,

Since who would screw something that scary.

There once was a woman named Laura

There once was a woman named Laura,

A modern sexual explora.

         The men she had laid

         Could form a parade

That stretched from New York to Andorra.