There was a carpenter maned Hoover

There was a carpenter named Hoover
Who needed a bedroom maneuver.
            While installing a floor
            He thought, “This she’ll go for.
All I need do is tongue and groove her.”

There once was a woman named Norma

There once was a woman named Norma
Who once was a burlesque performa.
            Following each show,
            She’d dress head to toe.
For modesty?  No, to keep warma.

Innocents have been murdered again

Innocents have been murdered again
With a strike from a viperous den.
            But the City of Lights
            Will live on through these nighrs.
Nous sommes Parisiennes!

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly

There’s an entrepreneur named Kelly
Who sells flavored contraceptive jelly.
            Applied between the thighs
            With the taste of French fries,
It’s designed to expand the male belly.

There once was a gal name Isobel

There once was a gal name Isobel
Who always drank coffee with caramel,
            Chocolate and pumpkin spice,
            Skim milk squeezed from rice
In a 64-oz. crucible.

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,

A Baltimore football fan, Paco,
Refuses to dine of the taco.
            Seems its shape and the size
            Belongs ‘tween his wife’s prize
And reminds him too much like Joe Flacco.*

*Baltimore Ravens quarterback who many fins thing is a pussy. 

There once was a young man named Brandon

There once was a young man named Brandon
Who was caught by his Mom with his hand in –
            Not the old cookie jar’
            Something much worse by far –
Miss Cookie’s panties with abandon.

There once was a fellow named Stafford

There once was a fellow named Stafford
Who planned on buying a giraffe herd.
            He would not explain how
            Too near a baby cow,
‘Cause he was concerned what a calf heard.

In a pub, a young lassie named Grace

In a pub, a young lassie named Grace
Sat and drank at a furious pace.
            Just before closing time
            On her stool she did climb
Shouting, “I can lick any man in the place.

There once was a woman named Francis –

There once was a woman named Francis –
That’s Frances F. Francis from Kansas.
            “Fran-Fran” is not a name
            That brings you much fame
Or invites to extravaganzas.

There once was a fellow named Kyle

There once was a fellow named Kyle
Who campaigned against the use of kale.
            With his brothers-in-arms
            He boycotted the farms
‘Cause the stuff made his poop black as kole.

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul;
A most devout hater of fall.
            He truly believes
            That the falling of leaves
Gives his front yard an unearthly pall.

Our pal, Will Congreve said it best,

Our pal, Will Congreve said it best,
“Music can soothe the savage breast.”
            For when the breast is tamed,
            The passion is enflamed,
And she’ll offer access to the rest. 

There once was a fellow named Petty

There once was a fellow named Petty
Who said that it seemed such a pity     
            That folks of all hue
            Who only watched TV news
Can be molded like just so much putty.

There once was a widow named Dusty

There once was a widow named Dusty.
At lovemaking, she was a bit rusty.
     But she said with a wink,
     “Don’t you even think
That I am not incredibly lusty.”