A U. S. born woman named Bonnie

A U. S. born woman named Bonnie
Had dark features like the Romani.
            At the GOP debate
            A lamb gyro she ate
Which got her labeled an Irani.

There once was a gal named Felicia

There once was a gal named Felicia
Who said, “I simply do not apprecia
            Men that I do not know
            Who will call me a ‘ho’
Never knowing that I am delicia.”

There once was a fellow named Mitch

There once was a fellow named Mitch
Who tripped and fell into a ditch.
            He did not hit his head,
            Somewhere lower instead.
Now he speaks with a much higher pitch.

In Denver, a hippie named Simon

In Denver, a hippie named Simon,
Who oddly enough was a pieman,
            Was known for his pot pies
            Which to no one’s surprise,
Were cannabis leaves in a pie tin.

There once was a fellow named Eddie

There once was a fellow named Eddie
Who only ate uncooked spagheddie.
            It helps his erection
            Maintain its perfection
And weeps him always at the reddie.

There once was a woman named Steph

There once was a woman named Steph,
A vulgar, demanding head chef.
            When she lost her whole staff
            She recognized her gaffe
And from then on, she hired he deaf.

There once was a woman from Dallas

There once was a woman from Dallas
Who had quite a thing for the phallus.
            In painting and sculpture
            Nothing gave her such rapture
Like her dildo shaped like Wlliam Wallace*.

*see Braveheart

A young missionary named Anne

A young missionary named Anne
Went to spread the word in Japan.
            She taught that position
            By frequent coition
With man after man after man.

There once was a giant named Newton

There once was a giant named Newton
Who looked like a medieval Teuton.
            No one called him Fig
            ‘Cause he was so darn big
And was not one for peaceful solutions.

There is an accountant named Winters

There is an accountant named Winters
Who managed a department of summers.
            Despite a recent fall
            His step has a spring
Because it will soon be deer season.

There once was a woman named Maeve

There once was a woman named Maeve
Who had never bothered to shave.
            Nobody ever knew
            ‘Cept a spelunker who
Explored her most personal cave.

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*
We should try to remember the way
            The Pilgrims carbo-loaded
            ‘Til they nearly exploded
Before the first trading post Black Friday.

*Thanksgiving

There once was a young duck named Louis

There once was a young duck named Louis
Who with brothers Houis and Douis
     Along withUnka Don
     Never had their pants on
Which everyone thought was quite scrouis.

There once was a woman named Bethany

There once was a woman named Bethany
Who said, “I have jutht made a meth of me.
            The thmoking, the thcrewing. . .
            Jutht what wath I doing?
If thomeone could jutht thhibboleth* for me!”

Shibboleth:  Noun,  a saying of a religious sect for political group.

There once was a young man named Kirk

There once was a young man named Kirk
Prostitution was his life work.
            He brightened the lives
            Of sad suburban wives
Doing things that their husbands would shirk.