“There must be some way out of here,”

“There must be some way out of here,”
Said the joker to a thief that was near.”
“I’ve reached the conclusion
That there’s too much confusion,
And I can’t get no relief, my dear.

There was an artist named Bernard

There was an artist named Bernard
Whose work was called too avant-garde.
He just painted fleas
Without any knees
That he found in the back of his yard.

Of all the women down at Ohio State

Of all the women down at Ohio State
There are none that I would make a bed mate.
The ones that I know
Don’t take care down below,
And let their panties just disintegrate.

All of the women at Michigan
Have too many itches in their britches, man.
To get their pants off
Makes me want to cough
And just makes me hungry for fish again.

There once was a fellow named John

There once was a fellow named John
Who regretted his time as a john
‘Cause of the painful burnin’
Accompaning his urine
Everytime that he used the john.

There once was a unruly Grandma

There once was a unruly Grandma
Who refused to be thought as a blandma.
She was wild and insane
But would always remain
Around if her grandkids need a handma.

There once was a man from St. Louis

There once was a man from St. Louis
Whose HD TV set when blooie.
His language was blue;
The expletives flew;
(I’ll clean it up) he said, “Phooey.”

There once was a man from Milwaukee

There once was a man from Milwaukee
Who found that most folks around him were gaukee.
Was it his blue hair,
Or his nose out to there,
Or his skin tone – considerably chalkee.

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*
We should try to remember the way
The Pilgrims carbo-loaded
‘Til they nearly exploded
Before the first trading post Black Friday.

*Thanksgiving

There once was a man from Cheyenne

There once was a man from Cheyenne
Who wore on his head a peypenne
Of aluminum foil
In order to foil
The CIA-sponsored psyscenne.

There once was a woman from Madison

There once was a woman from Madison
Who dressed very plain, not as a fadishon.
A white top or shirt
And a navy blue skirt;
‘Cept on Sunday, when she ware a pladishon.

There was a young soldier from Charleston

There was a young soldier from Charleston
While stationed in Paris he parleson
Or two phrases
Which barely phases
“Thise purty young Parisite girlsnon.

A libidinous gal from Olympia

A libidinous gal from Olympia
Was distressed as her man became wimpia
So, to change the love channel
She ditched all her flannel
And wore teddies and camis much skimpia.

There once was a woman from Richmond

There once was a woman from Richmond
Who found her kinck-knacks and kichsond.
She let out a torrent
Of words so abhorrent,
That she filled up the jar labled, “Bichfond”.

There once was a gal from Montpelier

There once was a gal from Montpelier
Who on a first date was “frontfelier”.
The first things she grabs
Are the biceps and abs,
Beause of all men, whe wontstelier.

There was a guy from Salt Lake City

There was a guy from Salt Lake City
Who asked people to alt take pity.
“Heavens above!
I’ve fallen in love
With a woman with defalt fake tity.”

There was a pastry chef diwn in Austin;

There was a pastry chef diwn in Austin;
10 poblanos he absently taustin
His chocolate cake batter,
And to worsen the matter,
10 more ended up in the fraustin.

There was a young fellow from Nashville

There was a young fellow from Nashville
Who worked as a cook in a hashmille.
‘Til his boss showed chagrin
At the state of his skin
Since he’d oddly stopped taking his rashpille.

There once was a gal from Pierre.

There once was a gal from Pierre.
Who was born with fluorescent red hierre.
The cause, said the Doc
Goes back to Woodstock
And something her Mother did thierre.

A dyslexic man from Columbia

A dyslexic man from Columbia
Said, “Yale I’d like a allumbia.
Skill reading but my
But I’ll hurt will try.
Probably otherwise I’ll bumbia.

There once was a man from Providence

There once was a man from Providence
Who found his car covered with shovidence
So he attacked his neighbor
With a Civil War saber
Without gathering any ovidence.

There once was a guy in Harrisburge

There once was a guy in Harrisburge
Whose many friends cried out, “Don’t scarrisVirge!
Don’t think us prudes,
But we don’t care for nudes.
So please restrain your barrisurge.”

There once was a fellow from Salem;

There once was a fellow from Salem;
When he met girls, he tried to nalem.
When they said, “No way!”
He would not go away
Until the cops showed up to jalem.

A chef in Oklahoma City

A chef in Oklahoma City
Made a dish – Okraroma Grity
Italian from the South
Is good for your mouth –
According to an Opradroma Skity.

There once was a man from Columbus

There once was a man from Columbus
Who could not dance tangos or sumbus.
He was ill-adept
At the simplest step.
His box step was more like a rhumbus.

A young geneticist from Bismarck

A young geneticist from Bismarck
Sucessfully cross-bred a grissharck.
Combining fur and fins
Is where it begins/
I hope that our future is not thisdarck.

There once wqas a fellow from Raleigh

There once wqas a fellow from Raleigh
Who went everywhere with a daleigh.
Not like Barbie (that tart),
But a little wheeled cart
Because the guy thinks he’s a traleigh.