There once was a fellow named Lowe

There once was a fellow named Lowe
Who moved unbelievably slow
            He said, “Why should I worry
            Or be in a hurry,
When I rarely have somewhere to go?”

Before starring in a stage production,

Before starring in a stage production,
Rose felt she needed liposuction.
            But the nurse nodded off,
            And did not shut it off
Until a 98% reduction.

 

There once was a fellow named Wayne

There once was a fellow named Wayne
Who traveled in his personal plane;
            A Mile-High Club member
            With his ex-wife Kimber
And her sisters, Judy and Jane.

There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
              “I’m tired of snow
              And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.

And explained to them about his wishes.
              The head elf, named Steve
              Just said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9

Were elves in a wild conga line,
              ‘Cause Steve had replaced
              Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the red suit was so not couturesy,

The elf wardrobe master named Percy,
              Gave him shorts and flip-flops
              Assorted tank tops
And a red Atlanta Falcons jersey.

Pre-move, Santa had not had a notia

That he’d soon be dealing with OSHA.
              And with immigration.
              He beat the citation
With a threat to move to Nova Scotia.

He swapped out his egg nog for Yoo-Hoo.

That chocolate drink made him goo-goo.
              But he didn’t care
              He just sat in his chair
Engrossed in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found

Their diet has made them quite round,
              Instead of mistletoe
              They pigged out on kudzu
And were too fat to get off the ground.

He learned that production might stall

Since, his wife had not sorted at all
              The letters from boys
              And girls about toys.
She spends every day at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,

We won’t have enough for each tree.
              But I’ve dealt with a friend
              Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid a  new Wii.”

After spending the night on eBay,

They recalled – no reindeer, no sleigh!
              But with some elf luck
              A bright red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped in by Chevrolet.

Then finally, Santa ventured forth

In his elf-dusted  flying transporth.
              Then they heard his voice call,
              “Merry Christmas, y’all!
Tomorrow, we’re moving back North.”

All of us at the International Center for Limerick Studies wish you a Peaceful Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. 

www.xmascardforyou.blogspot.com

 

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,
“It was simply awful, I confess.
            I knew it’d be scary
            Because I was so hairy.
But I left weighing 7 pounds less.”

There once was a fellow named Taylor

There once was a fellow named Taylor
Who wished that he could be a sailor.
            It didn’t seem fair
            That the old mal-de-mer
Should make him a nautical failure.

There once was a fellow named Hyrum

There once was a fellow named Hyrum
Who lived in an insane asylum.
            He was stuck there because
            He thought that he was
A member of the sunflower phylum.

There once was a fellow named Spelling

There once was a fellow named Spelling
Who made his first commission selling.
            He said,” When I get paid,
            I going to get laid.
Assuming I find someone willing.”

There once was a rock group called Yes

There once was a rock group called Yes
Who took to the stage to confess,
            “The meaning of our lyrics
            May give mental hysterics
But, even we don’t have a guess.”

There once was a nan from Jamaica

There once was a nan from Jamaica
A ganga-smoking record breaka.
            In the course of one week
            This dread-lockéd freak
Smoked the production of a whole acca.

Once said by a fellow named Will.

Once said by a fellow named Will.
“If I want to bungee, I will.”
            Until one fateful leap
            In a place not so deep
Made his family cash in his will.

There once was a woman named Ida

There once was a woman named Ida
Who loved having a man insida.
            But, just for a while
            ‘Til she said with a smile,
“Sorry pal, but I must override ya.”

There once was a fellow named Dingess;

There once was a fellow named Dingess;
A proponent of cunnilingus.
            He’s an expert, they say,
            Of the technique de francais,
So there’s simply no need for his thingus.

At the club, a woman named Nance

At the club, a woman named Nance
Had a vibrator on in her pants.
            When I asked her why
            She said, “I would die
If my housekeeper found it by chance.”

There once was a fellow named Cray

There once was a fellow named Cray
Who tried to make love every day.
            But since he was not good,
            No sane woman would;
And the crazy ones gave up halfway.

There is a young fellow named Gates

There is a young fellow named Gates
Who claims he never masterbates.
            Except once every morn;
            At noon watching porn;
And before bed, which his wife just hates.

There once was a fellow named Max

There once was a fellow named Max
Who never paid his income tax.
            The dread IRS
            Took away his address.
Now he lives in a network of shacks.

There once was a fellow named William

There once was a fellow named William
Whose Mom said, “You’re one in a milliam.
            You’re so handsome and smart
            In both science and art.
If you were fiber, you’d be psyllium.”

There once was a girl with no name

There once was a girl with no name
Who never knew fortune or fame.
            She was not allowed
            To learn how to be proud.
Her femaleness just brought her shame.

Celebrate Blog Action Day.  Bloggers across the globe are writing and talking about “Inequality” today.  Please join the discussion and do some small thing to advance equality today.

There once was a fellow named Jay

There once was a fellow named Jay
(Who we’re not going to call gay).
            But he always was clean,
            Well-groomed nicely lean.
He’d be quite a catch, either way.

There was an old fellow named Dutch

There was an old fellow named Dutch
Who walked around town with a crutch.
            He did not really need it
            But he refused to cede it
Since his neighbor was such a soft touch. 

There once was a woman named Jeannie

There once was a woman named Jeannie
Who strolled the beach in a bikini.
            She’d stop near a guy,
            Stretch her back or her thigh
To gauge the effect on his weenie.

There once was a fellow named Block

There once was a fellow named Block;
A successful broker of stock.
            When the markets abate
            He comes to work late
‘Cause his Rolex is (sadly) in hock.

There once was a woman named Paula

There once was a woman named Paula
Who wanted to make her butt smalla.
            She said, “I have ran
            And squatted all I can.
But men still say, ‘Back up that trawla.’”

There once was a young man named Dale

There once was a young man named Dale
Who planned a men-only yard sale.
            To get men to come
            He beat on the drum
To say that he’l rented some tail.

I once asked a fellow named Dennis

I once asked a fellow named Dennis
What he’d do with his income from tennis.
            “I’ll see that canal city
            That looks oh so pretty.
Amsterdam!  Not that creepy old Venice.”

There was an old fellow named Kest

There was an old fellow named Kest
Who could make love twice (with a rest).
            He swears on his life,
            And says that his wife
Prefers the one in the spring best.

There once was a fellow named Donnie

There once was a fellow named Donnie
Who lived on the banks of the Suwanee.
            A true country boy,
            His primary joy
Was to drink moonshine ‘til he got yawny.

There once were triplets named Faith, Hope and Charity

There once was a triplet named Faith
Who believed not in angel or wraith.
            “For as long as I live
            I’ll have free love to give.
‘Cause in death, I’ll have no one to layth.”

There once was a triplet named Hope

Who has found dead, hanging from a rope.
            “I’ve enjoyed laying men
            More than just now and then.
With the lonely mornings, I cannot cope.”

There once was a triplet named Charity

Who felt that true love was a rarity.
            So, she layed whom she could.
            “Some were bad.  Some were good.
Which sums up my life with such clarity.”

There once was a woman named Hecht

There once was a woman named Hecht;
 A vegan before it was correcht.
            She claimed, “The protein I need
            I get From a man’s seed,
And works  out the muscles of my necht.”

There was a diner cook named Graham

There was a diner cook named Graham
Who made omelets out of some grey ham.
            The patrons became ill
            With both fever and chill
Which led to vomiting and mayhem.

There was a first-grader named Lawrence

There was a first-grader named Lawrence
Who uttered obscene words in torrents.
            It like the Dalai Lama
            Telling jokes like “Yo Momma”.
You don’t expect such an occurrence.

There once was a fellow named Larry

There once was a fellow named Larry
Whose morning routine would not vary.
            A shower, a shave,
            A kiss and a wave,
To his wife and his neighbor’s wife, Sherrie.

There once was a woman named Anne

There once was a woman named Anne
Who had a twin brother named Dan
            Until recently.
            Now she calls him Dani,
Since he cut that which made him a man.

There once was a gal named Christine

There once was a gal named Christine
Who kept her mouth and teeth pristine.
            So her boyfriend Chris
            Could only get a kiss
If he brushed, flossed and used List’rine.

There one was a woman named Abbey

There one was a woman named Abbey
Who worked as a big city cabbie,
            With one imperfection –
            No sense of direction –
Which makes all her customers crabby.

There once was a young boy named Del

There once was a young boy named Del
Who thought he was going to Hell.
            He knew it was wrong
            To see Mom in a thong
When he felt his dingle-dob swell.

Seven-year-old Ben wrote a thesis

Seven-year-old Ben wrote a thesis
That his sister’s boyfriend was Jesus.
            He heard outside her door
            Her moan, “God, give me more.”
Which he added to his press releases.

There was a Greek scholar named Sharon

There was a Greek scholar named Sharon
Who worshipped the ferryman, Charon.
            Who transported the dead
            To the horrors ahead.
A tale she was quite fond of sharin’.

There once was a young boy named Jackson

There once was a young boy named Jackson
Who drove his poor Mom to distraction.
            She said, “You’ve brought such pain
            To me all over again.        
I wish you had stayed a contraction.”

There once was a god they called Mars

There once was a god they called Mars,
The instigator of all wars.
            He need only hand a
            Man some propaganda,
And fire would rain from the stars.

There was a woman in Montana

There was a woman in Montana
Who wanted to live in Havana.
            She said, “It’s not the cold.
            I don’t want to grow old
Without rum, coconut and banana.”

There was a young woman from Bozeman

There is a young woman from Bozeman
Who can’t wait until her bust grows in.
            She said, “Think of me
            With a proud double D,
Holding my blouse shut with a clothes pin.

There was a centenarian named Mick

There was a centenarian named Mick
Who said all his life he was sick.
            Before he passed away,
            He sat up to say,
“Who knew that death would come so quick?”

There once was a woman named Stevie

There once was a woman named Stevie;
Driven, ambitious, achievie.
            She said of her diet,
            “Everyone should try it.
Just look at how I am abbrevie.

There once was a fellow named Payne

There once was a fellow named Payne
Whose friends thought of him as a pain
            In the neck, in the ass
            But not one of glass.
That would be too hard to explain.

There once was a fellow named Rex

There once was a fellow named Rex,
A delivery man for FedEx.
            No time to say “Hi”,
            Or even “Good-bye”.
Just hurry on up to the nex’.

There was a single gal named Vickie –

There was a single gal named Vickie –
Single, because she was too picky.
            “He must look and smell good.
            He must act as one should,
And not try to do something icky.

There once was a MD named Ahmad

There once was a MD named Ahmad
Who prescribed fresh lobster and scrod
            But not for one’s health
            But increase the wealth
Of his family’s fish importing squad.

There was a clergyman named Seth

There was a clergyman named Seth
Who presided at the First Beth…
            Lethem United
            Where the flock delighted
When ever they heard a “God Bleth.”