A sunburned young nudist named Sara

A sunburned young nudist named Sara
Asked the man who sold the aloe vera,
            “Do you have enough class
            To rub that on my ass?”
“For that ass,” he said, “Not enough thera.”

There once was a girl named Noelle

There once was a girl named Noelle.
When asked for a date said, “Oh, well.
            We’ll look at the moon.
            You’ll finish too soon.
But, let’s do it.  You never can tell.”

There once was a woman named Daytona

There once was a woman named Daytona

Who worked as a orgasm dona.

            After screwing for pay,

            She retired ond day

To become a short-term “pay day” lona. 

 

 

A fashion designer named Fritz

A fashion designer named Fritz
Wraps all of in models in glitz.
            He passionately loves
            When they go without gloves
Exposing their glorious mitts.

There once was a fellow named Digby

There once was a fellow named Digby
Who wanted to marry a pigmy.
            He said, “I’m too short.
            This is a last resort
‘Cause none of the other girls dig me.”

There once was a woman named Sloan

There once was a woman named Sloan
Who bought a second-hand smart phone.
            It made her go insane
            When it filled up her brain
With a stranger’s life though the earphone.

There once was a canner named Cannon

There once was a canner named Cannon
Who spent every September cannin’
            He put up more preserves
            Than an army deserves
According to the “Yes I Can” canon.

There once was a fellow named Plummer

There once was a fellow named Plummer
Who desperately wanted a Hummer.
            Not a big SUV,
            But a BJ U C,
'Cause he had not had one since Summer. 

There once was a fellow named Lowe

There once was a fellow named Lowe
Who moved unbelievably slow
            He said, “Why should I worry
            Or be in a hurry,
When I rarely have somewhere to go?”

Before starring in a stage production,

Before starring in a stage production,
Rose felt she needed liposuction.
            But the nurse nodded off,
            And did not shut it off
Until a 98% reduction.

 

There once was a fellow named Wayne

There once was a fellow named Wayne
Who traveled in his personal plane;
            A Mile-High Club member
            With his ex-wife Kimber
And her sisters, Judy and Jane.

There once was a fellow named Santa

There once was a fellow named Santa
Who wanted to move to Atlanta
              “I’m tired of snow
              And 40 below
I can move on down South if I wanta.”

He met with the elves and the Mrs.

And explained to them about his wishes.
              The head elf, named Steve
              Just said, “When do we leave?”
And his wife smothered him with kisses.

In a warehouse out off of route 9

Were elves in a wild conga line,
              ‘Cause Steve had replaced
              Every tool in the place
With Computer Aided Design.

Since the red suit was so not couturesy,

The elf wardrobe master named Percy,
              Gave him shorts and flip-flops
              Assorted tank tops
And a red Atlanta Falcons jersey.

Pre-move, Santa had not had a notia

That he’d soon be dealing with OSHA.
              And with immigration.
              He beat the citation
With a threat to move to Nova Scotia.

He swapped out his egg nog for Yoo-Hoo.

That chocolate drink made him goo-goo.
              But he didn’t care
              He just sat in his chair
Engrossed in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

At the reindeer corral, Santa found

Their diet has made them quite round,
              Instead of mistletoe
              They pigged out on kudzu
And were too fat to get off the ground.

He learned that production might stall

Since, his wife had not sorted at all
              The letters from boys
              And girls about toys.
She spends every day at the mall.

Steve told Santa, “This year, I foresee,

We won’t have enough for each tree.
              But I’ve dealt with a friend
              Who works at Nintend-
-O, to get every kid a  new Wii.”

After spending the night on eBay,

They recalled – no reindeer, no sleigh!
              But with some elf luck
              A bright red pick-up truck
Could be air-dropped in by Chevrolet.

Then finally, Santa ventured forth

In his elf-dusted  flying transporth.
              Then they heard his voice call,
              “Merry Christmas, y’all!
Tomorrow, we’re moving back North.”

All of us at the International Center for Limerick Studies wish you a Peaceful Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. 

www.xmascardforyou.blogspot.com

 

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,

After a waxing appointment, said Jess,
“It was simply awful, I confess.
            I knew it’d be scary
            Because I was so hairy.
But I left weighing 7 pounds less.”

There once was a fellow named Taylor

There once was a fellow named Taylor
Who wished that he could be a sailor.
            It didn’t seem fair
            That the old mal-de-mer
Should make him a nautical failure.

There once was a fellow named Hyrum

There once was a fellow named Hyrum
Who lived in an insane asylum.
            He was stuck there because
            He thought that he was
A member of the sunflower phylum.