Say farewell to 2011.

Say farewell to 2011.
As a year, I would give it a 7.
No, not out of 10.
100? Maybe then.
Just hope ’12’ll get the U.S. revin’.

There once was a fellow named Jess

There once was a fellow named Jess
With gastro-intestinal distress.
It is said that the gas
He would eventually pass
Deforested the Southvest U. S.

There once was a fellow named Milt

There once was a fellow named Milt
Who wore a extremely short kilt.
It did not embarrass
Him to show his bare ass,
“Cause he’s proud of the way he is built.

A hard-luck hooker in New Orleans

A hard-luck hooker in New Orleans
Learned what the Army term, “SNAFU” means.
She went out to surprise
Some returning GIs,
Not a plane full or female Marines.

There once was a woman named Claire

There once was a woman named Claire
Who modeled plus-size underwear
With her uncommon beauty,
Her prodigious booty
And her spectacular pectoral pair.

Her friends thought Diane was a prude

Her friends thought Diane was a prude
Since she “tsk-tsked” any joke that was crude.
But they were surprised
To learn when she exercised
She did her squat thrusts in the nude.

In Decemger, we cruise through the night

In December, we cruise through the night
To wonder at the Christmas lights.
But the light we see least
Is the star in the East,
And, somehow, that just doesn’t seem right.

When Santa stoped in Storyville

When Santa stoped in Storyville*
He found he had some time to kill.
He bypassed the cookie
To partake of some nookie
From the girl with the best “naughty” skill.

*The red-light district in old New Orleans

We all made it through Black Fridayl

We all made it through Black Fridayl
Got wrist sprains on Cyber Monday.
The decorating and wrapping;
We faced without snapping.
Just wait till the bills come our way.

There once was a race called the Mayan

There once was a race called the Mayan
Who amassed knowledge witout really tryin’.
Their studies of space
Claim the whole human race
On 12/21/12 will be diein’.

Lana was banned from the buffet

Lana was banned from the buffet
For something she did there yesterday.
Someone saw her mountin’
The chocolate fountain
To dip her mip into the sweet spray.

My neighbor keeps me up most nights

My neighbor keeps me up most nights
With 100,000 Christmas lights,
An inflatable sleigh,
A loudspeaker array
And live reindeer suspended in flight.

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary
With a home-grown apothecary.
She’ had herbs to curb hunger
Or make you feel younger;
Or a rub to re-make it a cherry.

There once was a gal from Manhattan

There once was a gal from Manhattan
Who recalled every cock she has sat on.
She would categorize
Each by dyratuib and size;
Starting with her first love, George Patton.

Salute to Futurama -- Part vii

There will be a physicist Amy
With theories deemed too cockamamie.
Always up for romance
In her hot pink sweat pants.
She will be a bit too exclaimey.

Salute to Futurama -- Part Zeta

There will be a doctor named Zoidberg
With medical knowledge in a voidberg.
His complaining and whining;
His manners while dining
Will make his co-workers annoyedberg.

Salute to Futurama -- Part V

There will be a fellow named Conrad
A bureaucrat who has not gone mad.
He practices limbo
With all limbs akimbo,
Without losing his add-upon-pad.

Salute to Futurama -- Part D

There will be a Professor Farnsworth;
One of the oldest on this darned Earth.
He invents inventions
Without any pretentions
On amy of them having consarned worth.

Salute to Futurama -- Part 11

There will be a robot named Bender;
A staunch robot=rights defender.
His name’s his vocation,
But his avocation
Will be stealing assorted spendor.

Salute to Futurama -- Part Two

There will be a woman named Leela
With one giant eyeball to seeya.
Filled with self-deception
(Who needs dept perception!)
She pilots her spaceship by feela.

Salute to Futurama Week - Part 1

There once was a felly named Fry;
A bike-riding delivery guy.
Bur 1,000 years frozen
Caused him to be chosen
As a spacefaring delivery guy.

Sa;ite tp Fitira,a weel!

There once was a felly named Fry;
A bike-riding delivery guy.
Bur 1,000 years frozen
Caused him to be chosen
As a spacefaring delivery guy.

A fine girl is waiting for me,

A fine girl is waiting for me,
A girl that I had ‘cross ny knee.
I smelled a rose
In her underclothes.
And at ten she’ll do it to me.

Sased on "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen.

There once was a woman named Lauren

There once was a woman named Lauren
Whose husband spent every night snorin’
So one day she fled
From the marital bed
To a house in a far distant warren.

“There must be some way out of here,”

“There must be some way out of here,”
Said the joker to a thief that was near.”
“I’ve reached the conclusion
That there’s too much confusion,
And I can’t get no relief, my dear.

There was an artist named Bernard

There was an artist named Bernard
Whose work was called too avant-garde.
He just painted fleas
Without any knees
That he found in the back of his yard.

Of all the women down at Ohio State

Of all the women down at Ohio State
There are none that I would make a bed mate.
The ones that I know
Don’t take care down below,
And let their panties just disintegrate.

All of the women at Michigan
Have too many itches in their britches, man.
To get their pants off
Makes me want to cough
And just makes me hungry for fish again.

There once was a fellow named John

There once was a fellow named John
Who regretted his time as a john
‘Cause of the painful burnin’
Accompaning his urine
Everytime that he used the john.

There once was a unruly Grandma

There once was a unruly Grandma
Who refused to be thought as a blandma.
She was wild and insane
But would always remain
Around if her grandkids need a handma.

There once was a man from St. Louis

There once was a man from St. Louis
Whose HD TV set when blooie.
His language was blue;
The expletives flew;
(I’ll clean it up) he said, “Phooey.”

There once was a man from Milwaukee

There once was a man from Milwaukee
Who found that most folks around him were gaukee.
Was it his blue hair,
Or his nose out to there,
Or his skin tone – considerably chalkee.

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day

As we celebrate Pre-Christmas Day*
We should try to remember the way
The Pilgrims carbo-loaded
‘Til they nearly exploded
Before the first trading post Black Friday.

*Thanksgiving

There once was a man from Cheyenne

There once was a man from Cheyenne
Who wore on his head a peypenne
Of aluminum foil
In order to foil
The CIA-sponsored psyscenne.

There once was a woman from Madison

There once was a woman from Madison
Who dressed very plain, not as a fadishon.
A white top or shirt
And a navy blue skirt;
‘Cept on Sunday, when she ware a pladishon.

There was a young soldier from Charleston

There was a young soldier from Charleston
While stationed in Paris he parleson
Or two phrases
Which barely phases
“Thise purty young Parisite girlsnon.

A libidinous gal from Olympia

A libidinous gal from Olympia
Was distressed as her man became wimpia
So, to change the love channel
She ditched all her flannel
And wore teddies and camis much skimpia.

There once was a woman from Richmond

There once was a woman from Richmond
Who found her kinck-knacks and kichsond.
She let out a torrent
Of words so abhorrent,
That she filled up the jar labled, “Bichfond”.

There once was a gal from Montpelier

There once was a gal from Montpelier
Who on a first date was “frontfelier”.
The first things she grabs
Are the biceps and abs,
Beause of all men, whe wontstelier.

There was a guy from Salt Lake City

There was a guy from Salt Lake City
Who asked people to alt take pity.
“Heavens above!
I’ve fallen in love
With a woman with defalt fake tity.”

There was a pastry chef diwn in Austin;

There was a pastry chef diwn in Austin;
10 poblanos he absently taustin
His chocolate cake batter,
And to worsen the matter,
10 more ended up in the fraustin.

There was a young fellow from Nashville

There was a young fellow from Nashville
Who worked as a cook in a hashmille.
‘Til his boss showed chagrin
At the state of his skin
Since he’d oddly stopped taking his rashpille.

There once was a gal from Pierre.

There once was a gal from Pierre.
Who was born with fluorescent red hierre.
The cause, said the Doc
Goes back to Woodstock
And something her Mother did thierre.

A dyslexic man from Columbia

A dyslexic man from Columbia
Said, “Yale I’d like a allumbia.
Skill reading but my
But I’ll hurt will try.
Probably otherwise I’ll bumbia.

There once was a man from Providence

There once was a man from Providence
Who found his car covered with shovidence
So he attacked his neighbor
With a Civil War saber
Without gathering any ovidence.

There once was a guy in Harrisburge

There once was a guy in Harrisburge
Whose many friends cried out, “Don’t scarrisVirge!
Don’t think us prudes,
But we don’t care for nudes.
So please restrain your barrisurge.”

There once was a fellow from Salem;

There once was a fellow from Salem;
When he met girls, he tried to nalem.
When they said, “No way!”
He would not go away
Until the cops showed up to jalem.

A chef in Oklahoma City

A chef in Oklahoma City
Made a dish – Okraroma Grity
Italian from the South
Is good for your mouth –
According to an Opradroma Skity.

There once was a man from Columbus

There once was a man from Columbus
Who could not dance tangos or sumbus.
He was ill-adept
At the simplest step.
His box step was more like a rhumbus.

A young geneticist from Bismarck

A young geneticist from Bismarck
Sucessfully cross-bred a grissharck.
Combining fur and fins
Is where it begins/
I hope that our future is not thisdarck.

There once wqas a fellow from Raleigh

There once wqas a fellow from Raleigh
Who went everywhere with a daleigh.
Not like Barbie (that tart),
But a little wheeled cart
Because the guy thinks he’s a traleigh.

There once was a fellow from Albany

There once was a fellow from Albany
Who while ambulating saw a smalpany.
He asked, “What’s the sound
Of a coin on the ground?”
I just hate it when he gets alzany.

There was a boy from Santa Fe

There was a boy from Santa Fe
Who wanted a pet manta re.
Although far from the ocean
He maintained the motion
That fervent prayer just might granta we.

There once was a fellow from Trenton

There once was a fellow from Trenton
Who asked his wife just what she spenton
Her hair, shoes and clothes,
Which every man knows
Is something he must relenton.

There was a young woman from Concord

There was a young woman from Concord
Who, when driving, never got snocord.
But, if out on a date
With a potential mate,
It’s a certain bet, she got boncord.

There was a gal in Carson City

There was a gal in Carson City
Who wrote a “I love my parson” dity.
The song was so hot –
Believe it or not –
The reviewers called it ‘arson ity”.

There once was a woman from Linclon

There once was a woman from Linclon
Who always passed out after crinclon.
So we replaced her brassiere
With a larger sized pair
To make her think her boobs were shrincoln.

There once was a fellow from Helena

There once was a fellow from Helena
Who while walking about, tripped and felena
Very deep hole
And gave up his soul
Because there was no faithful dog to telena.

A woman from Jefferson City

A woman from Jefferson City
Named Contessa Zerrercon Dity
Tried her new high-tech mop
With the fabric on top
Which he thought of as “Sweffergon gritty

There was a Dragnet fan down in Jackson

There was a Dragnet fan down in Jackson
Who constantly said, “Just the fackson”,
With a monotown voice
As his speaking choice
Without highs or lows or any crackson.

There once was a guy from St. Paul

There once was a guy from St. Paul
Who attempted to partake in pt. baul.
After only one shot
He took off at a trot
And was found only by his ft. caul.

Blog Action Day 2011 -- Food

When most of us head off to bed
We know that we have been well fed.
But many fare never graced
With even the taste
Of Roswqmany and Olive Oil Bread.

If you weren’t hungry today, do something for someone who was.

We say goodbye to Apple’s Steve Jobs

We say goodbye to Apple’s Steve Jobs
Who brought technology to the mobs.
Like Prometheus
He gave fire to us
Revolutionizing our leisure and jobs.

There once was a gourmet in Boston,

There once was a gourmet in Boston,
A town that’s easy to get loston.
Of a man in the Quad,
She asked were to get scrod?
Who said, “You sure don’t need no defroston.”

There once was a kid from Annapolis,

There once was a kid from Annapolis,
A wise-cracker that always would kolis.
His favorite line
(And a favorite of mine)
Was, “What’re you talkin’ ‘bout, Wolis?”

There was a young woman from Augusta

There was a young woman from Augusta
Who was an insurance adjusta.
She denied every claim –
Whether blind, deaf or lame –
Because she was such a mistrusta.

These was a hooker from Baton Rouge

These was a hooker from Baton Rouge
Who never stopped servicing “Scrouge”.
Why’d she get him laid
When the guy never paid?
‘Cause the part that she sat on was houge.

Curt, a young man from Frankfort

Curt, a young man from Frankfor,t
Was arrested for wearing a blank short
The cop said, “With no pants
There could be a chance
That somebody could eyeball your crank, Cort"

There once was a man from Topeka

There once was a man from Topeka
Whose girlfriend, it seems, was a squeka.
At orgasm, her screams
Became super-sonic beams
That made his house foundation weka.

A New Yorker who moved to Des Moines

A New Yorker who moved to Des Moines
Said he pulled a muscle in his groines.
“To lie is no use,
Yes, it was self-abuse.
It's a painful lesson to loines."

Said a short man from Indianapolis,

Said a short man from Indianapolis,
“Despite my height, I don’t ask for solis
At 3 feet, I am tiny,
But I don’t get all whiney
Because, of my kin, I am tallis.

There once was a fellow from Springfield

There once was a fellow from Springfield
Who wears a suit he calls a “Sting Shield.”
For when a bee is your pet
You can never forget
To keep yourself (even your thing) sield.

There once was a woman from Boise

There once was a woman from Boise
Who at orgasm became very noise.
With her curses and screams,
The girl of your dreams
Was heard all the way in new Joise.

There was a guy in Honolulu

There was a guy in Honolulu
Who looked just like Lieutenant Sulu
Sporting that washboard
And a samurai sword
But, unlike him; not at all frufru.

There once was a man from Atlanta

There once was a man from Atlanta
Who called himself the X-Rated Santa.
He gave out sex toys
To the bad girls and boys
Who use them to do what they wanta.

There was a cop in Tallahassee

There was a cop in Tallahassee
Whose squad car smelled putrid and gassee.
But it was not smart
To blame the foul fart
On Rasta god Haile Selassee.

There once was a young girl from Dover

There once was a young girl from Dover
Who liked to sunbathe in the clover.
Without any clothes
Until goosed by the nose
Of her inquisitive Rottweiler, Rover.

There once was a fellow from Hartford

There once was a fellow from Hartford
Who during the week kept his farts stord.
‘Til he challenged his friends
To expose their rear ends
To shoot pencils ‘cross the room at a dart bord.

There once was a woman in Denver

There once was a woman in Denver
Who worked as a public defenver.
The lost most of her cases
On a singular basis.
She advised her clients to surrenver.

There was a gal from Sacramento

There was a gal from Sacramento
Who observed the season of Lento.
She gave up eating meat
And anything sweet
Gaining Heaven as a consequento.

There once was a farmer from Little Rock

There once was a farmer from Little Rock,
An investor in peanut brittle stock.
But when nut prices fell,
His holdings went to hell,
And he lost everything but his whittle block.

There once was a fellow in Phoenix

There once was a fellow in Phoenix
Whose famous for artwork that depix
The eternal battle
To amass the most chattel.
It’s boring. We’d give it the deep six.

There once was a fellow from Juneau

There once was a fellow from Juneau
Who was covered with hair from head to teau.
Despite his perseverance,
His brutish appearance
Made it hard to find women to . . . you kneau.

There once was a gal from Montgomery

There once was a gal from Montgomery
Whose wardrobe was pastel and summery
Although cute and petite
She drove with lead feet
In a truck that was bestial and Hummery.

Down in the town of Morales

Down in the town of Morales
Lives a hooker who’s known as Mad Alice.
She makes molds of the dicks
Of her numerous tricks,
To construct her own “Phallus Palace”.

9-11 demonstrated

9-11 demonstrated
Americans were underrated.
But bravery of those
Who chose to oppose
Fear and terror cannot be debated.

In memoriam to the passengers and crew of Flight 93.

My sweet middle-aged Aunt Laverne,

My sweet middle-aged Aunt Laverne,
While driving, cannot make a left turn.
She makes her commute
A circuitous route
Which makes her bus passengers burn.

There once was a man from New York

There once was a man from New York
Who for his health, gave up eating pork.
Just chickens and fishes
And other healthy dishes,
‘Til he chocked on the leg of a stork.

There once was a fellow named Wade

There once was a fellow named Wade
Whose daily goal was to get laid.
With his roguish smile,
Blue eyes, and Hollywood style,
His bedroom is like a parade.

A diner quaintly named “My House”

A diner quaintly named “My House”
Is no place to go if you grouse.
So friendly and cheery,
Go in when your bleary
And dance out like you’re Juliet Prowse.

I’m not a one of those wannabe jocks

I’m not a one of those wannabe jocks
Playing fantasy or Madden X-Box.
My ultimate dream
Fantasy football team
Is Pam Anderson tackling Megan Fox.

His first time at the tanning salon

His first time at the tanning salon
He tried it without his clothes on.
He learned it’s a trick,
When you sunburn your dick,
To even think about “getting it on”.

Dee left her home in the Caribbean

Dee left her home in the Caribbean
To take her first turn on a Sybian*.
After a 6-minute ride,
She squealed and she cried,
“Oh my God! Pleeeease do that to me again.”

*Google it.

Teddy lost his job at the laundry

Teddy lost his job at the laundry
For actions more than a little bit tawdry
Seems he tried to snare
Some soiled underwear
From each and from every young blondie.

Bob was searched on the run to Chicago

Bob was searched on the run to Chicago
From Texas with his secret cargo,
The cops went away mad
When they found that he had
50 Kilos of Mexican cilantro.

A male hooker named (really!) Thor

A male hooker named (really!) Thor
Said his job was becoming a bore.
“I can’t see their faces
When I’m licking the places
They didn’t know were places before.”

Limericks that are set in Red China

Limericks that are set in Red China
Or either North or South Carolina,
Invariably
Will end up, you see,
With the final word being “vagina”.

Geneticist Deborah Delph

Geneticist Deborah Delph
Said. “Soon, we’ll take genes off the shelf.
I could add to mine
Genes from a feline
For a pussy that would lick itself.”

There once was a fellow named Henley

There once was a fellow named Henley
Who folks thought was not very frenley.
His silence was proof
That he was aloof.
Whey did not realize he was zenley.

“Black Velvet” is a wonderful song

“Black Velvet” is a wonderful song
That the karaoke girls always get wrong.
It’s a bartenders’ curse,
And what makes it worse
Is when all the drunk girls sing along.

At his murder trial Benjamin Brophy

At his murder trial Benjamin Brophy
Was acquitted of killing wife Sophie.
Seems when he was a kid
No matter what he did,
He never got a Little League trophy.

At the park, Leslie Ann unfurls

At the park, Leslie Ann unfurls
Her breasts while she’s feeding her girls.
Then come the police,
Who tell her to cease
Since the girls she’s feeding are squirells.

America’s future is scary

America’s future is scary
When our kids can’t find the library.
The one’s around here
Think that Shakespeare
Is “kinda a white Tyler Perry”.

On a bench, in the park, near the grass

On a bench, in the park, near the grass,
Bernie sat watching every girl pass.
He said, “It’s better, you see,
Than watching TV,
Here at eye level for each shapely ass.”

It’s really not bad being blind

It’s really not bad being blind.
Most of it I really don’t mind.
I can still hear a book,
And smell what she cooks,
But I miss staring at her behind.

Spoletti, the veteran umpire

Spoletti, the veteran umpire,
Has been told many times to retire.
He calls balls and strikes
Anywhere that he likes.
And the fans want to set him on fire.

Restaurateur Marcella Myners

Restaurateur Marcella Myners
Hates dealing with her waitstaff minors;
Or those dammed suppliers
Who’re nothing but liars;
And, of course, those motherfucking diners.

Alana is the coupon queen

Alana is the coupon queen
To a point that is almost obscene.
A case of K-Y
For a buck? With (Oh my!)
A free personal pleasure machine?

Dougie, the king of Karaoke

Dougie, the king of Karaoke,
Had to spend a few days in the pokey.
It seems that it’s banned
Across our fair land
To let drunks sing, “Top of Old Smokey”.

Mark warned his apprentice bartender

Mark warned his apprentice bartender,
“When a drunk girl comes up, don’t befriend her.
You won’t get that far.
She’ll puke in your car.
And, at least, cab fare you will have to lend her.

A financially strapped young nurse

A financially strapped young nurse
Made home visits to augment her purse.
“I’ve changed diapers on tots,
But these older sots,”
She said, “are 100 times worse.”

When landscaping specialist, Race.

When landscaping specialist, Race.
Met a waxing technician named Grace,
He said, “We prepare
Both out front and down there,
An attractive and inviting place.”

At her yard sale, young Joanna Mack

At her yard sale, young Joanna Mack,
Found her neighbors were taken aback.
Because in their vicinity,
She sold her virginity
At $200 a crack.

At the cookout, my best friend DeBussy

At the cookout, my best friend DeBussy
Said, “No meat, please. I am a bit fussy.
Because, that I am
A vagitarian;
Which means that I only eat pussy.”

666 is the mark of the beast.

666 is the mark of the beast.
But it was also the cost of a feast
That I ate yesterday
Which put me in a way
That I thought that I needed a priest.

NB: This is limerick #666 that we have written.

There once was a woman named Nan

There once was a woman named Nan
Who had never had sex with a man.
A bull and a horse,
A great dane, of course,
Because of their attention span.

Anne’s birth of a girl was unwise

Anne’s birth of a girl was unwise
When a male was what Henry so prized.
Before losing her head
It’s believed that she said,
“Our ruler is hardly ‘king-sized’.”

There once was a girl from Defiance

There once was a girl from Defiance
Who augmented her self-reliance.
She started a new career,
Cut out whiskey and beer,
And romances only a kitchen appliance.

Happy Birthday, Liz!

The new disk-jockey, Marilyn Hicks

The new disk-jockey, Marilyn Hicks,
Is too slowly learning the tricks
Of the radio biz
‘Cause the truth of it is
She thought she’d be jockeying dicks.

Bernard McGuire, the bus driver

Bernard McGuire, the bus driver
Was known as an early-arriver.
But, not on his route,
Rather, that is more about
His skill as an orgasm-depriver.

There once was a woman from Montana

There once was a woman from Montana
Who preferred to have sex with a banana.
She’d learned to get off
With something that soft
Being wed to a gay man from Ghana.

Representative Anthony Weiner

Representative Anthony Weiner
Has admitted to “sexting” his weiner.
His account wasn’t hacked –
It’s good judgment he lacked.
Which pretty much makes him a weiner.

Some of these just write themselves.

A prostitute working in Scranton

A prostitute working in Scranton
Almost always had to fake her pantin’,
Except with Big Paul
Who was both long and tall,
Who made her start moanin’ and chantin’.

In the nude, on the roof, in Wolf Trap

In the nude, on the roof, in Wolf Trap Is where Pam takes her afternoon nap.
She says she feels free,
Knowing no one can see;
Forgetting about Google Maps.

The guitar virtuoso Jack

The guitar virtuoso Jack
Possesses an extraordinary knack.
He uses his . . . uh. . . thing
To pluck at each string,
Forming a callous that other men lack.

The waitresses down at the Ideal

The waitresses down at the Ideal
Are so gorgeous it makes your mind reel.
Each and every one
Will smile and say “Hon”,
While presenting each wondrous meal.

Today is the last show for Oprah

Today is the last show for Oprah.
How will her millions of fans coprah?
Well, there is O W N,
But, don’t worry my friend,
I hear that she’s running for Poprah.

Melinda, a Colonial lass

Melinda, a Colonial lass
Was a barmaid in olde Boston, Mass.
Slinging whiskey and beer
And swinging her rear
o show that he possessed lots of . . . class.

Annette, an administrative assistant

Annette, an administrative assistant
Told her boss, “I must be insistent.
No more ‘working’ late.
The orgasms are great,
But, I’m afraid they’re not at all consistent.”

Bye to Randy Savage, the “Macho Man”

Bye to Randy Savage, the “Macho Man”;
The ultimate wrestling showman.
His clothes made me wonder,
But his voice was like thunder,
And his body was built just like Conan.*

Rest in Peace, Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

*The barbarian, not the comedian.

There once was a woman named Mary

There once was a woman named Mary
Who thought Friday, the 13th was too scary.
So she crawled back in bed
With pillows over ther head
Where she died of acute aphyxiliary.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.
Killed by a shot to the head.
Are we closer to peace,
Or closure, at least?
I'm shooting for hope over dread.

God bless America!

There once was a fellow named Sizemore

There once was a fellow named Sizemore
Whose small cock was a bit of an eyesore.
If he had more size,
He might get more sighs,
And get to pry open those thighs more.

There was a fellow named Tim Brick

There was a fellow named Tim Brick
Who sported a unusually slim prick.
The girls that he dated
All went home frustrated.
But, al least, it made a good limerick.

When her parents named their daughter, “Latrina”

When her parents named their daughter, “Latrina”
They couldn’t have been any meaner.
Then sisters, “Toiletta”
And poor “Headrietta”.
These people should get a subpoena.

There once was a fellow named Stats

There once was a fellow named Stats
Who cataloged his coworkers tats
By theme and design
From profane to divine,
Which he weaved into interesting chats.

There once was a fellow named Liam

There once was a fellow named Liam
Who managed a football museum;
Not a cool one, the fool,
It was for Liverpool,
Of which he would lecture, ad nauseam.

There once was a planet called Earth

There once was a planet called Earth
Who’s ecological wonders were dearth.
But if every blog reader
Does something to heed her,
She can regain her beauty and worth.
 
Celebrate Earth Day -- Do something to save the Earth

There once was a man named Joaquin

There once was a man named Joaquin
Who produced vignettes wholly obscene.
But far from amusing
They were quite confusing,
Meant to be read in the latrine.

The pastor at my local church

The pastor at my local church
Left his congregation in a lurch
When he found the Lord
In a bird in his yard
Which he keeps altar-side on a perch.

There once was a fellow named Lee

There once was a fellow named Lee
Whose dick hung down below his knee.
I heard him confide
That to get it “inside”
A girl must be as tall as a tree.

Montgomery moved to Belize

Montgomery moved to Belize
To spend all his time in the trees.
He left a life mild
To be naked and wild,
And let his balls swing ‘tween his knees.

Librarian Marian Farrien

Librarian Marian Farrien
Is a libertarian vegetarian.
Celery and carrots
And zucchini merits
A buryin’ in her spot ovarian.

As a baby, she was named “Dejuanna”,

As a baby, she was named “Dejuanna”,
A rememberance of her dear “Nana”.
But who would have guessed
It would become a request
For liquor, sex or marihuana.

The once was a young boy named Kelly

The once was a young boy named Kelly
Who wanted to read news on the telly.
He was ugly as sin
And his voice was too thin.
He plays blues for spare change in the elly.

Kelly Greene, bass guitar, The Greene Brothers

There once was a young boy named Hunter

There once was a young boy named Hunter
Who yearned to be a NFL punter.
But his leg was not strong
And his aim was all wrong.
He became a troubadour, an enchunter.

Hunter Greene, guitar, keyboards, harmonica, The Greene Brothers

There once was a young boy named Forrest

There once was a young boy named Forrest
Who wanted to become a florist.
But his strong allergies
To both pollen and bees
Changed his goal to rock and roll guitorist.

Forrest Greene, guitar, The Greene Brothers

There once was a fellow named Harry

There once was a fellow named Harry
With a burden he hardly could carry.
A high-school sports star
Reduced to selling cars,
And so self-centered it almost was scary.

There once was a fellow named Frank

There once was a fellow named Frank
Who closely resembled a tank.
His ass was immense;
For pants he wore tents
Which still barely covered his flank.

That tiger blood fueled Charlie Sheen

That tiger blood fueled Charlie Sheen,

Is a winning entertainment machine

      Whose roadshow of rage

      Got booed off the stage.

Before the big redemption scene.

I know that I have been a sinner.

I know that I have been a sinner.

I know that I could stand to be thinner.

        I know I’m a louse,

        But Publishers’ Clearing House

Says that I may already be a winner.

A woman named Valerie Butts

A woman named Valerie Butts
Said that her name just drove her nuts.
The teasing to thwart
Brought her into court,
Where she changed it to Natalie Butts.

There once was a woman named Taylor

There once was a woman named Taylor
Who drove abound town in a trailer
Painted red, white a blue,
Where nightly she would screw
Any soldier, any marine, any sailor.

There once was a fellow named Paul

There once was a fellow named Paul
Who wrote upon the restroom wall.
About girls who put out
Although without a doubt.
He had no direct proof of it all.

My father once told me, “Beware,

My father once told me, “Beware,
Don’t marry a girl with red hair.
Her libidinous desire
Is like a wild fire,
That to quench, you won’t have a prayer.”

There once was a woman named Stacy

There once was a woman named Stacy
Who posed for photos somewhat racy;
Chained to a stripper pole
With a man in each hole
In a camisole, girlish and lacy.

There once was a woman named Marletta

There once was a woman named Marletta
One night, and you’ll never forget her.
She looks prim and proper
But if you pull out the stopper,
She’ll rock you all night, if you let her.

There was a hairstylist named Pearl

There was a hairstylist named Pearl
Who wove her pubes in one large curl.
But it ruined romance
When she slipped off her pants
It looked like she was hiding a squirrel.

On St. Patrick’s Day, poor Mary Kaylie

On St. Patrick’s Day, poor Mary Kaylie
Drank 14 or so too many Bailey’s
On the 18th she rose
Without any clothes
And in her pussy was a sheilleigh.

There once was a fellow named Roger

There once was a fellow named Roger
Who thought he was a Brooklyn Dodger.
He showed up every day
Dressed and ready to play
Where the field used to be, poor old codger.

There once was a fellow named Ty

There once was a fellow named Ty
Who said, “I know some day I will die,
But I hope it’s in bed
While I’m getting head,
A super way to say, ‘Good-bye.’”

While making his Act of Contrition

While making his Act of Contrition
Young Timmy made a vital omission.
He didn’t confess
(Self-conscious, I guess)
His numerous nocturnal emissions.

There once was a gal named Aretha

There once was a gal named Aretha
Who thought that oral sex was beneath her.
You better believe it
She loved to receive it.
But she won’t let a cock ‘tween her teeth, huh?

Let’s hear it for the Green Bay Packers,

Let’s hear it for the Green Bay Packers,
Like burly blacksmiths, like annealers,
Led by Big Aaron
They did it again,
Confirming they’re football’s big wheelers.

Super Bowl XLV
Green Bay Packers – 31
Pittsburg Steelers – 25

There once was a woman named Jackie

There once was a woman named Jackie
Who thought wearing clothes was tres tacky.
She showed off her tits
And the place were she sits
Which her neighbors thought was just whacky

There once was a harpy named Mary

There once was a harpy named Mary
Whose voice was exceeding scary.
Even a low whisper
Would cause paint to blister
And curdle 5 square miles of dairy.

There once was a woman named Monica

There once was a woman named Monica
Who shunned all actions she felt demonica.
No singing, no dancing,
No pre-vow romancing,
And especially, no harmonica.

This fellow I know, Alexander

This fellow I know, Alexander,
Of his wife said, “I don’t understand her.
She don’t like to get hit
Or called a piece of shit
When I just want to repremander her.”

Miss Manners gave out a big “Yes!”

Miss Manners gave out a big “Yes!”
For the State of the Union address.
‘Cause they saved all the brawling
And nasty name-calling,
Til the next day in the national press.